Endurance is easier if you know what you're enduring is going to end. I think that's why my back trouble this time has been so discouraging to me. I'm not sure when it's going to end. No one is. We throw pain pills, physical therapy, hot and cold packs, traction, back braces and deep tissue massage at the problem, but all only provide temporary relief. Basically I spend a lot of time just enduring, trying to not watch the clock, waiting for the next temporary relief.
I can't think of a worse time of the year for this. I have shopping to do and cards to send and newsletters to mail, but nothing is getting done. Each night I go to sleep, praying that I will sleep through the whole night and not be awakened by pain at three or four in the morning, that the next day I will wake up and be better. It's a depressing routine.
Some people spend their lives in constant pain. I don't know how they survive year after year. Maybe they get used to it. Maybe they go a little crazy. I do know that I understand how and why people become addicted to pain medication. I get to take more pain pills in two hours. I’m looking forward to that.
It's a new level of pain for me. Even when all those years ago I broke my arm so badly -- actually I broke it two places and knocked a whole chunk of it free so I broke it well, but you know what I mean -- I was able to read a good book or get involved in a movie and the pain would recede. This pain is a constant loud clamor. Makes it hard to concentrate on anything else. It demands my attention.
And I won't have this. I mean, I don't intend to have it this way. I might be forced to accept it eventually, but I'm not going to meekly decide that's it and give up. If I have any gifts at all that I can claim to own, one has to be that I'm stubborn. It's both a blessing and a curse, but it remains my predominant trait. Somewhere there are tools to fight this. Some trick or therapy or gadget or herb or something. I'm going to find it. I will not be defined by this. I will conquer it or adapt to it or use it in some way, but it won't keep me from having a life.
Brave words. I hope I have the gumption to back them up. Time, the unrelenting beast, will tell.
8 comments:
maybe the books yu are tyring are just not good enough to keep your attention. keep tyring. have you tryed books on tapes?the Back is not as involved but you can still escape.
Roen
Roen, I don't think the quality of the books or movies is the problem. :)
Tech, have you tried a TENS unit? It's an electronic nerve stimulator that blocks the pain message.
Yes, Trixie, I have. My roomie borrowed one from where he works. Unfortunately it didn't help much. I did have fun playing with it, though. :)
You Go Tech! You will feel better, you will be better. I have Faith.
Tech, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was listening to my husband. He's been saying something similar to you since the end of July, and he's really fed up with it -- especially since his doctor can't find a cause.
Hugs.
Thank you for the support, Michelle. It means a lot.
Jean, maybe your husband and I need to start a support group! :)
Tech, there are different kinds of TENS units. Dr. ER uses one and knows all about them, good and bad.
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