Wistfully

It would be so easy to make decisions if we knew the outcome. We can evaluate the pros and cons. We can ask advice and opinions. We can and should pray and meditate. We can even flip coins or consult our dubious horoscopes. But we can't be sure of the outcome, no matter how carefully we've considered the ramifications.

And we don't get do-overs. Several years back I drove a woman away from me. I can give you a thousand reasons why that was the right thing to do -- age difference, life difference, etc. -- but it doesn't change the fact I was wrong. Now I look back and see clearly that I was wrong, that I should have leaped instead of hesitating, that I should have taken the chance -- but it's too late now. That moment passed. I don't love her anymore, particularly because of what happened in the aftermath of my stupid decision -- we did our best to ruin each other -- and she certainly doesn't love me. But I do regret how things turned out and think wistfully how nice it would have been if on that terrible night I had said and done the right thing.

Or maybe not. Perhaps we would have torn each other apart. Certainly we had enough willpower between us to light New York City and Vegas if willpower could do that. So perhaps it's for the best. Who knows? I don't.

We really do stumble around in the dark, you know. We hold such terrible power over the people we love, and we wield it so lightly, so irresponsibly. I think sometimes we get the life we deserve.

I also think we deserve better. Have a good night and a great Thursday.

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