I'm having a bad week. First, the IBD has flared, and I'm having to work to keep it under control. Second, the whole bustle and busyness of the holiday season is always a drag. Too much to do and not enough time despite how I planned. Third, I apparently fractured my foot yesterday. I stepped wrong, went down a couple of steps, caught myself with this foot on a concrete step. Ouch. Truthfully it didn't actually hurt that much at the time. I was more embarrassed about falling. However, it has since risen in my attention. It's swollen and unhappy and turns out, according to my M.D., to be a stress fracture. Not that they can do much, other than give me pain pills and tell me to keep off of it.
Fortunately, I have most of my Christmas shopping done. I just lack two people. I intended to finish today, but I will have to wait, it looks like. But it's okay.
The IBD flare will subside. They always do. I'm watching what I eat and trying to spend at least 30 minutes in "quiet time" daily. I'm not getting enough rest yet, but I'll keep working on that.
As for the busyness of Christmas, that's part of its fun. The whole harried thing has to be embraced. It's like riding a roller coaster. There might be places that make you uncomfortable, but if you throw yourself into it, you'll be okay.
At its rock core, Christmas has tremendous power. It's near the longest night and shortest day, the time when darkness holds sway longer and light gives way, then the year continues and light waxes daily. The changing of the year follows. It carries both regret and joy.
For many, Christmas is a hard time. One of my friend's mothers died on Christmas Day. She's never got over that, despite efforts to do so. I myself find melancholy pressing on me, more now that both my father and mother have passed on. I 'm at a loose end, not really belonging anywhere. Oh, my sibs make me welcome; don't take this as a reflection on them or my many friends who would willingly open their homes to me. But it's not the same. Somehow I never feel like I get to go home.
There's an old song that goes: "They say that heaven's pretty, and living here is, too. But if I had to choose between the two, I'm going home. I'm going home. Where I belong." It's that belonging that's missing. It's the longing for the place that I had when I was young. But we grow up. We find other joys. And perhaps this regret and wisdom help us to be better people.
Occasionally my religious friends will get into a discussion about Heaven and the afterlife. They have many theories, few of which involve streets of gold. But for me, it will be going to a place when we all finally belong.
9 comments:
Ah yes, the need to belong and a place to belong in. That's exactly what it is I'm missing and still mourning myself. Thank you for putting words to it for me. That's been my missing puzzle piece, trying to find what it was that was leaving a hole in my life still. It's belonging.
Whoops, I hit the button a moment to quickly. I wanted to wish you a quick recovery from the IBD flare and your foot fracture. Man, two things at one time is too much! Maybe this will help you get the rest you need, whether you like it or not. And I wish you peace as we wait for the Light.
Dude. This reminds me of a great old song. It takes some trouble, but go here:
ht tp://members.tripod.com/~rosemck1/southern-gospel.html, use the Find function to locate "Buelah Land," then decide whether to listen or download it. I love this song. If you can figure out how to post the link, without linking directly as the site requests, I'd do it. ... Dang, ER's nose is still runnin' from givin' it a listen.
Tech, sorry to hear about your misfortunes. Stay at home and rest. I wish I could give you some advise on how to get through the holidays, but I can't. I could tell you all the same stuff I am sure you have heard a hundred times, but why. So all I will tell you is let your senses take over this holiday season and see what happens.
Back. Will read the posts in sequence and comment shortly.
Sorry you're having a bad time sweetie. We love you down here, you know!!! You are always welcome with us!!!
-Susan1
Tech, you've put your finger on exactly the problem I face at holidays: belonging. When my husband and daughter were alive, even when we traveled, we always knew we would go "home" after the trip. Now it doesn't seem like home to me. The memories here are precious, but I miss belonging to them. I now travel to my sister's or one of my cousins' home each holiday. It's nice and I appreciate them, but it's not the same. I think Heaven will be the place, as you put it, where we all finally belong.
Sorry about the foot. Sympathy and fast healing vibes sent your way.
Hey Tech, I found a computer moment on my holidays and headed straight for your blog. You sure 'belong' in blogland and even though it might seem a bit distant when others are sharing real time with real people they care about, hey, for all us strays, it's an important home. You are family to so many of us and we share closer thoughts and more frequent contact than most families. Wishing you a serene Christmas and a successful 2005.
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