Math and other useless things

      "Why the long face, sunshine?" I asked my wonderful and clever niece (Can you tell I'm a doting uncle?) as I wandered by the kitchen table on my way to the wonderful and food-filled refrigerator (Can you tell I need to lose weight?).
      "I'm studying for my math test," she said, a frown only slightly marring her perfect 10-year-old features. "Would you help me?"
      "Certainly, oh wondrous child," I said. "First, does your teacher have any children? And does she love them enough to give you a good grade if, for instance, they turned up missing and she received a ransom note demanding just that?"
      My niece looked at me sadly. "Mama told me that you were a math moron, but I didn't believe it."
      "And well you shouldn't," I said. "Ask her the last time her checkbook balanced. Here, watch this." I placed my checkbook on my thumb and balanced it, but when I looked up, my niece had left the room, apparently looking for someone who doesn't think sign and cosign are the math equivalent of Mr. and Mrs.
      I have never been math-minded. All those numbers simply confuse the issue as far as I'm concerned. I have never done my own taxes and do not intend to start. I, however, can balance my checkbook, but only because I'm dealing with low numbers and almost anyone can subtract $5 from $12.
      To be honest, I haven't used much math since high school. I can't even think of the last time someone wandered up to me at a party and said, "If person A was traveling toward person B at half the speed of B, how soon would they pass each other if they were 12 miles apart at the start and B was going at 40 miles per hour?" Actually, that has never happened, and if it ever did, I would be well within my rights to punch the asker in the mouth.
      I know I shouldn't say things like that. I should encourage young people to stay in school by telling about how what I learned helped me. And I do think everyone should stay in school and avoid the real world as much as possible. It keeps them off the streets, and they're not competing to get my job. College is a particularly nice place to avoid reality. I'd be in college now if my parents hadn't ran out of money after my tenth year.
      Truthfully, a lot of what you learn in school seems useless. Students are forced to memorize a lot of facts that their instructor thinks is important even though he may send flowers and little romantic notes to his spleen. Of course, the real importance of those facts is that you need to know them to pass his tests. You won't need them afterwards unless you end up on a game show.
      And what strange facts they are. For instance, did you know the average man's large intestine would wrap around a common light bulb approximately 18 times? I remember quite clearly when a biology instructor shared that with my class. I also remember wondering who checked and why. It may have only been an example that my instructor thought would make the subject clear to us. Still, you have to wonder if he didn't eventually turn up on America's Most Wanted.
      Another strange tidbit that has stuck with me is that the abbreviation of Tasmania is Tasm -- not that anyone ever explained who wrote enough about Tasmania to need an abbreviation. And did you know that a blatherskite is a talkative, foolish person? Or that a gnu is a large African antelope with an oxlike head? Or that a kohlrabi is a garden vegetable, similar to a cabbage? Why would I remember these things when I have trouble remembering my social security number and where I parked my car? An even more important question is why my teachers would think it was important to share those facts with me. Other than now, I've never used any of them since school.
      As for tests, surely the educational establishment can find another way to grade students, some better method to evaluate their knowledge of a subject without subjecting them to such intense pressure and discomfort. Perhaps the instructor could personally interview each student. That would allow every pupil the perfect opportunity to offer a bribe. I myself have always liked the blanket 'A' idea. (Naturally you have to be careful where you place the blanket. Otherwise, people will see and maybe call the police.)
      Still, I know my teachers tried their best. They may have been hampered by what they had to work with. I guess tests are a small price to pay for avoiding reality -- yeah, and blood is just another liquid. I also know school and college enriched and my life by providing me with exposure to masterpieces of art and literature and earthshaking theories from the sciences.
      But as for math, count me among the unnumbered.

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