A letter from Satan

I received a letter from Satan. I didn't even know he had my address. I suspect telemarketers gave it to him. Here's what it said.

Dear Mr. Bagley:

I trust this missive finds you well. If so, how utterly disappointing. You must understand my goal remains the total spiritual and physical destruction of mankind. It has always been a state of warfare between lower forms such as yourself and the other 7,087,978,002 humans and my own perfect being. I detest you all with an eternal hatred. Even so, there are certain lines even I do not cross, which you have done so.

I'm speaking about your recent comment which said I was to blame for Congress. I must take exception to that. Although I and my minions have certainly corrupted my fair share of Congressmen — the list involving Congressional interns alone would fill a huge book — you put too much stock in me and not enough stock in human greed and ignorance.

Yes, that's right. The “devil” didn't make them do any of their evil acts; they did them all on their own. Oh, I might have whispered a suggestion or two, but often they were already ahead of me. In many ways, they fulfill the potential for evil which I have always known humans possess. Why The Other hasn't simply swept your entire species from the earth remains something I will never understand nor want to.

I can and do claim credit for: suicide bombers, malaria, wars and rumors of wars, that plastic packaging that is almost impossible for anyone to open, thong swimwear for men and women, the KKK, the delightful lack of morals on primetime television shows, the fact that fattening and unhealthy food tastes so good, the crass commercialization of *****mas, most rock bands and pop stars, slavery, Internet porn, drug cartels, and so on.

One side note: You also blamed me for Jersey Shore, but the success of that show is strictly due to human stupidity and immorality. Oh, I admit I find their squalid little lives to be amusing, but once again, I cannot claim credit. They are promoting drunkenness and promiscuity on their own. I suspect The Other will have harsh words for them when they finally stagger off the mortal plane. Pardon me while I chuckle in anticipation.

To return to the matter at hand, in the future, please refrain from mentioning myself and Congress as connected in any fashion besides the obvious. Otherwise, you will hear from my attorneys at Beatem, Stompem & Spitonem, Inc., an outstanding firm among the many, many, many lawyers who work for me.

Now that we have cleared this up, I can return to inspiring bio-weapon designers. After all, that zombie outbreak you humans are so fixated on isn't going to happen by itself.

Sincerely,
His Satanic Majesty
Lucifer

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I really need to get a post office box.

(Copyright 2011 by Stephen B. Bagley. Excerpted from Return of the Floozy. No copying without express prior written permission. Thank you for reading.)

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