My printer died. For most people, this isn’t a big deal. They just go to Wal-Mart and buy another one. Perhaps they even skip and whistle as they do. Heartless jerks.
But not me. I’m mourning for it. It was such a good printer. Reliable. Inexpensive. Productive. The perfect characteristics for a printer. And now that I think about it, for a girlfriend, too.
I’ve always developed attachments to inanimate things. Computers, cars, rockets, swords, knives, open bank vaults ... sigh. I get used to things as they are. I don’t like new things. What was is often better than what’s coming.
I know, I know. Who would think the greatest fan of the super science stories of Tom Swift Jr. and Rick Brant, Boy Scientist would become a Luddite? (Luddites are people who are opposed to technology. According to Wikipedia, “The Luddites were a social movement of 19th-century English textile artisans who protested – often by destroying mechanized looms – against the changes produced by the Industrial Revolution, which they felt were leaving them without work and changing their way of life. The movement was named after General Ned Ludd or King Ludd, a mythical figure who, like Robin Hood, was reputed to live in Sherwood Forest.” So now you know a piece of information that you will never need again.) I’m not completely committed to being a Luddite, but when I have to replace a beloved printer with one that will not be as good, I get cranky.
I went online to find reviews of various printers. Typically the reviewers give printers one to five stars, one the worst, five the best. Lots of things get five stars, but not printers. Printers get two and a half stars, three star, or three and a half stars. No clear choices. One reviewer loves a printer that another reviewer hates. One magazine gives Printer X a five star review while another magazine gives the same printer no stars at all. What’s an indecisive person to do? What? WHAT? Tell me!
Sigh. But you don’t know, either. You’re just like me, wandering in the forest of technology, banging your face against the trees of information. Eventually after research and hours of searching, we buy a product with no more skill than a blind man playing darts.
Lots of times I simply choose not to choose and make do with what I have or do without. For instance, I need a new cell phone. My cell is so old that it’s made out of Bakelite. It’s powered by steam. It’s still on a party line. It has the battery life and consistency of a firefly. But I haven’t replaced it because when I go to the phone store, I’m overwhelmed by the thousands of choices. Phones of all shapes and colors that surf the Net, play games, do your taxes, order your meals, control your music library, schedule your day, etc. The only thing that’s barely mentioned is making phone calls. Apparently that’s not considered all that important for cell phones anymore.
When I tell the salesperson that all I want is a phone that makes calls, he or she acts like I’m insulting their mother. And immediately they text her to tell her about me. Oh, yeah, I hate texting, too.
Anyway, I went to Staples and bought a new printer. I can’t say it’s better — I won’t because I'm loyal to the memory of the old printer — but it does work. Maybe that’s all this unapologetic modern Luddite can ask for.
Copyright 2011 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. No copying without prior express written permission from the author and publisher. Excerpted from Return of the Floozy. Thanks for reading.
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