Godzilla thighs

      Not much medical adventure today. An ultrasound at the hospital given by woman who graduated from the Hitler school of charm. I'll get results over the next few days. Now for something completely different.

      I am huge, and something has to be done. Maybe something involving the same people that recently helped capture a rampaging hippo that was eating entire fields of grain. Don't argue with me. We're talking monstrously large. My thighs alone are Godzilla-like and could rage around Tokyo, knocking over buildings and eating tons of sweet-and-sour chicken and an occasional slow-moving Japanese.
      One would think that with all the stomach problems I have had over the past year or so, I would have lost some weight. I have, but frankly, illness as a weight loss plan is never going to be popular (except with super models who deliberately seek that Death March look). Also, I seem to have reached a stable weight, stable in the sense that I am not losing below it and not in the sense of being steady as I jiggle quite a bit. (Jiggling, by the way, only looks good on Santa Claus and Dolly Parton. On me, it looks like a whale having a nervous fit. All I need is a peg-legged harpoon-armed madman shouting, "Avast ye, behemoth!")
      Before I started Weight Watchers, I turned to my old friend and nemesis: Thin-Quick. If you are unfamiliar with the product, Thin-Quick is one of those diet drinks filled with all the protein, nutrients and minerals you would need to build a '56 Chevy, not including the driver-side mirror. It's a thick shake-like liquid that your spoon will stand up in, until it's slowly pulled to the bottom, looking frantically around for a life-saving branch. About 15 years ago, I lost 45 pounds on Thin-Quick. It works, but a problem arose.
      The liquid base of Thin-Quick is skim milk, and due to my stomach problems (my stomach isn't finicky; it's downright surly) I have to avoid milk, although it's okay to date cows as long as we don't get serious and exchange rings. Luckily, Thin-Quick comes in juice flavors that have no milk in them so there is no coating between your defenseless tastebuds and its sheer unadulterated wholesome goodness. Whee.
      The Thin-Quick with orange-pineapple flavor is the best of the flavors I have tasted so far. The grape-orange-kiwi is okay. The orange-strawberry-banana would gag a garbage disposal. The makers of the juice Thin-Quick put orange in everything. Probably for the vitamin C or perhaps they own a thousand groves or maybe they just like the color. It could be that they think it overpowers the taste of everything else in there. (That would explain the orange-motor oil flavor.) The orange taste is strong enough to reach across the table and slap you silly.
      One of the things I liked about Thin-Quick is that you can drink your lunch, and that doesn't take much time, compared to my regular noon meal of a turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, rack of lamb, side of beef and a small dinner salad. You barely get the food on the table before it's time to go back to work. (I had an acquaintance who also drank his lunch every day, but I haven't seen him since they put him in rehab. He was not drinking Thin-Quick.)
      Another thing I liked about it is that it cuts down on food bills. You drink a Thin-Quick and the recommended glass of water, then you are done eating for a while. It's filling in a blimp sort of way. So you don't need to buy as much food.
      Now, Thin-Quick is not a miracle worker. It just helps curb a person’s appetite. If you are thinking of using it or a diet drink like it, here are a few tips.
      1) Do not drink Thin-Quick as an accompaniment to a meal. You wouldn't think people would do that, but they do. Thin-Quick is a meal, not a beverage to gulp as you enjoy fried chicken.
      2) Buy the large carton. You will be drinking it at least two times a day. The cans pile up. They are recyclable so there is a pleasing sense of environmental activism when all you are really doing is trying to lose weight.
      3) Exercise some. You have to. Sorry.
      Now Weight Watchers is working for me, and I will eventually break this plateau of weight loss, but Thin-Quick has a lot to recommend it.
      Just not its taste ... unless you like orange.