Planets

      Will wonders never cease?! Haven't you heard? The Unseen World is no longer unseen. I just saw an ad about it on TV. All you have to do is call a 900 telephone number, and for only $3.95 a minute, you can talk live to a psychic who will tell you about your past, your present and your future. And your personal psychic will tell you all that very, very slowly.
      Not that I'm saying that the psychic phone service only exists to separate you from your money. I'm not saying that. I may be thinking that, but you don't know because you can't read minds. Perhaps you can ask your psychic.
      You've probably guessed that I've always been a skeptic about psychic phenomenon, probably because none has ever happened to me. Of course, I'm told that the fact that I'm a skeptic will keep such things from happening. Which is okay. From the movies I've seen and books I've read, psychic phenomenon seems to involve a lot of screaming and bloody body parts. I'll skip that, thank you.
      I used to read my horoscope, but I don't even do that any more. I found it depressing. Everyone else's horoscope would read: "You will inherit money, win the peace prize and meet the man or woman of your dreams, all before lunch. The really wonderful things will happen later in the day." My horoscope would read: "You will polish your shoes today and do a poor job of it."
      I once mentioned this to a friend of mine who had taken Astrology in college.
      "Of course you're a skeptic," she said. "You're a Leo. They don't believe in anything."
      "Do you honestly believe the stars control our lives?" I asked.
      "I think Madonna's influence is overrated, but Cher seems to have some pull in the fashion world --"
      "That's not what I meant," I said. "I was taking about the stars overhead."
      "Oh, well, it's not surprising that you don't believe in horoscopes," she said. "All of them are wrong -- except, of course, for the Reality Horoscope. Here, I just happen to have a copy with me because I knew you'd be blogging about this."
      I took the piece of paper and started to read.

      Your Reality Horoscope
      Aquarius: You have an imaginative mind and are skilled mechanically. You are also well known to be childish and slow. Your mother hates you.
      Pisces: You are gentle and kind. Animals love you. Unfortunately, your belching and scratching drive all humans away from you. Why don't you take a bath occasionally.
      Aries: You are artistic and productive. You are also incapable of handling money and will end up alone and penniless in some nameless rest home.
      Taurus: You are exciting and virile. People think you are a drug-user. Most Taurus braid their armpit hair.
      Gemini: You will meet someone tall, dark and handsome. He will arrest you for indecent exposure and public drunkenness.
      Cancer: You are a rock of strength. Your head is also that hard. People laugh at you a lot because you're ugly.
      Leo: You have all the qualities of a leader. Other people think you're pushy and inconsiderate. They're right. And your breath could kill a walrus.
      Virgo: You are enthusiastic and active. This makes you sweat and smell like a locker-room. And do something about that acne.
      Libra: You are shrewd and thrifty. Children hate you because you are cheap. You will be hit by a bus on Tuesday. Twice.
      Scorpio: You are generous and understanding. That's why so many people think you are stupid and an easy mark. People cheat you right and left because you can't add or subtract.
      Sagittarius: You are sweet and kind. You also fondle frozen vegetables at the supermarket. You give everyone the creeps.
      Capricorn: You are tough and strong. You are also rude and coarse. You will find your place in the world at a meat-packing plant, twisting the heads off chickens, a truly fowl occupation.

      I gave the chart back to her and didn't mention that I didn't believe it, either. Skepticism dies hard. But despite what I've written, I really do try to not ridicule psychics because I remember a story my friend Bill told me.
      Bill, a fellow skeptic, called up the live psychic line.
      "Welcome to The Future Revealed," a voice answered. "And what is your name?"
      "You're a psychic," Bill said. "Don't you know?"
      "Sometimes the spirits are willing and sometimes they are not," the psychic said. "Tell me why have you called today?"
      "Shouldn't you already know that?" Bill asked. And on and on the conversation went with Bill giving the psychic many truly funny answers. But the psychic had the last laugh.
      With all the horseplay, Bill was on the phone for hours. Hours at $3.95 a minute.
      "How much was your phone bill?" I asked, aghast.
      Bill looked at me solemnly and said. "Some things man is not meant to know."
      And you know, maybe he's right.
      And maybe not.