I had one of those days today. One of those that make you doubt your life and your choices and pretty much every decision you ever made. Do you have days like that?
I look back -- never a wise thing to do -- and see all my choices and where they led, and I think, this wasn't what I intended. This wasn't the plan.
Hindsight is perfect, of course, and now it seems plain that Decision A led to Decision B and B to C, but back then, I know it wasn't clear. Or it was misleading, making me think A would eventually lead somewhere else. Sometimes at night, I lie awake and stare at the ceiling, listening to the noises my old house makes, and play what-if and if-only and I-should-have.
Ah, well, that's the price of being human. Of having our vision trapped in the present and past, straining for glimpses of the ever-shifting future, drinking from regret until we can tolerate the taste, nursing flickering hope from the harsh winds. That's us, walking slowly on the ocean, looking to the ships on the horizon.
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
Now we're back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a joke
We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
- Walk on the Ocean by Toad the Wet Sprocket from their CD Fear.
10 comments:
All the time, Tech, all the time. It will be better today. Or tomorrow. I'm thinking of you.
It's human nature to question and maybe even to regret a little. But worrrying the past too much just leads to madness. Make the most of the present and do your best to build a good tomorrow. That's all you can do except remind yourself that you made the best decision with the information you had at the time. :)
Linda
Self-doubt can cripple us. I try to remember all my friends and the good times I have enjoyed. There's still alot of life in front of me. Some of your decisions have to be right, Tech, because they took you to here to blog. Tho I've not met you outside the net, I know you from your writing. Your blog means alot to me. Hey, you even got me to think about God. That's almost a miracle right there. :)
Slim has a point, Tech. What you did led to what you are now. I think you're awesome in every sense of that word. I enjoy this blog immensely. I'm glad you DECIDED to share it with us. :)
Tech, I spend large chunks of my life living in that darkness of looking back. And I can see with such clarity the one season of decision that took me completely off the track I thought my life would take. The adventure on the side track has been wild and unbelievable at times but I feel like I've finally hooked back up with the original path.
I am hoping that that adventure makes me a little more wise about the decisions I make now. I'm not sure, though. I'm standing at a major crossroads in my life right now, and I can sense those warning signs around me. Caution! Caution! But what are the warnings saying? Stay put? Proceed with eyes open? Take a leap of faith?
Times like this I wish I had the director's cut of the CD version of my life so I could fast-forward and see the alternate endings...
All I can do, though, is take the lessons from the roller-coaster ride thus far and hope they have some bearing on this season.
That's where our faith is such a comfort. We know at the end of our journey, God is waiting for us with open arms. It makes hard things down here easier to bear.
All these folk do have good advice don't they?
(Yeah Slim...keep on thinking about it ;)
I have my nights that are like that too. Sometimes I feel so in the past that even the emotion I felt then, bubbles back up to the top. But I too, go back over and realize that I really like what I am now, versus what I was then or how it all could have gone. Yes..I could have been much worse. :P
I still believe that everything has reason, and in His time, it will be revealed.
I made peace with my past a long time ago, but thinking about the future nearly paralyzes me sometimes. I think that's why I'm such a nut about making lists -- it's my way of trying to have some control over it. Your blog today reminded me of one of my very favorite poems...
"Sea-Fever"
I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.
I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.
I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.
By John Masefield (1878-1967).
(English Poet Laureate, 1930-1967.)
That is a beautiful poem, Crystal. Thank you for sharing it.
Sexierixie, I think TTWS is too deep in many ways for the general public.
Gloria, as always, I appreciate your inisights.
Mama Rose, you're wise and wonderful. I'm glad we've stayed in touch through our blogs.
True, FF, but at least A and maybe B were a lot of fun at the time!
Slim, that's one of the nicest compliments anyone has ever given me about this blog. Thank you.
Gloria and Susan, thank you for your support.
Trixie, I'm rooting for you all the way to the end of the ride.
CJ, faith is important. I need to remember that.
And Michelle, you always know the right thing to say. "I still believe that everything has reason, and in His time, it will be revealed." How do you do that?
Thanks everyone.
Join the crowd. It's the human condition.
It sucks :(
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