Going postal

      I just finished the Complete Letters of Mark Twain. Fascinating if lengthy stuff. Now I've started to wonder who's collecting my letters. It will be important to the future scholars of my work, so important that I've decided I will start keeping photocopies of my letters and not depend on my scatterbrained friends and family who are right now discarding letters from me that doubtless they could sell to collectors some day.

Dear Mrs. Jones,
      Even though I often say that we'll have to get together sometime, implying that we should see each other more, I feel I must mention something as a good neighbor. You are a large, beautiful woman, but please do not wear hot pants. Yesterday when you bent over to work on your lawn, my dog went mad, birds fell from the sky, and my cat tried to claw his eyes out.
Sincerely

Dear Doctor Terminus,
      Thank you for sending me your educational if expensive bill. I had no idea that cotton swabs were made of gold. Once I figured this out, $207 for them seemed a bargain. I do hope you are willing to wait to be paid until I can sell a kidney or some other unnecessary organ on the black market.
To your good health

Dear Oklahoma Gas & Electric,
      With great interest, I read an article in my local newspaper about the construction of your new power plant. It will provide power for years to come in our growing state. Then I received your rather large bill. I have a request. Would it be possible to spread the construction cost around a bit? I want to do my share, but I don't want to deny the rest of your customers the opportunity to participate in this worthwhile project.
Shockingly

Dear Agent Smithson,
      When I referred to the IRS as "an evil pimple on society filled with brain-dead parasites," I meant it in a loving way, more of a gentle nickname, joshing between true friends. I know you can understand the caring and compassion behind such jibes. I have nothing but the greatest respect for you and your fellow employees of the great IRS.
Looking forward to seeing you at the audit

P.S. I hope you don't mind that I'll be bringing you a small present. Just a box of chocolates to show my continuing respect for you.

Dear Linda,
      Even though I'm still miffed about our breakup and the keying of my car and even though I did swear my undying terrible vengeance in that funny sweet way I have, I have no idea how your phone number was released on the Internet to every telemarketing firm in the world. I'm horrified that you could even think I would do such a thing.
Sadly

Dear Ted,
      Linda is on to us. Wipe all hard disks and flee the country. If you're caught, all knowledge of you will be disavowed.
Frantically

Dear Dennis,
      I have no idea where your cat is. Why does everyone in the neighborhood always suspect me when an animal goes missing? I'm not even playing with rockets these days, and Mrs. Andrews's cat was returned safely anyhow. I don’t know why she goes on and on about it, especially since furless cats are very expensive at the pet stores.
Indignantly

Dear Mr. Simmons,
      Please, I'm begging you for the sake of all that's good and decent in this weary world, close your drapes when you get out of the shower. The whole neighborhood would appreciate it. (Surely those can't be teeth marks ... can they?)
Anonymously

Dear MasterCard,
      I received your reminder of my payment due date. I am frankly dismayed by this lack of trust. Admittedly in the past, there may have been times when I needed this, but not for years. You need to grow beyond this obsessive need to be constantly reassured of my attention. Frankly I think you're demeaning yourself. It's time to move on.
Distantly

Dear Simon & Schuster,
      Thank you for reading my book of my collected letters. I'm sorry you felt they weren't right for your publishing company. I'll try Random House as you suggested.
Regretfully