Dear Mr. Etiquette

Dear Mr. Etiquette,
      While I was driving down the street the other day, I saw my ex-girlfriend in front of a store. Immediately I rolled down the window and yelled, "Slut! Slut!" Now my friends are saying that I was rude. What do you think?
Confused

Dear Confused,
      I'm afraid I have to agree with your friends on this. The proper form of address should be "Miss Slut," "Ms. Slut," or "Mrs. Slut." It's these niceties of conversation that mark a civilized man.
Mr. Etiquette

Dear Mr. Etiquette,
      I'm 34-26-38, 22 years old, blonde and the recent winner of the Miss Busty Contest, but I'm not very bright. I'm afraid my boyfriend is cheating on me. What should I do?
Worried

Dear sweet Worried,
      Yes, he's cheating on you. Leave him immediately and call me so that I can comfort you in your time of despair. I'll be waiting.
Mr. Etiquette, but you can call me Et

Dear Mr. E,
      When it is polite to run your toes through the mashed potatoes? I keep getting strange looks at the local restaurant.
Dining Out

Dear D.O.,
      Was it too much trouble to write out my whole name? You are just another example of the lazy youth of America who, just because their daddy owns the newspaper, get made editor over more deserving employees who have toiled for YEARS at a thankless job answering mail from lackwits.
      But to answer your question, wedding receptions and formal state dinners. It's well known that Nixon's success with China was due to his amazing ability to pat butter into his potatoes with his little toe while sprinkling chives with his big toe.
Mr. Etiquette

Dear Mr. Etiquette,
      Lately my wife has been saying that aliens capture me at night for terrible experiments and that I shouldn't be surprised by any strange visions after she gives me my nightly cup of strange tasting coffee. I once woke up and could swear I saw our neighbor "Bob" wandering the hall in his skivies. And I keep hearing party music and my wife laughing. What do you think the aliens are doing to me?
X-Filed

Dear X-Filed,
      I wouldn't worry about the aliens if I were you. You've got bigger problems. In short order, stop drinking coffee, introduce Bob to the business end of a two-by-four, and get thee to a divorce lawyer. Mention my column, and you'll get a discount. They claim I send them a lot of business, but we know that's not true.
Mr. Etiquette

Dear Mr. Etiquette,
      Yo! I thinks my girl be seeing some sleazy newspaper columnist. I cherish the trollop, I do, 'cause she's wonned many beauty contest like Miss Busty. And now I and my boys think we're going to have to cut him, cut him bad. Should I use a shiv or a machete?
Maniac

Dear Mr. Maniac,
      Truly violence never solves anything. I'm sure if you take a few days to think about it, the whole problem will sort itself out. Unfortunately I am leaving for an extended vacation across the border and thus will miss out on hearing the good news.
Mr. Etiquette