Now is the time ...

      I want to speak out for a right that is being threatened now. A fundamental right of all human beings that they should be allowed to pursue without government hindrance. A basic human right that we all -- white, black, Native American, Hispanic, cannibal, Martian, everyone -- should support. I'm talking about dumpster diving.
      If you're unfamiliar with dumpster diving, it's the practice of looking in a dumpster and finding and keeping perfectly good items that other people have thrown away, i.e. lamps, furniture, Rush Limbaugh's morals, Michael Moore's ethics, clothes and so on.
      Many towns have passed ordinances to ban dumpster diving. They cite safety and health concerns. But dumpster divers know the truth: They don't want you finding free stuff because then you won't spend money at the local stores and they won't receive the sales tax.
      Mind you, I don't DD much myself, despite how my clothes appear. (I think a certain rumpled look is part of my overwhelming charm, and that smell is my cologne, thank you very much.) But I've cast a glance at a dumpster when I see something particularly interesting and have picked up a few things. And I know people who have found many good usable items in the dumpsters behind the apartments of college students.
      Many graduates -- moving away to start what they think are going to be promising careers, and boy, are they in for a surprise -- frequently discard items that they simply don’t want to move. Of course, they're thinking, "Hey, I'll just buy new ones with all my money from my fabulous job." One could feel sorry for them if they weren't such little snots.
      As for health concerns, most dumpsters are cleaner than the average teenager's bedroom. Usually much cleaner depending on the teenager and how much the parents are willing to nag.
      Some people are horrified by the idea of taking things out of a dumpster. It's beneath their dignity. Those same people will turn up their pointed noses at a dumpster, but they are willing to paw gleefully through a yard sale. And trust me, a yard sale is only one step away from a dumpster. (A tag sale is two steps away while an auction is often the same thing. An estate sale is like a yard sale, but someone had to die for it.)
      For instance, the stuck-up Simmonets called the police on me when I was going through their stuff. Admittedly it wasn't in the dumpster yet, but they would have emptied out that bedroom soon enough.
      A new twist has developed in the dumpster diving saga in the past few years. Criminal dumpster divers collect personal information on bank and credit card statements, business records and so on. They use this information to open accounts in other people's names, and then they have a good time until the FBI knocks on their door and gives them an all-expense paid vacation where they meet lots of new tattooed friends similar to the people who attend political conventions, but more polite and less smelly.
      Speaking of politics, I attempted to find out what the major political parties' positions on DD are. I telephoned the Republican National Committee headquarters (202-863-8500) and asked them what the Republican's stand was on dumpster diving. A polite man thanked me for calling, told me to vote Republican and then hung up. I then called the Democratic National Committee headquarters (202-863-8000) and asked them what their stand was. A polite woman thanked me for calling, told me to vote Democrat and hung up. (I bet if I were Dave Barry, they'd talk to me.)
      I enjoy my occasional DDing and I don't intend to give it up. As our Founding Fathers (would have) said (if dumpsters existed when they lived): "Now is the time for all good DDers to come to the aid of their dumpsters! Unite!"

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