I've tried to live my life without jealousy. Another person's success doesn't diminish me. The only person I'm really in competition with is me. I strive to be genuinely happy when one of my friends makes it good.
This is part of my moral code. And I do okay with it. It took practice, but now I don't see another person's success and immediately think That should have been me. This is harder for an aspiring writer than you might think. Oh, I'm okay with those excellent writers like Tad Williams, Sara Paretsky, Lois McMaster Bujold, Holly Lisle, Mercedes Lackey, Carolyn Hart, Stephen R. Donaldson, just to name a few. I read their books, and I think Okay, this is good writing. They deserve every bit of success they can get. No, I'm okay with them. It's those bad ones. It's the ones that I read that make me cringe at their ridiculous plots, terrible dialogue and endings so implausible that deux ex machina doesn't begin to cover it, and I see them on the bookshelves or even on the best-seller lists, and I wonder How did they do it? Who did they have blackmail information on? Those are hard to swallow.
And I'm okay with people making more money than me. I have several friends who have great jobs. No, they actually have careers. And sometimes I feel a twinge when they talk about their new cars, their large homes, their fantastic vacations, but for the most part, I do okay. I love them, and I want them to be happy. If I could go back twenty years, I would choose something different than my useless degree and make some money. But I can't, and looking backward is not productive. I can only go on from here.
I'm sharing all this because I'm struggling with a particular incident. As most of you know, I've had some financial difficulties over the past few years. My fault for the most part. I've only in the past year finally started to understand how to handle money. And you also know that recently I took out a loan to pay off some high interest credit card debt. The loan didn't help my monthly money crunch as basically I replaced four payments with one large payment, but it does mean that in five years, I should have that debt paid off, God willing. I'm okay with that. I put myself in this hole, and now I'm going to get myself out.
So ... I have this friend. He's a good friend, but he's had money his whole life. And I mean significant money. His parents were well-off, and now he and his wife are well-off. He has a fantastic paying job as does his wife. He swims in stocks and bonds. Beautiful house, new cars, new boat, etc. And I'm okay with that. He has a different life than me. But the other day -- and I'm ashamed to admit this -- he started talking about going on an island vacation. This vacation will cost roughly $10,000, what with the plane trip, the rental car, the resort rooms, the fishing trip, the jet skis, the meals, the overnight winery side trip, the souvenirs, the photos, the clothes, etc. Oh, he didn't brag about the money, but I could add it up. And during the conversation, he mentioned that I and a girlfriend of mine should come along. Told me that it would only cost three or four thousand if we watched our budget.
He was excited about the idea of us going along, and I know I should feel pleased that I have a friend that enjoys my company that much. But ... it also made me realize that he truly didn't understand my budget problems. He has had money so long and in such amounts that three or four thousand didn't seem like a lot of money to him. Well, it's a lot of money to me. A lot. Five thousand dollars would significantly reduce the time I'm going to spend paying off my debt. It's not hyperbole to say that an extra five thousand dollars would come close to changing my life. I swallowed my resentment, told him that maybe someday I'd do that and changed the subject.
May I rant? I know it's wrong, okay. I know I should just be happy for the blessings in his life. He's my friend. But. BUT. When someone is walking in the desert, don't be telling him about your swimming pool. It's small of me to even think it, but give me a break. I can endure my reduced situation, I can survive, I can even flourish. And I do have so many blessings that many people in this world do not have: a warm house, food on my table, clothing and so on.
So I know better, but I couldn't stop from myself from feeling angry, from feeling resentment, from wanting to cut him down to size. I'm ashamed to admit it, but there I was. It took me a few hours to get over it, but later that afternoon I called him and told him that I would print out some maps from the Internet where they were going so they'd know how to get around. He's computer illiterate and acted like I was doing something amazing. I also told him about a really good buy on a video camera I'd seen. I'm going to go Saturday and help him pick one out as he and his wife have wanted one for a while.
I don't know what this makes me. A better person wouldn't have felt envy in the first place. Or maybe someone else would have taken it as a personal challenge and redid his or her life. I don't know. I'm just rowing my boat as fast as I can, bailing out the water as much as I can and looking to the misty horizon.
9 comments:
It is a perspective issue, one of which I sympathize with you being on both ends of the spectrum.
Sounds like you're already focusing on the important things like friendship, etc., which is priceless. As for feeling a bit jealous, who doesn't? But it's how you deal with it that will count in the long run. So go ahead and rant...today. Tomorrow's a whole different day.
From one soul in the desert to another, I understand.
I look at it this way -- we are, in the greater scheme of things, all one. Atoms that blend and flow and slide away from us and come back to us. Eventually, perhaps, my atoms are going to slide and flow back from someplace rich, and with them they're going to bring enough money that we can breathe from month to month. Not there yet, but the universe is full of riches.
Hope some flow your way.
I hear you loud and clear. I remember clearly the first time I felt the sting of jealousy (it was not that long ago, actually; maybe five years ago. More jealousy over an opportunity someone else got. I was shocked by the raw emotion of it.)
Anyway, I have this odd thing going on now where I'm a little jealous over my former station in life, when I was working and making pretty good money. I think about how little I am living on today and what I would be able to do differently if I had my former income now.
It is at its worse when I go to new homes, energy efficient homes. It's a real sting to open my gas bill and know that "Well, if you hadn't quit your job you could buy a new house and have a lower gas bill."
Isn't that silly?
It helps me if I remember that I chose to do this, to take the time off and follow a spiritual journey of trusting that God would provide for every human need. I still believe that I'll find much more comfort in trusting than in chasing the dollar; however, trusting may well mean believing the right job is waiting for me.
You are handling it well. I think the most noble people are those placed into difficult situations yet they handle it with courage and dignity. In time this type of character development will stand when material goods will not.
Randall
You are an awesome friend. What wonderful things to do for your friend. And you're right; he doesn't have a clue about your situation. If he's never had to worry about where the groceries are coming from, it could be tough to see how a couple grand (yikes!) could be a problem. And you have every right to feel anger at his lack of understanding. Part of you probably felt if he were as good a friend as you thought, he would have understood your situation better. The other part of you, after calming down, realized it was just something he either couldn't or wasn't ready to understand yet, and moved on.
I've been fortunate enough to never really have been in the desert (parched, parched earth for about 10 years--though some people might dispute that, and they might be right; sometimes these things are relative). I did find my way into better conditions, and paying off debt was the key. You're on the right track. I hope your path leads you to better things.
Jean
You're all wonderful people. You helped me feel better about my failings. If I'm ever rich, count on getting to share the wealth. Since I'm not right now, just know that you're all in my prayers daily.
The lack of money-or too much of it-are both hard things to handle. I think you're doing very well with your situation. Many people couldn't handle it with as much grace as you have. And I agree with Jean: Your friend is insensitive. I think he might even have been bragging. Don't let it get you down. You have many blessings in your life.
I think you handled this very well. Sometimes we can't help what we feel, but we can always handle how we react to something and you did this very gracefully. You and your girlfriend can always find other things to do with this couple that doesn't cost thousands of dollars.
You are such a lovely person - you shouldn't expect perfection from yourself - you obviously don't from others.
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