Flickers

Been feeling ground down lately. Stressed by the day-to-day uncertainties of life. Finances remain a major worry. I waver between being a miser, hoarding my coins, stretching funds as far they can go, and being a spendthrift, tossing money at books and toys, defiantly baring my teeth at my creditors. This does not make a sound financial plan. I think I might be crazy.

Sometimes out of the blue, the loss of my parents hits me in the face. It's strange the things I will remember about them. I miss talking to my mother. Miss the Sunday morning phone calls from my father. I don't like visiting their graves. Don't like being reminded of what is lost. And besides, I know they're not there.

In the end, no matter how strong-willed we are, no matter how much we cling to life, no matter how hard we fight, in the end, we all pass away. We all go into the unknown. In the end, we all die.

And it always seems that our lives are too brief, mere flickers of flame in the storm-tossed dark. Every moment is precious because it will not come again, and yet, it is impossible to live each moment to the fullest. We were not made to be constantly on the edge of life. We have down times and off times, low moments and sad moments. We cannot be rejoicing all the time, and if we were, how would we know what to rejoice in? If we had no darkness, how would we know that a moment filled with sunlight and laughter should be cherished?

Perhaps that is what Heaven truly is: Bright moments that we know are bright for which we do not have pay for with darkness. Pure rejoicing with no taste of the bittersweet. To dance in the infinite sunlight as the stars sing forth praises.

There are times I long for a place I've never been. Do you?