A few thoughts about writing plays

      I can't say I have enough experience in writing plays to set rules for any playwright, but I do know what I want to see in a play. I want to see a play that doesn't make me want to throw up or pass out from boredom. Here are few thoughts along that line.
      1. Unless the play is set in prison, I think some of the cast members should be women. Preferably attractive women that I can dream about. An ideal production would have lots of attractive women who would single me out in the audience and realize that I was their one and only, but were willing to share me with other women.
      2. I don't want to see the uncut version of anything. A few years back, I saw a long, long, long production of Twelfth Night. I thought it was actually going to take 12 nights to finish. By the time the curtain dropped, I felt that I had given up several bad habits.
      3. Because the rampant use of profanity in movies and modern society, it doesn't amuse, shock or move me as much as it bores me. And having children say four-letter words is only funny to people lacking maturity and taste. Likewise, I outgrew my fascination with body noises when I was 13.
      4. I prefer happy endings because I see plenty of unhappy ones in real life and don't need the reminder. But if you must write a tragedy -- and apparently some people are so driven -- it should be meaningful. Having a character die of a heart attack at the end of the play even though there's been no mention of heart trouble is just stupid. And don't lay the doom and gloom on too thick. I watched a play in which a abusive husband beat his wife, his daughter, his son, their dog, two neighbors, his brother and a policeman. After the fourth beating, it started to become funny in a horrible way. Oh, he tripped during the last five minutes of the play and broke his neck. Sadly enough, it was part of the play, and so the actor came back to the next night to beat again.
      5. When the characters laugh a lot on stage, I've noticed the audience rarely joins in. That is significant.
      6. I like some sort of resolution to the problems raised in the play. There are enough loose ends in real life. I like to feel that the playwright has done a bit of work before we enter the theater.
      If you have a play you're working on, try to keep in mind these suggestions from a dedicated audience member.