A few thoughts on the fine art of sighing

      My old computer died. You would have thought I lost a beloved friend by the way I moped around my house for a couple of weeks. During that time period, my answer to any question was a sigh of despair with a hint of brave long-suffering and just a touch of woe-is-me. It was truly a masterpiece of sighing.
      Not that I'm the master of sighing. No, that title belongs to my brother. He is capable of sighs that are the verbal equivalent of the Mona Lisa.
      Unaccountably, I myself have been the cause of many of his sighs, and I can tell you that they are capable of making strong men weep or at least check to see if the tires on their cars are leaking. His sighs convey the overall theme of "my brother is crazy and why am I burdened with him" with layers of such emotions as "life is a mystery of sadness and joy" and "geese fly south in the winter as the year moves toward its end."
      He inherited his ability to sigh from my mother. She was an excellent sigher. In fact, she was capable of multiple skills, such as being both a sigher and a questioner, i.e. "Sigh. What has my son (meaning me) done now?" This was usually followed by a shouting and then I'd participate in the event by doing a fleeing. Occasionally it would be a fleeing for my life or a fleeing to another country, depending on what terrible crime I was wrongly accused of. So I never had time to learn the art of sighing as I was too busy gasping for breath or pleading for mercy. Good times.
      Anyway, perhaps you are thinking of taking up sighing. Here are a few helpful hints. First, develop full lung capacity. I suggest taking singing lessons. You need the volume of that large lady in the horned hat in German operas who always sounds like someone is torturing her in a rain barrel with a pointed stick. Once you have that, you will be able to move the necessary amount of air needed for successful sighing.
      Second, begin slowly. Start first with the gentle I'm-bearing-this-burden-only-because-I-love-you sigh. Just take in a deep breath, hold for a two-count, and then let it out slowly. It's important to do this within the hearing of the person who is triggering the sigh. Otherwise, it's wasted breath, and I would suggest just muttering banefully under your breath in that instance.
      Once you have mastered the first sigh, you can move up to the this-is-a-great-burden-but-I-will-make-the-sacrifice-for-you sigh and from there to the my-life-is-being-ruined-by-your-unreasonable-demands-but-I-will-bear-it-bravely-and-without-complaint-because-I-am-a-saint sigh.
      A few pointers to remember:
      1. Use good judgment. Having to take out the trash or mow the yard or listen your spouse do not qualify for any of the major sighs. Muttering will do.
      2. Do not overuse sighs. They lose their effect. It's better to use them sparingly. If people complain that you're sucking up all the air in the room or start fainting, you need to back off.
      3. Breath mint. Enough said.
      4. Animals and babies have no idea why you're sighing. You're just wasting your breath. Just thank the good Lord for them being in your life as you clean up their latest mess and move on.
      5. Don't be surprised if other people pick up on the sighs and start using them against you. With great sighing comes great responsibility. It's well known that Nixon used a variation of the suffering saint sigh to get the Chinese back to the treaty table. Use your ability wisely for the good of the world.
      I'm afraid I can't really take you any further along the path to sigh mastery. Although I dabble, I'm not really a practicer of this art. But I've been told that I’m a carrier. I wonder what they mean by that. Sigh.