A few shots at the winged wonder

By Stephen B. Bagley

Ordinarily at this time of year, I make a few disparaging remarks about Valentine’s Day, or Passover as I call in my house, but never within earshot of any of my Jewish friends as they do get the joke, but they don’t think it’s funny, and I hate it when they get all Samson on me.

But this year, I’ve decided to direct our attention to that clothing-challenged archer who wings around shooting people with arrows to make them fall in love with people guaranteed to ruin their lives. I just don’t understand Cupid.

Oh sure, I get the metaphor that love is like a sharp weapon that pierces your spleen and makes you hemorrhage to death while your loved one runs off with your best friend, but beyond the obvious, what’s up with him?

Well, actually he’s up in the air because he has little tiny wings on his back. That’s fine, I guess, but he really needs to put some clothes on. He flies around more naked than the birds who at least have feathers. He has nothing to protect him from the elements. (People thought that the mythmakers were saying Cupid carried a quiver, but actually they were saying he shivered. )

Supposedly, Cupid was the son of Venus (Goddess of Love) and Mars (God of Candy Bars). It wasn’t until he was in Middle School that he learned his parents were mythical and didn’t exist. The other school children used to mock him by saying, “Who’s your daddy? And mama?” At this point, he took up the bow and arrow, but the school counselor disarmed him and sent him to military school where he was ignored because no one wants to look at a naked person all the time.

Not that his life was all bitter aloneness. In fact, while carrying out one of his mother’s bizarre revenge schemes — Venus had depths of crazy that even my girlfriends don’t have — he met and stalked a beautiful woman by the name of Psyche, who was a soul sister. (That’s a clever joke because Psyche is Greek for “soul.” Get it? Ha ha.)

Cupid and Psyche had their problems, of course, as any couple does when the man likes to soar around naked shooting people, but eventually they did marry and had a daughter whom they named Voluptas for no good reason. (They also called her Hedone, which doesn’t seem any better. I can see Psyche standing on the celestial porch hollering, “Voluptas Hedone, you get back in this house right now!”) She hated her parents, mostly because her father’s lack of modesty meant she could never have sleepovers at her house. She left home at an early age and had a wanton life, but no more so than any pop star or Congressman.

Mercifully, Psyche faded from history (or mythistory) at that point. Cupid, however, showed up a few more times, but marriage had changed him. He now carried two set of arrows, one gold-tipped set that brought love, and another lead-tipped set that brought hate. Some scholars think this is a pointed commentary on marriage. Other scholars wonder why we’re talking about this and think we should get a real job. The other scholars are often grumpy.

Anyway, I want you to think about all this when you get a card with Cupid on it. If you do and then find your Valentine’s Day is a bit less happy, then my job is finished. 

Copyright 2012 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. No copying without prior express written permission. Excerpted from Return of the Floozy. Thank you for reading.

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