It's not tasty being green

      I had my last cup of green tea last night. I've been on this health kick lately, and a friend of mine (whom I will never trust again) told me that green tea was healthy and "tasted good." Somehow she maintained a straight face when she said it. So I bought some, and as I toiled on my NaNoWriMo novel over the past few weeks, I thought I'd give it a try.
      It's a cliché, of course, but the idea of an author being fueled by some beverage, be it coffee, alcohol or tea has been with us ever since Gok pounded on a rock while he was fueled by fermented dinosaur milk. I don't drink coffee because my IBD won't tolerate it. I don't drink alcohol, but I'm not some fanatic teetotaler about it. If you want to sully the sacred temple of your body by swilling liquids created in the pits of Hell to destroy lives and wreck relationships until all concerned are whoring themselves in the gutter, far be from me to stand in your staggering way. Go for it. Have a double. Anyway, tea is my drink of choice.
      I prefer Viennese Earl Grey, but I also enjoy orange pekoe (which isn't actually a brand, but a type of tea -- never mind). For a fried chicken church dinner, I think Lipton (unsweetened) is excellent, although I know tea connoisseurs have just started fluttering their white hankies to fan their shocked faces. I don't drink a lot of tea. I can nurse a hot, steaming cup through an entire writing session. Just a few occasional sips when I pause to read my incredible, fantastic, flowing, lyrical, wise words. Ahem.
      Anyway, my friend (?) told me that green tea was incredibly good for your body. It's loaded with antioxidants that help clear free radicals out of your body. I do think this is true. I can see free radicals leaving as fast as possible. After all, if you were willing to drink green tea, who knows what other crap you might pour down your body? Free radicals ain't stupid.
      I had my doubts since it really didn't look like tea, but I heated my water and then placed the tea ball in there to seep. Yes, I said tea ball. I don't know who thought of the idea of placing tea in gauze, but to me, those packets always look like something you're afraid the doctor left in you after surgery, particularly after they plump up with water. I know a few purists who insist that even using a tea ball is wrong. They think that the tea should just be placed loose into a bone china teapot filled with hot water and allowed to gradually settle to the bottom while they discuss Royal Family and why marrying close cousins really is a capital idea.
      Right now the green tea lovers are hopping up and down and dying to tell me that I need to try their brand because it's delicious. I say to them now: You're all lying weasels. Because I tried several brands. See, I'm not very bright so when the first one was bad, I thought, "Huh, maybe it went bad," so I bought another brand. It was worse so then I thought maybe the stocks in that store were bad so I tried a couple different brands from another store. And then I grabbed another brand at another store. Right now in my kitchen I have five opened boxes of green tea. I hope they won't be toxic in the landfill.
      Truthfully, part of the problem is that they call it "tea." Your mouth thinks it's going to get tea and instead it gets alfalfa juice. That's the problem with soy milk. People expect the taste of milk. They should call it "soy drink" or "soy liquid" or "soy spit." Then no one would be disappointed by taste expectations.
      Anyway, I tried it with honey, then with sugar, then cut with real tea and then other options. Eventually I was drinking a beverage made of real tea, a pound of sugar, cream, half a cup of honey, 1/3 cup of raspberry juice and a teaspoon of green tea. And I could still taste the green tea. You could put a drop in paint thinner, and it would flavor the whole can.
      So that's my adventure with green tea. But all is not lost. It turns out that strawberries contain tons of antioxidants, and I like strawberries. But not in my tea. The only thing that belongs in tea is a cube of sugar and a spoon. You can quote me.