A Saturday in August

      Meant to post yesterday, but I didn't account for that fact that Mikey has discovered computer games in a major way. He's been playing on the computer almost all weekend. Except when we're painting or playing with his ninja turtle figures or his pirate board game or his load-n-soak water guns or his double maze book or his Spiderman sticker book. Whew. It's been a while since he's been here, and he needs my attention constantly.
      He sure has grown. It seems like just a few months ago that he had to have a step stool to reach the sink in the bathroom to wash his hands. Now he can reach it by himself. Admittedly he has to strain to reach the faucets, but he can turn them on and off now.
      Right now he and his papa have gone to Walmart to pick up a few things -- and buy him a toy, of course. A young man of six can never have enough toys. Just ask Mikey if you don't believe me.
      He starts school week after next. He got some school supplies, and he's very excited about them. Glue and safety scissors, crayons and colored pencils, notebooks and paper. My little man will be cool kid on campus soon. He's growing up. I can't describe how happy I am to see that he is happy and embracing life eagerly. I can't describe how sad I am that he's growing up. Wow, it goes so fast. People say that it does, but until you experience it, you don't realize how time can speed up until the days blur. I wouldn't hold him back for nothing in the world, but how I wish I had more time with him. But this is how it is, and I'm not going to let mourning for the time unshared mar the time shared.
      The only thing that has marred this weekend is that my IBD has flared. I've been having problems for most of the week, but I had hoped that I had avoided a major flare. So far, it's just a minor one. I hope it stays at that level. I've had several flare-free months, so I guess it was about time for one. And the situation at work hasn't helped much; it's been particularly tense down there.
      I've been wondering how one creates the life they want. I have this vision of how I'd like to live -- nothing too fancy, but better than what I have now -- and I can't see how to get there. I can't build a bridge to my castle in the air. And the sad part is that it's not a particularly outlandish castle. I don't think I'd enjoy being rich and famous. It seems to bring a lot of misery with it. But I would like a larger home -- a second bathroom and a study and a backyard large enough to accommodate a pool, be it inground or one of those Walmart specials. I'd like to own a car, once again nothing too fancy, but reliable. I'd like health insurance and some retirement funds although I've adjusted to the fact I'm going to be one of those Walmart greeters when I'm in my 70's. Truthfully I don't want more than most of the people I know who are trying to make ends meet and discovering that the ends are getting further away.
      Not that I'm sitting still waiting for that better life to just happen. Murder by Dewey Decimal is part of that dream. No, it's not making me any money, but I have this plan of it building an audience for Murder by the Acre and both MBDD and MBTA building an decent audience for the third one, be it Murder by the Mile or Murder by Intermission. And maybe the third or the fourth will accomplish my goal of attracting an agent or a publisher. Or maybe Darkness, Oklahoma or Dragons Gather will.
      A lot of maybes there. Sometimes the maybes threaten to smother me. Does anyone else feel this way? I turn my face away from them and keep moving. The trick is to keep breathing.
      Over on her site, Holly Lisle has been considering starting her own publishing company. An exciting idea and lots of people have been giving their support. I've mostly been silent. Not because I don't think it's great idea or that she wouldn't be a good publisher -- because it is a good idea and she would be a good publisher -- but because she'd be gambling with her money, her time, her life. No matter how well someone plans, things happen. Through no fault of her own, the publishing venture could go down and take her finances with it. She has to choose it freely without being pressured or misled by overly-enthusiastic supporters. If it's her dream and she wants it, then it's worth pursuing even if it fails, but if it's not truly her dream, then she needs to choose something else. We have everything but time in this world. The time she would give to publishing would be taken from something else. That's the devil's bargain.
      And how we spend our time is how our life will be. Every decision is a choice to not do something else. And since we can't see the future, each choice brings unintended consequences, good or ill. We blunder around, making choices as best we can, but never knowing if the choice was good until too late to change.
      Some people live charmed lives, I've noticed. They're born into moneyed families and marry the right people and have the good children and live long and happy. Other people with the same advantages seeming make the same decisions, but their lives end in terrible ruins. What's the difference between the two?
      I don't know. I'm just wondering and wandering around, waiting for the fireball to return. I do know this: Mikey is a blessing, and I'm grateful he's in my life. And even if my plans for Bernard, Lisa, and the chief never come together as I hope, I have still enjoyed writing about them. To enjoy the journey is as important as reaching the destination. It has to be.
      Enough profundity if it is even that. I hope you had a good day today and have a good day tomorrow. Good night.
 
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