I shouldn't blog tonight. Because I'm tired tonight. Tired of the world. It happens sometimes. I look up and look around at these people, and I think, I don't belong here. This isn't my life.
But it is, of course. I made each decision that brought me to this point. I can blame lots of other people if I want to. All those people who let me down, who betrayed me, who used me for their ends ... but I let them. And at night they're not here. It's just me. Me with all these small failures, all the large ones, me with this life that I never planned.
I shouldn't be blogging this. These are the thoughts that I set aside in the day, the ones that I drown out with all my busyness. I don't look at them often because there's no point, nothing to be gained in doing so. I was raised that we didn't share these thoughts. We soldier on; that's what we do, God help us, we sing and we stay busy and we go through from day to day to day to day until we finally sleep. And we hold on to our beliefs and our hopes and we hide them even from ourselves because it's so hard to look at the lives we wanted. And dreamed of.
It's a long world we're living in. I don't expect less. I'm not going to drop my burdens. I'm going to soldier on and I'm going to bury these thoughts and I will work because that's what we do. We go on. For whatever reason we go on until our eyes close for the last time.
On Holly Lisle's blog, she classified this blog under the heading of Seeker. Maybe so. Maybe so. But I think we need a map, some chart showing us the way to Eden, a few signposts along to the way to home. To where we can rest and then rise up as if sorrow had never touched us.
Until that far-off day, until the heavens split, until we finally fly ... until that time, we'll hold hands and cling together and look both ways crossing the street. Because we're in this together for better or worse, and no one gets out of this life untouched.
That's what I'm thinking tonight as I sit in this darkened room and type in the pale light of my monitor. That and that it's nice and even comforting to think of you out there reading this, a lifeline of electronic bytes stretching across the night, a silvery web in the waning moon.
11 comments:
I'm reading, and yes, it's the middle of the night.
Sometimes we do have to set our burdens down and rest. Even Jesus took His disciples aside now and then, out of the crush of the rest of the world, because He knew how important it is to set things down and rest. Sure, there's the Sabbath every week, but sometimes it takes more.
We need renewal and recreation and refreshment. So when the burden gets heavy, don't be afraid to set it down and attend to your needs. Even if the need is for retrospection and mental rest. It's those moments that give us clarity about the right path.
Sleep well. I'll be watching the night skies tonight.
Hmm. I don't think I could have said it better myself. Funny, how some feel exactly the same, only cannot find the words to describe.
All the best Tech...
I've been there, Tech, more than once. And we soldier on. That's what we do. But remember that night doesn't last forever. Dawn comes slowly but surely.
I think it helps when we hear someone else feels the same way we do or has felt that way before. Tech, I've felt the way you do many times before. The answer is in the words you wrote - "We soldier on." Tomorrow will be a better day. And if not tomorrow, then the day after. Nothing lasts forever, not even sorrow.
I feel like you are writing about my life, and how I feel about it. I complain a lot more though (as you know).
Randall
The first part of this blog was strongly written.
Randall
Hang in there, dude.
Go to the Stratford Peach Festival Saturday!
*insert music notes*
"I really like your peaches...wanna shake your tree."
You write so well about anguish. We can all identify and that validates our own sometimes difficult lives. Keep telling it like it is TECH.
You may be a seeker still, but I'm constantly surprised at the wisdom you already have. Or maybe that's the secret of being wise - to keep seeking.
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