I keep coming back to belief. I think belief determines success in life more than any other factor. Belief in God. Belief in yourself. Belief in your dreams. Belief in love. Belief in other people. I'm not sure how many of those I hold anymore.
Belief in God, yes. That's easy. And that's the most important one. What is our brief time down here compared to eternity? However, our time, brief as it may be, is here now, and dealing with the now is always the problem.
Belief in yourself, I don't know. I'm failed so many times that sometimes I wonder if it's become a habit. I know failure well so it's easy to do, easy to explain away but hard to live with. I think it's why people turn to drinks and drugs. Anything to dull that voice in their heads.
Belief in my dreams, no. I've been letting dreams go over the past few years. I'm middle-aged now. Certain things are simply not going to take place. There's everything in the world, but enough time. Is this wisdom? To learn to love what you have instead of always reaching for more? I don't know, but I do know my heart is tired of trying to fly. There's a lot to seen on the ground, too.
Belief in love, no. How could I after all my failed relationships? I've never been loved or wanted as much as I loved and wanted. I've have several people tell me that they feel the same way, many of them married for years. We can't get the love we want so we make do with the love we can get. It's not such a terrible thing as long as you can live with it.
Belief in other people, the answer in that lies above. People fail us. People will always fail us. It comes with being human. And the only wisdom that applies is forgiving them for their failures so that they will forgive us for our failures.
These wisdoms are not despair. They're realistic. They're reality as opposed to hopeless dreams. Perhaps if we start on the ground, we could build something that would reach to the sky. Maybe small dreams can grow. I don't know. We endure. And endurance carries its own honor and worth.
I'll tell you this: there's nothing I wouldn't give to have someone wholeheartedly believe in me once more.
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1 comment:
Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Sounds suspsciously like a mid-life crisis. If you're going to throw all your things into the back of a convertible and head off for Key West, please stop by here on the way and take me with you!
Seriously, though, it's not who you are that's holding you back, if you're even being held back. You know you're funny, a great writer, a better friend than I deserve, and smarter than anyone I know. I think what's holding you down is who you think you're not. I wish I knew how to convince you of what a great guy you are and how to get you to like yourself more.
No one's life turns out just like they thought it would, but that doesn't mean it's not a good life. And there are so many conditions of happiness available in the right here and now. You don't have to run to the future to find them. Don't sacrifice the present for the future or by getting stuck in the past. The present is all we really have and we need to make the most of it.
I like what Ralph Waldo Emerson said..."What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
I also like this quote by him..."All that Adam had, all that Caesar could, you have and can do.... Build, therefore, your own world."
And, whenever you're ready, we can still go to the Keys. I'll brush up on my bartending skills and you can write about our adventures.
Love you, Gail
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