Definites

Well, it's time for another timed writing. Just to force me to post. Not sure why I'm so reluctant to get on the computer and write today. It's been a good day, even productive. Maybe that's why. I've noticed a certain amount of angst prompts me to write. Even when I'm writing humor. I don't why. Couldn't even hazard a guess. Just one of those traits I seem to have picked up over the years.

Today I got most of the March family newsletter done. Yes, I'm running nearly two months behind. No good excuse for it because I've certainly had the time. I just didn't do it. Once again, can't say why. I'm beginning to think my mind is a mystery even to me. Maybe mostly to me.

I am overusing "maybe." Need some definites in my life. Some certainty. That's what we're all looking for. To know the future or part of the future and to be able to plan accordingly. To have the perfection of hindsight in our plans. To be certain our decisions will reward instead of punishing us.

But I think I'm done with regrets for a while. Done with shame and guilt. Done with self recriminations. Done with defeat. Done with doubting.

Not that I have achieved perfection or even come anywhere close. Just done with those things I can't change, done with regretting my decisions, done with being ashamed of my failures, done with feeling guilt over what I can't fix, done with beating myself up for mistakes and missteps, done with believing I only deserve defeat, done with doubting that I was meant for more.

Nice words. But I mean them as much as I can. I believe tomorrow, tonight, right now, I'm making the right moves, the right changes, the right decisions.

Sometimes we -- I -- just have to believe. Sometimes those big dreams have to seem possible. Sometimes we just have to hope even though we know where that leads.

The odds against us are also the odds for us. It's 50/50, place your bets, jokers wild. Some gambles we just have to take, even if we're only playing against ourselves.

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