Ten yucky things I like

      First, I want to say that I don't know how it happened: a nice, well-mannered country boy like me developing a taste for -- even a craving for -- such things. But I do. I've tried to quit, but I can't. I like these things; you're just going to have to learn to live with it. I have.
      Brussels sprouts: Yes, I know they are the green boogers of the vegetable world, but I like them. They're loaded with tons of vitamins and minerals, but I don't hold that against them. I like them steamed with just a bit of salt.
      Swallowing gum: As a child, I was told not to do this because it would tie my insides up, and once was even spanked because I defiantly swallowed a huge mouthful. I rarely swallow gum now, and when I do, it's done without thinking. But when I realize what I've done, it always gives me a small, guilty thrill of pleasure.
      Pamela Lee Anderson: Despite her blonde beauty, this vixen specializes in being vulgar, tasteless and rude. Her body had enough plastic in it to make at least a thousand rolls of Saran Wrap. Still, she has a nice smile, and I keep thinking if she could only meet the right man who would understand and nurture her, she would blossom into someone wonderful. I'll send her my address.
      Lemons seasoned with salt: There is nothing like eating a slice of lemon sprinkled with a generous dash of salt to make your dining companions blanch. To further gross them out, I eat the peel, too.
      The Democratic Party: I like their pro-environmental stance and their civil rights work for women, blacks, the elderly, the poor and everyone else. I like their support of the Arts and college scholarships for everyone. I like the idea of an Universal Health Plan. If their leaders could just develop a moral or even two or three of those pesky things, I might move them off my yucky list and vote proudly for them.
      Sonic Drive-In foot-long hot dog: And not just a regular foot-long, but one with double chili, double cheese with lots of sweet onions and spicy jalapeño peppers. This cholesterol packed, carcinogenic, fat soaked, artery clogging dish has been known to make women faint and men excuse themselves. If I am ever healthy enough again, I am going to have two. With cheese fries. Have an ambulance with a cardiac cart standing by.
      Twangy country folk music: I like it when the female singer has a voice of such piercing sweetness and over-whelming volume that it makes your teeth vibrate and animals flee. Iris Demint is my favorite. She can drive insects out of your house.
      Mud between my toes: No, I'm serious. Really. The next time it rains, rush barefooted outside -- or even wait until it stops raining if you're a wimp -- and find some nice mud. It's the strangest feeling as the cool earth flows between your toes, somehow soothing and exciting at the same time. While you're out there, splash around a little. You're only losing a bit of dignity, and if you're like me, you're overflowing with that stuff anyway.
      A really good sneeze: It's always a surprise to me that I can produce such a loud noise with such force. Of course, this gets old quickly if you have a cold and can't stop sneezing, but an occasional one -- perhaps when you step outside into the bright sunshine -- is a cleansing feeling. I realize that this is not much fun for anyone in front of you so try to aim to the side or any unoccupied direction but not into the wind.
      Dog kisses: Not on the lips, of course, but nothing besides a baby will ever kiss you with more enthusiasm and flowing slobber. It's yucky, but I recommend it highly.
      So there you have all ten of them, and after reading them over, I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed about them. It's not as if I'm Republican or watch talk shows or like something truly yucky like those. :)