N is for Nemesis

I have never started out to thwart anyone, to be their nemesis as it were. But I have been. More times than I care to remember. I don't know why. Not really. I know it has something to do with my hatred of bullying and bullies. I also know I have strange fondness for lost causes, for battles fought for the greater good even when the most casual observer knows the battle is lost.

It may come down to rebellion, plain and simple. I've always had a rebellious streak. Tell me I can't do something, and I'll try to do it. Tell me I shouldn't do something, and I might. Tell someone I love that they're wrong or stupid or fat or untalented, and brother, expect an apocalypse.

I'm better at defending those I love than myself. In some ways, I have a ... desire is too strong a word; let's say ... inclination to self-punishment. I'm like a lot of writers in that we can hear a thousand words of praise and one word of criticism, but that one critical word is what keeps us up at night. No matter who unfair the criticism or how unfounded, we have that self-doubting gremlin who tells us that it's our fault in some way.

I don't enjoy standing up to bullies. I've had to do it too much. My life would have been happier or at least not as unhappy if I had just gone along with the flow. If I had let the bullies in my high school pick on whoever they chose. Not that I did enough. I was always frightened because I knew there was no such thing as earning their respect, like the stupid after school specials would spout. No, all I could do was make sure they knew I was unbalanced enough to do anything to them or their car or their locker or whatever if I was backed into a corner.

Still, I took a lot of shoves, heard a lot of stupid insults, swallowed a lot of self-respect, hid too many bruises. They taught me hate and fear. And I guess in more ways than I can ever acknowledge, they made me what I am and gave me that burning fire that stares out my eyes and says, I don't think so. You see, I don't want anyone else to be taught hate and fear. Not if I can help it.

One last thing: Bullies are afraid, too. That's what makes them so dangerous. They operate out of fear and stupidity. I could draw a comparison between them and Congress, but I think you already see the similarities.

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