World Wonders

      Recently I was watching Public Television -- which is what I always watch despite rumors that I have the complete Baywatch on DVD -- and they were showing a program on the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. It was interesting and certainly filled the time until Desperate Housewives -- uh, I mean, Masterpiece Theater came on.
      Can you name the Seven Ancient Wonders? You can? Really? It seems rather useless knowledge to me, but perhaps you don’t have a life. For the rest of us, the Seven Ancient Wonders were:
      1. The pyramids of Egypt (large pointy things in the desert)
      2. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon (which sound like they involved outlaws, rope and Boot Hill, but instead it was actually plants that apparently did something bad enough to deserve to be hung)
      3. The statue of Zeus at Olympia (40 feet tall and made of ivory. I didn't even know they had soap then)
      4. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus (which got its name from King Mausolus of Caria who died and his wife built a huge tomb to put him in -- I guess he was a very large man. The tomb was so huge that eventually any large tomb began to be referred to as a mausoleum. You can use this information if you are ever on Jeopardy)
      5. The temple of Artemis at Ephesus (destroyed by arson, a good indication that Artemis wasn't quite as powerful as they thought)
      6. The Colossus of Rhodes (I thought this might be a sumo wrestler, but it was a huge statue made of bronze)
      7. The Pharos of Alexandria (400 foot tall lighthouse, made of white marble and destroyed by an earthquake. Sorry, no joke for this one.)
      None of these exist anymore except the pyramids, and since I haven't seen them myself, I can't be certain that they do, not with all those special effects that TV can do. Just the other day, I watched a televised speech by the president, and he looked amazingly lifelike. Anyway, since most of the Wonders are gone, I propose a new list of Wonders or at least things that make me wonder. With a lot of thought and research -- at least ten minutes worth -- I present the following:
      1. The Twinkies of Hostess. How do they put that cream in the center of those little cakes? If that isn't enough to guarantee their entry on the list, consider that they contain absolutely no useful nutrients. You would think a vitamin or two would sneak in somehow, but no. Nutrient free, loaded with gene-altering preservatives and completely delicious.
      2. The Dolly of Parton. Yes, I am a fan, and no, I won't explain why. Yes, I will. It's her music, okay? You should have your minds washed out with soap. Twice.
      3. The Com of Puter. Before computers, it took large groups of people several weeks to make the number of mistakes that a computer can make in just seconds. If computers had counted the ballots in Florida, Donald Duck would be president even though Mickey Mouse obviously would receive the most votes.
      4. The Democrats of Congress. They're getting listed for their incredible ability to keep straight faces as they say things like: "We've always been against big government," "We want to balance the budget," and "We want to put aside party politics and work with President Bush." Their lies alone could make Jezebel blush.
      5. The Inter of Net. This is very complicated so I will type it slow. Right now millions of people are sitting in front of their computer, having clicked on a file to download. They will be still sitting there hours later. The wondrous thing of this is that these same people are in such a hurry on the highway that they will cut in front of school buses and ambulances.
      6. The Post of Office. Despite the numerous times I have won sweepstakes, they continue to lose my winner notifications but still get my bills to me.
      7. The Talk of Shows. Watching a talk show decreases your IQ by several points, thus allowing you to enjoy pro wresting and not wonder at the lack of fatal injuries.
      There you have my choices. You may have different ones. Write and let me know. Then I will write an entry about the fact that you don't have any more of a life than I do.

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