Joke 1: As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Joke 2: A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato turns and yells at her, "Ketchup!"
Joke 3: A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer said to the husband, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"
"No," the farmer replied. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Joke 4: A clergyman is walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Joke 5: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Joke 6: St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know," Satan answered unperturbed. "But we've got all the umpires."
Joke 7:An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appears before her. The Devil tells the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
Joke 8:After the Great Flood was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark, he told the animals, "Go forth and multiply."
All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark.
"Why aren't you going forth and multiplying?" asked Noah.
"We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."
Joke 9: Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy said. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
Joke 10:A herd of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and knocks all the cows over, but the bulls just stand there.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through, and all of the cows are knocked to the ground again, but the bulls just stand there.
The cows get back up.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls don't move.
Finally, one of the cows asks one of the bulls, "How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
***
Talk to you tomorrow!
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