Amazing discovery!

      I've been gone, but I'm back. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. But right now I want to tell of an exciting discovery that I made recently. Here's what led up to it.
      "Don't you think kissing is funny?" asked Helen as she sat down beside me at the coffee shop.
      "Who have you been talking to?" I asked sharply. "Was it Linda?"
      "Don't be paranoid," Helen said. "I haven't been talking to anyone. And I can't talk to Linda. I can't; her lips are still swelled. Exactly how did you --"
      "Never mind," I interrupted hastily.
      "Anyway, what I meant was, what exactly is a kiss?"
      "Two humans placing their lips in extremely close proximity and tradin' spit," I answered.
      "I know what a kiss is," Helen said. "What I'm trying to ask, is how much of a commitment is it? Is it just a friendly way to say good night or it is an invitation to elope to Brazil?"
      "I think it depends on how much spit is exchanged," I said. "Was it over a pint?"
      "Get real."
      "Okay, what brought this on?"
      "Well, I met this perfect guy the other day," she said.
      "Perfect?"
      "When he wears a white shirt, it's still white at the end of the day," she answered.
      I winced at this. Whenever I wear white, you can tell by the stains what I've eaten, where I've been and sometimes who I've been with. Mulling this over, I groaned inwardly. My stomach growled back while my liver hissed. Startled by this internal exchange of noises, I looked up to see Helen regarding me with an odd smile playing about her lips.
      "Go on," I prompted.
      "I will as soon as I drive this odd smile off," she answered, waving her hand and shooing it away. "There, it's gone. I went out with this perfect guy and kissed him just twice when suddenly he started being a quarterback, throwing passes and trying for touchdowns, while I was only interested in friendly first-downs."
      "So? He was a creep. Forget him," I suggested.
      "Yeah, he was a creep, but I wonder if I led him on," she answered. "Now, I'm not blaming me for his behavior; it was his fault, but maybe my kiss made him think I was more interested than I was."
      "I really can't evaluate your kiss without experiencing it," I said hopefully.
      "I wasn't asking you to."
      "Oh, but if you ever need me to --"
      "I won't," Helen said. "The other thing I wonder about is if I was worth the money."
      "This date is beginning to sound more interesting all the time," I said.
      "Grow up," she said. "What I mean is all the money he spent on the date. He took me to see a movie and then to a nice restaurant. And we went dancing after that. I figure he spent -- as a very crude estimate -- $94.73. Was I worth $94.73? You know, it puts pressure on a girl."
      "Pressure? To do what?"
      Helen looked at me.
      "Oh, that."
      "Yeah, that," she said. "I'll tell you one thing. Going Dutch might not be a bad idea," she said. "Well, see you later."
      Helen left, leaving me first to wonder why she wanted to date someone from Holland, but then to realize with dawning excitement that I wasn't cheap as some women have said. When I took them for hamburgers and fries, I was actually respecting their rights by not pressuring them. Truly, respecting women is the right thing to do. And saves you money, too.