HSCC 2011.2: Hoho's, Languages & Andy

For our second day of the Harbor Street Christmas Celebration 2011, I thought we'd have some Christmas groaners, how to say Merry Christmas in more languages than you will ever need, and the marvelous Andy Williams. Enjoy!

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20 Christmas Groaners
What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
Sandy claws.

Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
Rude-alph!

What is green, white, and red all over?
A sun burnt elf! 

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it! 

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

They both drop their needles!

What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?

A sad candy cane!

What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
Merry Christmas to ewe!

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad!

How do chihuahuas say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!

What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
Your teeth!

Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness!”

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter Y!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get Tinsel-itis!

“Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?”
“No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.”

What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A turkey!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!

What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
O Tanning Palms!

Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
Hollywood!

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping! 

****
Merry Christmas in Many Languages!
Afrikaner: Een Plesierige Kerfees
Argentinian: Felces Pasquas y felices Ano Nuevo
Arkansas: All y'alls have a mary Christmas ya hear
Armenian: Schernorhavor Dzenount
Bohemain: Vesele Vanoce
Bulgarian: Chestita Koleda
Chinese: Kung Hsi Hsin Niene bing Chu Shen Tan
Computer: 01001101 01000101 01010010 01010010 01011001 01000011 01001000 01010010 01001001 01010011 01010100 01001101 01000001 01010011
Croatian: Sretan Bozic
Danish: Glaedelig Jul
England: Cherrio! Hav'a cuppa, goven'r! Happy yules
Esperanto: Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian: Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
Finnish: Houska Joulua
Flemish: Vrolike Kerstmis
French: Joyeux Noel
German: Froehliche Weihnachten
Gore: Christmas lights contribute to global warming so turn them off
Greek: Kala Christougena
Dutch: Vrolyk Kerfeest en Gelukkig Nieuw Jaar
Hungarian: Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Iraqian: Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish: Nodlaig mhaith chugnat
Italian: Buon Natale
Japanese: Meri Kurisumasu
Jugoslavian: Cestitamo Bozic
Klingon: (Nothing because they’re not real. They’re fictional. The Federation doesn’t exist. Get a life.)
Lettish: Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian: Linksmu Kaledu
New York: Shut up and get out of my way, you freak
Norwegian: God Jul og Godt Nytt Aar
Oklahoman: Merry Christmas, y'all
Polish: Boze Narodzenie
Portuguese: Boas Festas y Feliz Ano Novo
Ridiculously inoffensive: Happy non-specific occasion
Rumanian: Sarbatori vesele
Russian: S Rozhdestvom Kristovym
Serbian: Hristos se rodi
Slovakian: Vesele vianoce
Spanish: Feliz Navidad
Swedish: God Jul
Texan: Merry Thankgivin'
Turkish: Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian: Chrystos Rozdzajetsia Slawyte Jeho
Welsh: Nadolig Llawen

****
The marvelous Andy Willaims!



****
And that's it for today! Talk to you tomorrow!

Oakleaf Harbor Christmas Cards now on sale!
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Buy Murder by the Acre at Amazon.com
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Buy Murder by the Acre at BooksAMillion.com
Buy Murder by the Acre in soft cover at Lulu.com
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Buy Floozy, MBTA & MBDD items and more at Oakleaf Harbor

HSCC 2011.1: Lovely music & 12 Day Story

Absolutely beautiful and a lovely way to start the Harbor Street Christmas Celebration 2011. Enjoy!



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What follows is a piece that made the email rounds a few years ago. I wish I had written it.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 14, 2009

Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2009

Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2009

Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised -- what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2009

Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2009

Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2009

Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2009

Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of sick joke is this!? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2009

O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes

December 22, 2009

Hey loser,
What are you? Some kind of sadist?! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2009

You rotten scum,
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sending the police after you!
One who means it!

December 24, 2009

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied -- you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 26, 2009

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a summons for you to appear in court and answer these charges.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

****

And now a bit of music. Sing!

We Wish You a Merry♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪We Wish You a Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...And A Happy New Year!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...

Did you sing? I didn't hear you. Let's do it again louder!

We Wish You a Merry♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪We Wish You a Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...And A Happy New Year!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...

There! That was much better! Hope your December is going well.

****

See you tomorrow!

Oakleaf Harbor Christmas Cards now on sale!
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In need of a life

Yes, National Novel Writing Month is nearly over, and I've already crossed 50,000 words. My steaming and steamy book will be placed in (digital) drawer and allowed to cool off before I look at it and discover how truly wretched it is. Then rewriting, rewriting, rewriting will start. Or not.

I'm not sure I will finish Twice Around the Crazy Tree. I delved into things that disturbed me, and I didn't really come out of it with any conclusions other than bad people do bad things and good people have scars. And maybe the truth doesn't really set people free.

So ... what now?

Writing
Picking up Murder by the Mile. Time to finish it. I've meandered around enough. It requires fixing, and I didn't want to fix it. Well, need to fix it now. Put it back on my front project list. Also attempting to create five more cards for my card shop on Cafepress. I have one designed and will upload tomorrow. Three others are in the rough. Looking for an idea for the fifth.

Health
Continuing to walk and take my vitamins and drink my green tea. Trying to eat at least one dark green veggie and green leafy salad a day. Got my flu shot. Been taking more Vitamin C, too, to fight off a cold I'm trying to get.

Clutter
Don't ask.

Clutter
I said, don't ask.

Life
Well, I feel that weird emptiness that the end of a project (NaNo in this case) always leaves me with. Or maybe it's the holidays. Not having my parents anymore and my siblings' families are always busy ... I always feel a bit disconnected. Lost maybe.

Okay, yeah, the black dog has been nipping at me. Well, that happens, as y'all know because he nips at you, too. Comes with life, I guess.

Clutter
Sure. Okay. Remember when I told you that I was cleaning the back bedroom and had made a lot of progress? Well, I had to put things back in there so that I had space to put out the Christmas decorations. So I've lost ground. And got behind on magazines, newspapers, mail, etc. Well, I'll dig myself out, and that will probably help my feelings, too.

Anyway, that's what's going on for me this week. Hope y'all are all doing good.

Hopeful

For no good reason, I remain hopeful.

I take that back. I remain hopeful because I still believe in God, my nation, my family and my friends.

I think it's easy to feel overwhelmed these days. We've all got problems. Health, money, marriage, spiritual, emotional, and so on. But hold on.

There is a better day coming. Not as fast as we'd like -- otherwise it would be here already -- but it is coming. We just have to hold on and hold together and we will get there.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." -- Psalms 30:5

NaNoWriMo Winner!

I won National Novel Writing Month! I stayed up until 4:30 this morning so I could get it done. Then I wrote a bit more this afternoon. Now I will sleep for a week.



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Good intentions, best laid plans, and so on

Howdy! Let's catch up a bit. Slide your chair over here and sip your pumpkin spice hot chocolate while we chat. Comfy? Now, let's see.

About my writing:
I intended to be finished with National Novel Writing Month by now. Or actually by tomorrow. Then I'd have the rest of the month to write more or edit or have a nervous breakdown. However, it's not going to happen. I have 14,000 more words to write. I should have them all by the end of the month. I would have finished except my plans changed mid-month.

First, a wise person pointed out that if I wanted people to buy my Christmas cards from Cafepress and actually get them in time to send them out, I needed to have my cards already up on my Cafepress store. Yikes. So I took time off to do that. And what frustrating ordeal it was. Formatting, re-formatting, uploading, editing, re-editing, etc., took two and half days away from NaNoWriMo. And even then, I didn't get all the cards up there I had hoped. Well, I'll keep adding to it them, and next year, there will be a much larger selection.

Second, a woman contacted me about making four mini-photo books for her. For money! So I said yes, of course, thinking it would only take a couple of hours. Naturally it took all day and most of an evening to get them to her satisfaction. But I got paid. Woohoo! I also lost another NaNoWriMo day.

And it's okay. I intend to reach 50,000 words by the end of the month, and I can still do that. I was stressing about it and then I remembered this: NaNoWriMo is for me and not the other way around. It's for me to write fast and explore new things and meet new writers and enjoy the whole maddening process.

About health:
Haven't walked every day like I did in October. Part of the problem is, of course, trying to get everything done and do NaNoWriMo, too. The rest has to do with lack of willpower. Got to power through this and keep exercising. Even though I'd rather be at my computer or reading a book or -- and I only say this because it's the truth -- eating, eating, eating. It's weird how our bodies fight getting healthy. I've really been experiencing urges to eat like a person returning from being stranded on a desert island. For the most part, I've resisted them. But not always.

About clutter:
The back bedroom is just about ready to receive visitors. Five or six more hours, and it will be ready to be dusted and vacuumed. Finally that room can be used for something besides storage. When it's finished, the next thing I'm going to do is donate 50 books to my local library. Surely in all these books, I can find 50 that I no longer want. I'm going to, even if I do have to give up some. Let's be honest: in a 1,100 square foot house, 1,000 books (approximately) is too many. I'll keep the ones I reread or use for reference or simply love, but the rest got to go. Eventually. Right now, I'm aiming for 50.

About life:
Mostly the black dog has stayed away. I find if I stay busy with creative things -- photo books, NaNoWriMo, scrapbooking, writing, creating cards, etc. -- I'm mostly not depressed with large periods of what I would call contentment. Admittedly, the financial part of my life is terrible, but I'm still paying my bills and buying food and obviously Internet access, so all-in-all, I won't complain. Still looking for a full-time job, but have started telling people I'm open to a part-time job. My little town is just not doing well. I keep wondering if I'm supposed to move. Well, we'll see what happens.

That's about it for now. Oh, here's the link to the Christmas Cards. I think you all already have it, but just in case. Have a great week!

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Back

Howdy! Sorry to have been away. Lots of projects, but mostly National Novel Writing Month. Which is still going on, Lord help me.

Oh, there is this: Oakleaf Harbor Christmas Cards. That's where you can buy my Christmas cards. Order now to be sure you have them in plenty of time to send me one!

I was pleased with how the cards turned out, particularly since I don't consider myself to be an arty person. I took off two days from NaNoWriMo to work on them and get them uploaded in time for people to order them. I have 5 designs here. Hope to have more, but probably not in time for this Christmas. We'll see if inspiration strikes. Mostly it depends on when I finish my NaNoWriMo novel.

Anyway, how are things for you? Anything exciting in your world? Looking forward to the holidays? I like the holidays. I like the lights and sounds and scents of Christmas. I also really really really love turkey and stuffing and cranberry relish. I get hungry just thinking about it.

Anyway, talk to you soon!`

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What I'd like to be doing instead

I want to play World of Warcraft. I want to chat online and read silly internet articles. I want to watch TV. I want to window shop or browse the books at the library for an afternoon. But instead, I'm writing, writing, writing for National Novel Writing Month. I always forget how it takes all of your time and then some.

And when you're not writing, you're plotting or thinking about your character and figuring out how to make their lives miserable. Or even to kill them. (I confess that when I get frustrated with a story, I usually drop an asteroid on my characters. That relieves stress. For me. I'm not sure my characters appreciate it, but they're only written, right?)

Anyway, I'm at 20,145 word. If I can maintain this pace, I should be done sometime close to Thanksgiving. I hope before, but as long as I'm written 50,000 words, I'll be happy.

So what you be doing? Fun stuff, I bet. Sigh. I'm so jealous.

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Earthquake and other stuff

Yesterday was an exciting day. We had an earthquake then and several aftershocks this morning. The major quake was 5.6 the scientists say, a record for Oklahoma. Made a few new cracks in my interior walls and one new in the brick facade, but nothing major. Quite weird.

Anyway, in less exciting news.

Writing:
Deep in National Novel Writing Month. Currently 14,250 cumulative. Doing better than I've ever done with a story that I really feel uncertain about it. It's family drama. Dark secrets. But no magic, vampires, beasts, magick, swords, or really heroes. Just people making good and bad decisions and not knowing until later which is which. It's quite odd for me. I've never written anything like it. I think it's good for me for explore this new territory even if a published book never results from it.

Four people from my town signed up for NaNoWriMo this year. They've apparently all quit, but they did start and wrote a couple of thousand words, so that's good, and they still have plenty of time to get inspired.

Health:
Still walking at the gym. Eating things I shouldn't. Got to cut that back. Otherwise, so far, so good. Intending on getting my flu shot this week.

Money:
I'm making four photo books for a woman featuring her beautiful baby. I made one of my roommate's grandchildren for him, and he showed it around work. Several other people are supposed to order ones, also. Hope they do. Not a lot of money, but it's helping pay my bills. Still selling greeting cards. Think I've thought of just about every funny thing I can about birthdays. Going to work on Christmas cards next. Still sending out resumes.

Life:
Black dog is staying away. Health is okay. Still fighting insomnia, but will talk to my doctor at my next appointment next month and see what we can do about that.

Anyway, that's my news.

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5021

5021 words for my first day of National Novel Writing Month. The best first day I've ever had. Of course, I wrote over 2500 words last night by staying up until three and got the rest today. With the lack of sleep and my general health problems, I don't feel that good.

Well, a nap and some down time, I will be ready to go again. Nano is unrelenting. You have to make your words each day, or you'll get behind. If you get behind, it's harder and harder to catch up, particularly since November 30 is going to roll around whether you're caught up or not.

Anyway, I'm hanging in there. Hope you're doing well. Talk to you tomorrow.

On your mark ...

It starts tonight. National Novel Writing Month begins at midnight. I intend to start writing then on Twice Around the Crazy Tree. I'm quite nervous about it, which is odd since, after all, no one is making me do this. It's amazing the amount of pressure I can put on myself.

Oh, here's the "web badge" for participants!

I wish the badge was larger. I'd print it out and plaster it everywhere I could.

Anyway, I'm to give out Halloween candy tonight and do some last-minute cleaning on my house and get ready to write.

Your support is appreciated!

Thumb

National Novel Writing Month starts on Tuesday, and I'm panicking a bit. I don't my outline even really started for the book I've decided to write. And the book I've chosen may be outside my ability. Well, it's NaNoWriMo, which is perfect for experiments and failures. It's odd to write something while knowing it might not be ever be published, self or otherwise.

My years in newspaper oriented me toward workable prose. Stories that might not be excellent but good enough to make a deadline. Journalists learn to not write long, to not be overly poetic, and to not love their words. I learned those lessons well.

NaNoWriMo is the time to thumb my nose at those lessons and see what else is in the world. We'll see how it goes, but my gosh, it's exciting!

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A letter from Satan

I received a letter from Satan. I didn't even know he had my address. I suspect telemarketers gave it to him. Here's what it said.

Dear Mr. Bagley:

I trust this missive finds you well. If so, how utterly disappointing. You must understand my goal remains the total spiritual and physical destruction of mankind. It has always been a state of warfare between lower forms such as yourself and the other 7,087,978,002 humans and my own perfect being. I detest you all with an eternal hatred. Even so, there are certain lines even I do not cross, which you have done so.

I'm speaking about your recent comment which said I was to blame for Congress. I must take exception to that. Although I and my minions have certainly corrupted my fair share of Congressmen — the list involving Congressional interns alone would fill a huge book — you put too much stock in me and not enough stock in human greed and ignorance.

Yes, that's right. The “devil” didn't make them do any of their evil acts; they did them all on their own. Oh, I might have whispered a suggestion or two, but often they were already ahead of me. In many ways, they fulfill the potential for evil which I have always known humans possess. Why The Other hasn't simply swept your entire species from the earth remains something I will never understand nor want to.

I can and do claim credit for: suicide bombers, malaria, wars and rumors of wars, that plastic packaging that is almost impossible for anyone to open, thong swimwear for men and women, the KKK, the delightful lack of morals on primetime television shows, the fact that fattening and unhealthy food tastes so good, the crass commercialization of *****mas, most rock bands and pop stars, slavery, Internet porn, drug cartels, and so on.

One side note: You also blamed me for Jersey Shore, but the success of that show is strictly due to human stupidity and immorality. Oh, I admit I find their squalid little lives to be amusing, but once again, I cannot claim credit. They are promoting drunkenness and promiscuity on their own. I suspect The Other will have harsh words for them when they finally stagger off the mortal plane. Pardon me while I chuckle in anticipation.

To return to the matter at hand, in the future, please refrain from mentioning myself and Congress as connected in any fashion besides the obvious. Otherwise, you will hear from my attorneys at Beatem, Stompem & Spitonem, Inc., an outstanding firm among the many, many, many lawyers who work for me.

Now that we have cleared this up, I can return to inspiring bio-weapon designers. After all, that zombie outbreak you humans are so fixated on isn't going to happen by itself.

Sincerely,
His Satanic Majesty
Lucifer

--------

I really need to get a post office box.

(Copyright 2011 by Stephen B. Bagley. Excerpted from Return of the Floozy. No copying without express prior written permission. Thank you for reading.)

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No idea

I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month in November. Which is really close. This is maybe the craziest thing I've done all year. It's amazing I even think it's possible for me to do this when I haven't managed an extended amount of writing all year.

Well, it's on. It's like riding a roller coaster, and I'm nearing the top. My stomach is fluttering. My eyes are wide. I can see for miles, and there's that hesitation for a moment as the ride slows as we reach the crest.

I'm attempting mainstream fiction this year. It's the story of Hunter Thornton. The book is called Twice Around the Crazy Tree.

Hunter Thornton hasn't been home for five years. He's happier not being there, and his family -- with the exception of his sister -- agrees. But when he learns the town is going to raise a statue to his grandfather, he has to return, his longtime and long suffering girlfriend in tow. Because while his grandfather Franklin Thornton deserved many things, a statue wasn't one of them. Hunter knows because he's the keeper of secrets, dark twisted things that could tear his family apart. What Hunter doesn't know is if he's strong enough to carry the truth twice around the crazy tree.

I've never attempted anything like this in a book. My plays are closer to mainstream than any of my fiction. I hope Hunter's story is funny, sad, strong, sexy, and above all, interesting. I don't like boring. So we'll see.

I don't promise to not have vampire, werewolf, shape-shifting alien show up in the middle if necessary. After all, I have to write at least 1,667 words a day. I may need an alien or two.

Are you participating in NaNoWriMo?

From "Twice Around the Crazy Tree"

Cynthia followed me down to the lake. I sat in the stone beach watched the setting sun turn the muddy water into gold. She walked closer to the water's edge. I could hear a couple of cars leaving up at the house. I wondered who was escaping.

"You could have told me," she said, and in her voice was something quiet and final. I caught my breath as I realized what I had done and what it already cost me. Apparently I wasn't done paying. There's always the sinner and the sin.

"I didn't know how," I said when the silence became unbearable.

"I would have believed you," she said.

"I know," I said. "I didn't have the words. No, that's not true. Keeping those secrets, keeping that secret ... it defined me for so long. Everything I did ... It was all in relation to that."

She turned, but the shadows covered her face.

"What happens now?" she asked.

"Well, I don't know," I said. "I figure they won't build the statue, but maybe so. You can bet Grandmother is busy with damage control. I suspect I won't get invited to any more family reunions. My sister won't talk to me for a few months, but she will get over it. And behind my back, she will defend me. My cousins ..." I paused, feeling my eyes well up. "I never knew about them. We need to talk, I guess."

"It wasn't your fault," she said, coming to me.

I wiped my eyes with the palm of my hand. "If I had only said something."

She sat beside me and rested her hand on my leg. "You were a kid. Scared. You did the best you could. Nope of this is your fault. None. It's all his fault. I wish I could scratch his eyes out. If they build that statue, I promise to God, it won't be up long. As for your grandmother, if she thinks you Thorntons can hold a grudge, she has no idea how long and mean and strong I can hold one!"

She sounded so fierce, I had to laugh.

"I mean it," she said.

"I know. That's what makes it so funny. And wonderful."

"I wish I could have been there for you back then," she said. "I wish someone had been."

"That's the thing with secrets," I said. "No one knows you have them, so they can't help you." I spread my hands. "I wish I had done things differently."

"You have to forgive yourself."

I nodded, not trust myself to speak.

"You have to forgive yourself," she said again. "I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy."

I looked at her. "So there's still an 'us?' After all this mess? All this yelling and lies and all those terrible things?"

Tears glistened on her cheeks in the dying light. I felt more than saw her smile. "You bet your brass buttons, buddy."

I grabbed her hand, and we watched the sky turn black and stars came out as a little sliver of moon danced on the lake.

We sat there for a long time. And then we got up and went twice around the crazy tree.

Together.

(Excerpt from Twice Around the Crazy Tree by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. No copying without express prior written permission. Thanks for reading.)

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40 books I've read in 2011

I'm horribly behind in updating the books I've read. I added a few more today and will work on getting this list up-to-date before year's end. But here's what I have entered so far.

Books Read In 2011

40. **** Ghost Story by Jim Butcher. Not the strongest entry in the long-running Dresden Files series but still good, it does have the distinction of starting with our hero being dead. Takes a lot to write a character out of that situation.

39. *** The President's Vampire by Christopher Farnsworth.
38. *** The Half-Made World by Felix Gilman.
37. *** 90 Days to Your Novel by Sarah Domet.

36. **** Visions by Michio Kaku. Written in 1997, this book looks to the future. While interesting and lively, it's somewhat dated. But what's sad is how many of these future visions are yet to come true.

35. **** The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson. This small book continues to help people attain more in their spiritual life and started a whole movement based on it.

34. **** The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. The ultimate think-better/feel-better book that continues to impress and inspire people. Helpful.

33. **** The Well-Fed Writer: Back for Seconds by Peter Bowerman. Updated version of The Well-Fed Writer with expanded sections on marketing, promotion, and cold-calling.

32. **** The Well-Fed Writer by Peter Bowerman. Another well-written and informative book about writing nonfiction articles. A bit dated, but good reading.

31. **** How to Write & Sell Simple Information for Fun and Profit by Robert W. Bly with Fred Gleeck. Informative and entertaining book about writing short nonfiction articles. Not as detailed as I hoped, but worth reading for anyone interested in selling articles.

30. **** The Strange Affair of Spring-Heeled Jack by Mark Hodder. Another steampunk entry with a decidedly mystical bend. Not sure whether the author can control all the events he has in motion in this series, but it's fun, fast, and fascinating to watch him try.

29. **** A Matter of Trust by Sherrilyn Polf. A moving and lyrical romance set just before the outbreak of WWII. The first in a series -- The Engineers of Flight -- that will make you want to read more.

28. **** My Heart Will Always Cry by Janell Haworth Desmond. A heart-breaking and devastating journey as the author survives her son's suicide and learns to live with hope and healing.

27. **** Jack London: Writer of Adventure by Martha Rhynes. A lively and interesting biography of the famous writer and his infamous escapades. Well worth your time even if you don't like biographies.

26. **** The Summer of the Frogs by Tressa Green. The diary of a psychotic woman seen through her eyes. Fascinating and frightening. It's a book you will think long and hard about.

25. **** Snuff by Terry Pratchett. Discworld remains one of fantasy's most amazing and wonderful creations. In this wisely funny novel, Commander Sam Vines takes a vacation that promptly involves him in murder, conspiracy, goblins, and lords behaving badly. Always entertaining with a subtle message about the rights of all freed creatures. Recommended.

24. **** Ganymede by Cherie Priest. Another entry in the steampunk and zombie stories of The Clockwork Century. Less suspenseful and less focused than the previous two books, it's still worth a read.

23. *** The Beginning of Infinity by David Deautsch.
22. *** Eat by Ian Smith.

21. ***** The Wild Life of Our Bodies by Rob Dunn. A fascinating look at the bugs, parasites, and other crawlies in our body that may help us more than they harm us.

20. **** I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry. A new collection of funny essays from the master humorist.

19. *** I'm Over All That by Shirley MacLaine.
18. *** Ageless Memory by Harry Lorayne.
17. ** The Path of Energy by Synthia Andrews.

16. **** The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. A one year project by a woman in an attempt to make her life happier. Excellent suggestions.

15. *** 20 Years Younger by Bob Greene.
14. *** Your Creative Brain by Shelley Carson.
13. *** The Vitamin D Solution by Dr. M.F. Holick.
12. *** Don't Look Down by Jennifer Cruise.

11. **** Dreadnought by Cherie Priest. A steampunk/zombie novel that reads fast and fills your mind with images of a alternative world of terrible realities and strange vistas. Recommended.

10. *** The Portable Crafter: Cardmarking by Peggy Jo Ackley.
9. *** Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris.
8. *** Lord John and the Hand of Devils by Diana Gabaldon.
7. * Curation Nation by Steven Rosenbaum.

6. **** Hiss of Death by Rita Mae Brown & Sneaky Pie Brown. Another excellent entry in the Mrs. Murphy mysteries. I wish the Browns would write more and write faster. Recommended.

5. **** 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne as retold by JacQueline Morley and illustrated by Li Sidong. This graphic novel does a good job with Verne's story. Excellent for teenagers and older children. Recommended.

4. ** Mrs. Pargeter's Point of Honor by Simon Brett.

3. **** Wake by Robert J. Sawyer. A great science fiction tale that manages to be informative without ever being boring. Sawyer is our generation's Issac Asimov -- and may be the better writer. Recommended.

2. **** Composed by Rosanne Cash. I usually avoid celebrity memoirs because I learn things I didn't want to know. This memoir, however, is lovely and lyrical with absorbing life lessons that apply to all of us. Recommended.

1. **** The Guinea Pig Diaries by A.J. Jacobs. Funny and fascinating collection of "experiments" to which Jacobs subjected himself -- and his long suffering wife. Recommended.

Dragon testing

This is a test.

This post is to test Dragon NaturallySpeaking. I lost Dragon when my computer crashed. I reloaded it today, and I experienced quite a bit of difficulty in doing so. Traces of the old installation were still left on my computer, and that made it difficult to install anew.

However, I got on the Dragon website and found other people had experienced the problem also. There was a fix, which I used, and now I am dictating this into Microsoft Word.

I thought Dragon might be useful for National Novel Writing Month, which is only a week away. I'm quite excited about NaNo. I'm hoping that excitement will carry through the entire month and bring me through to victory.

I'm amazed how accurate this program is so far. No mistakes. This is version 11.5. I remember version 4, which made many mistakes. I could type faster with fewer mistakes than it could take dictation. But 11.5 is going quite well.

Anyway, wanted to post tonight, and I have, so good night! Talk to you tomorrow. Bye!

Writing

If you want to be a writer, you write. You can read magazines, attend conferences, workshop your stories, etc., but you write.

I mention this because I was talking to a writer(?) who didn't understand – or didn’t believe – she had to write to actually claim that title. In fact, writing was secondary to her plans. She blogged, she FBed, she workshopped, she went to conferences, she read writing books, she did everything the magazines say a writer should. All of which can be helpful. And if those things are all she wants, it’s her life. She can live as she chooses and be happy, but it isn't writing.

I don't know of any way to be a writer other than to write. And if you want to be a published writer, you have to finish what you write. Then you write some more.

And you have to let your baby go. You have to release it, either to agents or self-publishing or your files, but after you've written it as best as you can, you have to let it go and move on. No, it isn't easy. It's easier to fiddle with it forever, but you must move on eventually.

You have more than one story in you. Yes, you didn't write that first story the exact way you wanted to. It's not perfect. But it won't ever be perfect. If it is, then you did something wrong.

The whole point of being an artist of any type is to continue to strive. If we reach our goal, we have to raise our goal.

It's frustrating, heart-breaking, exhausting, but it's also exhilarating, fascinating, fulfilling. That striving makes us human. Actually more than human. The ape reaching for the hand of an angel.

And that’s how I see writing.

Poor Little Blog

Poor little blog. I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry. I'll do better in the future. I hope.

Let's see what's going on in my world. Not much. I clean house, ran errands, exercise, watch TV, read books, sleep, fret about the plight of the nation, feed my fish and clean the aquarium, laundry my clothes, etc. Not much to write about.

I did sell a couple of books and a few more greeting cards this week. I put out the September family newsletter and have to get to work on the October so that it won't be hanging over my head in November since I have plans for that month.

What plans? you ask. National Novel Writing Month, of course. A month of frenzied writing in which I will write 1,667 words a day for 30 days. Yes, it's as crazy as it sounds. Particularly when you consider -- and you should -- that I'm not even coming anywhere close to that right now.

Madness, I tell you, madness.

And what am I going to write? I don't know. Maybe Murder at Forty Fathoms. Or Circles. Or Ghosts. Or something else. We'll see.

But I intend to participate, and I intend to win.

Talk to you tomorrow!

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Henchmen

By Stephen B. Bagley

Do you ever wonder where the villains in those James Bond films get all those henchmen? The henchmen drop like flies as they defend their Great Leader, but apparently there is an inexhaustible supply of underlings. They’re more plentiful than the mixed-up nuts at a political convention.

Let's imagine that job description: Wanted: Henchmen. Good salary, but no benefits because the hero will shoot, knife, karate-chop, laser, or drown you long before you reach retirement age. You also might be executed for irritating Our Great Leader or used as a test subject for a deadly nerve toxin or on a whim. No phone calls. Apply in person. Bring machine gun.

You can understand why the henchmen at the beginning of the adventure don’t quit — after all, they haven’t seen Bond mow down dozens of their co-henchmen — but those guys who stick it out to the end are simply asking for a messy death. They’re the lemmings of the villain world. No one will sell them life insurance. They should all wear red shirts. (In the original Star Trek series, crewmen who wore red shirts rarely survived beyond the first commercial break. I hate having to explain jokes. Please brush up on your pop culture trivia. Thanks so much.)

Part of the high attrition rate isn’t their fault, of course. Their boss can never just shoot Bond. No, their super genius boss has to arrange an elaborate death for Bond for no good reason, and then go off and leave Bond completely unattended so that the super spy can escape and foil the master plan. It’s like the boss is a Democrat or some other creature that self-destructs.

When I was younger, I used to root for Bond — and I still do — but I have a lot of respect for some of those villains. For instance, in Moonraker, evil genius Hugo Drax has built a huge space station that even has artificial gravity. It’s years ahead of what we can do. And in The Spy Who Loved Me, another evil genius, Karl Stromberg, has built an entire city underwater, once again something we can’t do. Admittedly both of them are crazier than a North Korean president, but you’ve got to admire their superior engineering skills.

And they’re surely providing jobs. Drax alone employed hundreds. If he really existed, he would be running for President for the Republican Party based on his corporate experience. He might even win.

But Bond doesn’t do that. He builds nothing. All he does is blow things up. Space station, underwater city, stealth ship, Starbucks, etc. There’s never a hint that maybe we should use the technology for the greater good. And the only jobs he provides is for a few techs in Q Division and a couple of explosives factories.

Whenever Bond shows up, there’s rubble and smoke everywhere with a body count higher than in Halo. Then, after a smug quip or two, Bond is off to a beach sipping a nasty vodka martini with the latest Bond tart clinging to his arm. For a super villain, that’s got to be really discouraging.

You can tell the villains are dispirited. In the last couple of Bond films, the villains are simply after money. No grand plans of world conquest. Not that you can blame them. Conquering the world implies you have to rule it, and that’s no fun at all. Just having to deal with the cast of Jersey Shore is a headache no one wants. (Naturally the cast would be killed, but the debate of how to torture them before their deaths would take up days.)

Still, I miss the days when they dreamed big. When they would get excited about the idea of orbital missile platforms or a hidden base built of ice in the Antarctica from which to launch nuclear-armed submarines. Those were the days of the great villains, but I fear they have gone away forever like the dodo, passenger pigeon, and honest Congressmen.

At least henchmen aren’t endangered. You can find thousands of them working for various political campaigns, hoping their man will one day peal forth truly mad laughter and order the robot flying monkeys to attack.

Copyright 2011 by Stephen B. Bagley. Excepted from Return of the Floozy. All rights reserved. No copying without express prior written permission from the publisher and author.

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Flickers

Been feeling ground down lately. Stressed by the day-to-day uncertainties of life. Finances remain a major worry. I waver between being a miser, hoarding my coins, stretching funds as far they can go, and being a spendthrift, tossing money at books and toys, defiantly baring my teeth at my creditors. This does not make a sound financial plan. I think I might be crazy.

Sometimes out of the blue, the loss of my parents hits me in the face. It's strange the things I will remember about them. I miss talking to my mother. Miss the Sunday morning phone calls from my father. I don't like visiting their graves. Don't like being reminded of what is lost. And besides, I know they're not there.

In the end, no matter how strong-willed we are, no matter how much we cling to life, no matter how hard we fight, in the end, we all pass away. We all go into the unknown. In the end, we all die.

And it always seems that our lives are too brief, mere flickers of flame in the storm-tossed dark. Every moment is precious because it will not come again, and yet, it is impossible to live each moment to the fullest. We were not made to be constantly on the edge of life. We have down times and off times, low moments and sad moments. We cannot be rejoicing all the time, and if we were, how would we know what to rejoice in? If we had no darkness, how would we know that a moment filled with sunlight and laughter should be cherished?

Perhaps that is what Heaven truly is: Bright moments that we know are bright for which we do not have pay for with darkness. Pure rejoicing with no taste of the bittersweet. To dance in the infinite sunlight as the stars sing forth praises.

There are times I long for a place I've never been. Do you?

Ulysses

Ulysses is one of my favorite poems. If you've not read it before, you may be familiar with the last six lines if you watched the series finale of Frazier.

The poem tells the story of Ulysses, no longer young. He's returned home and ruled well, but now he had decided he wants one last adventure. He's giving the throne to his son and setting sail to see if "some work of noble note, may yet be done" in a last bold journey into the unknown.

The language is measured and metered, but has a sense of urgency, that of a man confronting his own mortality and wanting something before him as great as what lies behind.

If you can, read it aloud. It's worth your effort to taste the words. Here it is.

Ulysses

By Alfred, Lord Tennyson

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel; I will drink
Life to the lees. All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea. I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known,-- cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honor'd of them all,--
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains; but every hour is saved
>From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
to whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,--
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labor, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail;
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me,--
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads,-- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends.
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-----------------------------------------------------

How wonderful. How utterly powerful. It inspires me every time I read it. As I grow older, I find more wisdom and meaning in each line.

Hope you enjoyed it. Talk to you tomorrow.

Cold

They are still working on the roof today. The sound effects are amazing. Booms, clanks, thuds, hammering, sawing, shouting. It's quite interesting in a pounding headache sort of way. Which I have. Can't blame it on on them. Think I've picked up a cold or maybe allergies. Feel really tired and ran a fever last night. Better than morning, just exhausted. Sure wish the house was quieter.

If I felt better, I'd go to the library or somewhere to get away from the noise, but then I'd just spread my germs around. If it is germs. It might be allergies. Very possibly is. It would be weird to have a cold every year around this time.

I've taken antihistamines and Advil and Alka-Seltzer. Also, Vitamin C. And hot green tea, which soothes my throat and warms my body. Admittedly, I think the green tea would be better with sugar or honey, but I try to avoid sweeteners these days.

They're supposed to finish the roof today, but it doesn't look like they will. Or at least that's what I think. They still have bunches to do. Only one section of the older roof shingles has been torn off. Still have two sections to go. I hope they do. I sure would like to sleep in tomorrow.

Anyway, that's all I have to say today. Hope you're having a good one. Talk to you tomorrow.

Roof

Did I mention that my house is getting a new roof today? Right over my head, a group of men are tearing off the layers of old shingles to prepare for a new layer. They are also apparently performing River Dance. The banging, thumping, and general all around noise has led me to this conclusion.

They started at 8:30 this morning. I don't know how long they will work today. I'm hoping they get the roof done by Wednesday. I don't live in a large house, but it does have a weird shaped roof with at least two layers of shingles on it and maybe three. 

It's a mess outside; tar paper and old shingles are everywhere. I hope they will clean it up before they leave. It's been amazing to watch the old nails rain down. I think they run a magnet over the yard when they finish, but I think we should still be careful about parking on the lawn for a while. There are always a couple of nails just waiting to pierce a tire or be thrown by a lawn mower into someone's leg. I knew a guy that had a nail thrown into his leg. He's fine, of course, but the incident made him more cautious about mowing his own lawn. 

Generally lawn work is dangerous. Sharp shears, whirring blades, rotating knifes on a bush trimmer, explosives, lasers, etc. Frankly, a person could get hurt mowing their lawn. Or their neighbors could. Maybe a whole block.

A man up the street from me has understood that for years. He rarely mows his lawn. Just lets winter beat it down. I would guess his next door neighbors aren't so thrilled with that. This year, though, his lawn has stayed neat because the drought hasn't let the grass and weeds grow. It's been brutal here.

We're supposed to get some rain next week. I sure hope so.

Oh, the desktop computer is working. I'm using it to type this. Still have a few more programs to load and a few fonts and drivers to find, but it's 98 percent done. I hope it continues to work.

Uncertainty

Whoa. Bad day today. Computer is mostly working, but I'm not. Wore myself out and can barely get up and around. Have more programs to install and more updates and drivers. Still haven't installed my printer yet. Will do so in a few minutes. Once I get that done and install a couple more programs, I may be in a place to start work again. I'll be glad when that happens. Or as glad as I can feel while fighting sleep and anxiety.

The thing about any computer system failure is that you're never sure exactly what happened. In this case, it seems to be the operating system crashed and the hardware is okay, but you never really know. I might do all this work, and the system crashes tomorrow or sooner. Every time I've had to restart the desktop, I've held my breath, waiting for that dreaded blue screen. It's uncertain.

I'm sure if I wasn't so tired, I could make that into a metaphor for life: It's uncertain. You can work as hard as you can, do everything right, but the universe remains out of our control. A friend of mine calls it the get-hit-by-a-bus syndrome. He's always been afraid of being too happy because he says if he achieves everything he wants, he will probably step out of his house and get hit by a bus. Yeah, he's a real joy to be around.

But I'm too tired to make any grand statements about life. Things happen. We respond according to our abilities and gifts. Sometimes we do well; sometime we don't. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about mistakes and missteps. Gotta to move beyond that and keep going. I do believe movement counts. "Don't just sit there; do something" is often the best advice. At the very least, you will present a moving target for you foes. And there's a lot to be said for that.

But not by me. At least not today. I need another nap.

5 a.m.

Stayed up to 5 a.m. working on the desktop computer. So far, it's working again, but I'm still installing updates, drivers, and programs. Need to install my printer again, too. It's been quite a day. After I went to bed, I slept for about three hours and got up again and started working on the computer again. That's been my pattern all day: work for a couple of hours, nap, and work again.

I've installed over 275 updates and drivers. I'm amazed. Admittedly the system is five years old, but still, that seems like a lot. But things are calming down on the system considerably so I'm hopeful I'm nearly at the end of this. Of course, then I will start installing programs and all their updates. This may never end.

I do understand why people just go out and buy a new computer rather than go through this process. I think if I could afford it, I would have, but I can't. Well, I could probably manage a new computer, but I have a bunch of programs that won't run on Windows 7. They would have to be upgraded or replaced. Can't afford to do all that. Don't want to do all that. Certainly not in one huge event. I want to upgrade slowly as need be.

About three this morning, I was thinking about computers and whether or not I could do what I want to do without one. Computers bring a lot into our lives, but they take a lot away, too. I know my writing might not have gone the places it has without a computer. And I couldn't make the cards or any of other design projects without it -- or I think that, but people had to be able to do these things before computers, but maybe not as quickly or as productively. Who knows what I would have devoted my life to if there hadn't been an electronic monster on my desk most of my adult life?

Well, that's a path for another life. Maybe somewhere in the multiverse, a Stephen is doing just that: Making his way through an adventuresome life in the outdoors without the use of electronics. Maybe people keep telling him to get one, but he always says, "No, maybe someday, but right now, I'm living in the real world." I wonder how that works out for him.