Why it happens, I don't know. How some people end up empty. What causes that huge hole in their souls. When need is all they've learned. And they need all the time.
When they look at me with that hunger in their eyes, I just want to pound the earth. How many times am I expected to give, to bite my tongue, to bury my anger, to suffer quietly and pat their shoulders? Where is the point that I finally break and start dealing out what I've been dealt? Why do I have to be the good guy all the time?
I know this entry doesn't make any sense, particularly since it doesn't apply to anyone who reads this blog. Tomorrow I will make sense. Promise. I'm just frustrated tonight and overloaded. Tonight I dined on bitterness and regret, and the meal isn't sitting easy. Ignore me. I'm a whiney hiney. A good night's sleep, and I will be ready to jump back into the fray. I'm the original bump-n-go boy, remember?
And let me answer my own question before I go: I try to be the good guy because I choose to try. Because darkness is too easy. Because I want to stand for something more however outdated and dumb that is. Because it's a losing battle, but someone has to fight it. It might as well be me. But my lord sometimes ... sometimes I'd like to walk away and disappear over a far hill. I don't think I'd look back.
4 comments:
I think the hunger you're talking about is spiritual, and only the Spirit can fill it.
I'm glad there are men in the world who still choose to be the good guys. Not all of us women are attracted to the bad boys. A lot of us like the courage, faith, and love of the good boys. The good boys might not have as many movies or TV shows made about them as do the bad boys, but they're the ones who keep our society going and protect the weak and the innocent. God bless the good boys!
Sounds like you may be giving too much of yourself without refilling. That, or you've encountered what is known as a "psychic vampire": a person who seems to always be in need, choose to be in need, and latch on to folks (like yourself) who'll satisfy them. With those folks, don't spare the rod and walk away.
Course, the person may genuinely be in need. How to tell the difference? What's the prayer? "Lord, grant me the wisdom to know the difference."?
Vampire is a good analogy. I wonder what the stake is in this case.
Some people won't grow up. They need their whole life. There is a lady in my church who is like that. I shouldn't judge her, but I find myself biting my tongue when she launches into yet another reason that we should feel pity for her. Yet she is healthy, has a good job, has a nice home, and enjoys many other things that others do not. She can't appreciate the blessings she has. It would be sad except that it's so annoying.
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