Sex and the Single Novelist

      No one is reading me tonight so I can write anything. All the responsible adults are watching the election. I check in occasionally on the results, but I'm not needed there. Since everyone is gone, I can talk about sex. That's right. SEX. Catch your breath.
      In my fantasy novel, which is a love story as much as it's an adventure story, my characters have a couple of scenes where they have a bit of fun. I wanted to give enough details so that the reader could realize that they were having hot monkey love, but not so much that it caused an "ewww" reaction as they held the book.
      I went to my local library, waited until right before closing, and then checked out ten modern romance novels. I was pretty sure I'd know the plots of the book: girl meets boy, he treats her badly, they fight the whole book, and then they fall into bed as the last page is turned.
      Man, am I out of date! They fall into bed a lot sooner and more often these days. Many times. The rest of the plot is still the same, but they're doing the naughty and doing it with a lot of detail. A lot of detail. Of course, they don't use clinical terms to describe the sex -- apparently that would kill the mood -- instead we are treated to phrases (and I didn't make up any of these) like "his throbbing man-shaft of pleasure iron," "her snow white, silky soft nursing mounds," and one that I had to read twice to fully appreciate it: "her undulating cavern of velvet passion."
      Cavern?! My gosh, how big is this woman? Do they give tours? Is her last name Carlsbad? And that undulating couldn't be good. She needs to see a doctor and fast. And "pleasure iron?" I showed that part of a book to a female friend of mine, and she said, "Ouch." Then she borrowed the book.
      And the way they talked during sex. This is quoted from Passion's Rogue. "She spread her arms wide and cried out, "I cannot wait! Take me now. Fill my senses with your savage love. Let me fly among the heavens. Let us soar to the stars above, my love, and we will shine among the hosts." Look, lady, he's a guy, not a space shuttle.
      I was shocked by the graphic nature of the books. As I read them over and over and over, I kept wondering what is this world coming to? And these were at the public library. Not in a brown paper wrapper or anything.
      Still, reading those books was informative and helpful. I learned what phrases I would not be using in my book. In fact, I think they might just shake hands and let go at that. Any more than that and it could cause undulating, and none of us want that. I don't think we do. Do we?