I can't even coordinate my clothes ...

      Recently I took a trip ... a short one which ended with me flat on my back in front of the post office, listening to people ask, "What is he doing?" as if I might not have had an accident but just chose a strange place to rest.
      The story: I was at the post office, walking down the steps, looked to the side at something that caught my attention, stepped wrong and fell on the ground and then rolled over to lie on the concrete and look up at the immense sky and wonder why I was not blessed with better coordination and sharper reflexes. (This is when I fractured my foot.)
      I also wondered how long would it be before the numbness wore off and I began to feel the results of my fall. I was hoping for unconsciousness before that happened or maybe even a trip to the emergency room where they would give me pain pills and I would meet a cute unmarried nurse who would see my pitiful but brave face and fall instantly in love with my stunning blue eyes, but no such luck.
      I'm a big boy, and my falling should have happened in slow motion, like the felling of an ancient redwood that still has its leaves although it has fewer than when it was younger and now must go to a leaf stylist to get rid of that unattractive gray. Instead, I fell quick, hit hard and got up after a moment, more embarrassed by the fall than worried about the damage I might have taken. (Later of course, my foot would demand my attention, and the doctor would take my money.)
      I can walk and chew gum at the same time, but it takes concentration …chew, step, chew, step, chew, step ... and heaven forbid I encounter steps or I simply have to spit, climb and then get a new piece of gum. Depending on the terrain, a pack of gum will last about 15 minutes. When I have a real hankering for Big Red, I sit down, pull out a pack and have a nice long chew. It’s peaceful and will doubtless prepare me for my nursing home days.
      But it's not age that is sapping my coordination. I remember as a young child taking music lessons and having my teacher cover my hands with hers as she attempted to get my fingers to press the right keys at approximately the right time. After one particularly harrowing 30 minutes, my piano teacher -- sweat running down her face, hair in disarray, eyes squinting from strain -- asked my mother if my cord had got tangled while I was being born and my brain hadn't received enough oxygen.
      Not having that eye-hand link, I was dismal at sports. I could only dribble down my chin and thus was no use to the NBA. I did make a brief foray into football in the sixth grade when I suited up on a dare. The coach watched me throw, hike and kick, and then placed me on the line in front of the largest opponent out there, apparently deciding to use me as cannon fodder. This backfired on him as I have always been polite and would step aside to allow huge homicidal players past me. My team never appreciated this fine point of etiquette.
      My sports career might have ended there, except in the seventh grade, it was discovered I could run long distances and only have a small heart attack afterwards. My arms would flail, elbows would circle in strange orbits, feet were all over the place, chin would bob -- a strange uncoordinated mess that reminded onlookers of a headless chicken receiving electroshocks. But somehow speed would result. I wasn't good in short distances -- by the time I got wound up, the race was over -- but I could actually run a mile in a decent time. (This amazes me as I look back because I can't imagine running a mile now unless I was chasing an ice cream truck.)
      My school, though, didn't have much use for track since it was only used to get ready for football. Now it has track, tennis and probably space equestrian events, but back then, I was out of luck. Or perhaps not. I remember running across the pasture, from one end of our land to the other, wind whipping across my face, my body a rushing mass of motion. I felt like I was flying. Since I had enough coordination for that, I guess I should be content with the memory now.