Weight Whining or Watch Out For Those Cows!

      So basically I'm on this diet. Whine Watchers. I mean, Weight Watchers. And the thing is, you can't have milk and cookies on this diet. Oh, you can -- you just can't eat anything else for a week. Well, that's not true. You can eat veggies until your face turns green and drink water until you slosh when you walk. But of course, you don't want to. You want those warm double chocolate chip cookies with a couple of glasses of cold delicious milk. Brother, I'm with you. I feel your pang.
      But maybe it would help if you think of other things. Like, say, Congress. I often lose my appetite when I think about them. Or gasoline prices. But that might make you ill.
      So let's think of something else. Hmm. What about how good you'll look when you lose that weight. Why, you'll be as good looking as an average movie star if you lose a few pounds, have plastic surgery, and mortgage your home and buy a new wardrobe and some bling-bling.
      Well, maybe we shouldn't go that route. Instead, imagine how healthy we'll be when we're fit and thin. We'll be able to work more, work longer hours, work harder, work unceasingly, work ALL THE TIME! Wait, that's not inspiring. Think of something else. Like those chocolate chip cookies. No, no, no. We must be strong. We must be. I think.
      We're all agreed, though, that losing weight is a good thing. A great thing. Even a necessary thing. After all, I'm tired of buying my pants from Omar, the tent maker. And when I think of how many cows died to provide me with a leather jacket ... well, I laugh actually. I don't like cows. Some of the worst memories of my childhood involve cows. They're large, mean and dangerous. Don't let them fool you. They're saying, "Moo," but they're actually saying, "Die puny human! Cows will rule the world, and all other animals will bow before us!" You might think that's udder nonsense, but just remember you were warned when your doorbell rings and you open the door to confront a bloodthirsty herd.
      You can't eat steak, either. Did I mention that? Not a real steak. You can have a three-ounce lean steak. For that, you might as well not even bother. I once ate a fly on my plate because I mistook it for my three-ounce steak. You can't use steak sauce or your steak might float away. Look, my dad used to trim three ounces of fat off of steaks before he grilled them!
      And the worse part of it is that you don't ever get to go back to the way you ate before. It's a lifestyle change. It's eating to live instead of living to eat. You'll live longer or maybe it'll just seem that way. I don't know. I do know that one chocolate chip cookie won't hurt you. But you can't stop at just one, can you? You'd attack the batch of cookies with enough naked hunger to scare a shark. So you can't start. You can't take a chance because it's well known that just two chocolate chip cookies have enough sugar and lard to put 17 pounds on your waist. No one knows why this is so. Einstein tried to figure it out, but it was too hard so he turned to something easy instead.
      We have to be strong, my waist-watching friend. I'm right there with you. I'm right beside you. I'm reaching over you to get to those chocolate chip cookies. Watch out! There's a cow behind you!

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