Lizard Cowboy

A frustrating evening. Enough said about that.

I wish I wasn't so angry about things. I go around struggling with the urge to scream. And even if I screamed until my throat bled, I couldn't get all the anger out. So I control it. There is no letting go.

I'm a controlled person. Always have been. There's always been two people in me. The one I let the world see and the other one whom I keep hidden. All those ugly things I never share. Those dark thoughts that surprise me with their strength and longing. But that darkness is nothing new. We all have it. We all control it. There is no letting go.

Of course, some people do let go. They abicate their responibility to humanity.Some people give themselves over to their beasts. We see them or their endings on the news. Beasts are dangerous. They kill innocents. They have to be controlled. Or killed. There is no letting them go free.

Not that I have the urge to harm innocents. In fact, I suspect the darkness within me is not so terrible compared to the madmen who have ravaged this world at times. But all things are relative to the one experiencing them. It seems terrible enough to me, and there is no letting go.

Some people call that dark part of us -- the selfish, ugly, mean creature -- the lizard brain. They say it's left over from our ancestors who crawled up from primeval swamps. The lizard brain cares only for its survival and comfort. It would cheat on its spouse for pleasure, steal food from children for its hunger, and burn the bodies of its friends for warmth. Civilization would burn to ashes if we let the lizard roam unfettered.

So we harness the lizard. We throw a saddle on and ride those suckers. Modern day cowboys going the time on our reptilian natures. If we want to be good decent people, we hold the reins. And we don't let go.

Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.

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