A Valentine Primer

      It's the day before Valentine's Day. If you're a guy, you're probably saying, "What? Valentine's Day is tomorrow?!" Yes, you moron, despite all those ads on TV -- even on Spike TV -- you've once again let the high holy holiday of romantic blackmail and relentless marketing slip up on you.
      Now, calm down. I'm here to help you, even though I myself have no one badgering me for goodies this year because my girlfriend chewed through the duct tape and escaped. Just remember this helpful phrase: Cats Can't Fly. Immediately you're thinking that maybe if they had bottle rockets tied to them, they might be able to, but don't go there. Trust me, it isn't pretty. No, we remember that phrase: Cats Can't Fly because the capital letters will remind you to buy: Card, Candy, Flowers. That's it. That's all you need to do to keep your love cupcake happy.
      Yes, I see the sweat beading on your forehead. I see your reddened face. I see your body tremble. You're either having a heart attack or you're thinking about actually going into a shop and buying those things. Calm down. Let's make our phrase just a bit bigger. Cats Can't Fly High. The 'H' will remind you to simply go to your local Hallmark store. There you can purchase a card and candy along with a thousand other items whose sole purpose seems to be look cute and collect dust.
      Hallmark loves Valentine's Day with a passion that's frankly unseemly. When you walk into their stores, you smell nice scents, hear romantic music and confront 1,548,302,743 cards from which you must select the totally correct one. Listen, that's a lie. Walk toward the Valentine's cards. Stop in front of the rack. Make sure you're in the proper section for your particular love (Wife, Girlfriend, Garage Mechanic, Ex-girlfriend You're Stalking, Emu, etc). Close your eyes and stick your hand. The first one your hand touches is the right one. Pick it up.
      Next, head for their candy section. You can identify it by the stacks of hundreds of red boxes that are not shaped like a human heart but are called heart-shaped nonetheless. Don't pause. Find a medium-sized box. Pick it up and take it with you. Do not pause. Go directly to the counter. Pay for it. Snarl if they attempt to sell you anything else, and they will.
      There, you're outside now. Take a deep breath. Sit down and put your head between your knees if you feel sick. This will make you feel worse. I don't know why they have you do that except you do look funny and other people laugh at you, thus easing their heavy burdens.
      Okay, now drive to a florist. This one is going to be tricky, but just remember these words: "bud vase." Enter the store. Walk to the counter. Say, "I need a bud vase." Now, the florists will attempt to get to you buy something else. They will say something like, "Well, sure, you can have a bud vase, but if you really want to show your love, doesn't she deserve more? Because you can bet that your neighbor is watching her and he thinks she deserves more and even now they're planning to run away together to the islands and leave you a lonely, broken man doomed to spend your drunken life alone and to die in a rest home, unloved and unsung, but you can stop all of this if you'd just give her two dozen roses that only cost as much as the gross national product of Bolivia, but isn't she worth it?! What is wrong with you? GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD NOW!"
      Don't let that happen. Use force if you must, but get that bud vase. Leave the store. Take another deep breath. (From this point on, I'm going to assume that you can breathe on your own.) There. You're ready for Valentine's Day. It wasn't that bad, say compared to a root canal or a complete physical exam.
      If you follow this, you will impress the living daylights out of her. For a day or so. If you'd like for her good feelings toward you to last a week, take her out to dinner, maybe dancing, and then give her a nice back massage without expecting anything -- and I do mean ANYTHING -- in return.
      Admittedly, this is a beginner's course on Valentine's Day. I'm sure you can probably think about it and devise something better for your love muffin. A few important points to remember as you do so:
      1. Lingerie is not a gift for her. It's a gift that will benefit you. Don't be misled. And if you make the mistake of getting it too large, you are a dead man.
      2. It's a rare woman who likes tools or appliances for Valentine's Day. Should you have one of those paragons, you'd better make sure you keep her. She's worth her weight in screwdrivers and multi-tools.
      3. It's never right to give them nothing, even though they say they don’t want anything. That is a trap that has broken many a proud man. Don't fall for it.
      4. A boat hitch is not an appropriate gift, and it will look bad on you in divorce court.
      5. Don't bankrupt yourself buying diamond jewelry. Yes, I know a diamond is forever, but let's be honest, a marriage usually just lasts twenty to forty years, six hours if married in Vegas. Why put that diamond pressure on your relationship? (Note: This doesn't apply to Mormons as they have eternal marriage. This means they need to be extra careful in choosing a mate because they don't have the escape of death.)
      6. Remember that Valentine's is an escalating holiday. Next year you will have to top what you did this year. One year Bill Gates gave his wife a $2.7 million dollar necklace. The next year he was forced to buy her several states, including Rhode Island, as a gift. Learn from his mistake. Keep it simple.
      7. Most of all, remember that women deserve the loving attention. After all, they put up with us. And, buddy, that ain't no easy life.