Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Customer Service Tips AKA How to get fired quickly

After my time in the horrible world of customer service, I thought I could share a few points about it that might save your sanity if you ever venture into that zany and terrible place. Thus, a few highlights from my 251 Tips to Save Your Sanity (If You Work with the Crazy Public).

Customer Service Tip #1: Not only is the customer not always right, sometimes they are batweasel, blindgator, ratfrenzied, methmonkey crazy. When this happens, take a deep breath and remember they’re not worth you going to prison.

Customer Service Tip #7: Once in a blue moon, you’re going to be wrong. Admit your mistake up front and customers will like and respect you. If they don’t, whack them with a two-by-four and move on.

Customer Service Tip #13: Do your job correctly. Then when you get mistreated — and you will be — you can righteously complain — and you will.

Customer Service Tip #22: Your boss will not understand your side. He just wants you and the complaining customer to go away. Let us pray that as he drives his Mercedes away, he doesn’t discover someone has cut his brake lines.

Customer Service Tip #33 The best looking customers will always expect more from you. They’ve been that way since kindergarten. They’re not going to change now. If only you hadn't been known as "The Kid Who Eats Paste," your whole life might have been different.

Customer Service Tip #44 If your boss’s boss has to get involved in a problem, pack your things at the first chance you get so you’ll be prepared when you're fired to cover his gutless self. Be sure to take what office supplies you need, particularly that stapler you’ve become so fond of.

Customer Service Tip #56: It’s not your customer’s fault he/she is loathsome. That’s what happens when first cousins marry. Be kind.

Customer Service Tip #78: Sometimes the customer is right. Always check this remote possibility first. It will keep you from having to dine on crow later.

Customer Service Tip #82: When a customer swears at you, close your eyes and call upon your inner strength. Do not let his/her bad behavior steal your self-respect. Then open your eyes, pick up the nearest blunt object, and bounce it off their slanted forehead.

Customer Service Tip #97: For some customers, you are their social life. I suggest bringing a thermos and a few snacks so that you’ll always be prepared for a conversation lasting longer than many people’s marriages.

Customer Service Tip #134: In most social circles, it’s considered impolite to leap the service counter and snatch your customer bald-headed. Remember this, and you’ll be welcome everywhere.

Customer Service Tip #149: If the customer has money and you’ll do anything to get it, you will succeed in the business world. I suggest a career as a lawyer or Congressman.

Customer Service Tip #176: Bad breath and body odor will only drive away the most sensitive customers. It’s not worth the risk of tooth decay and disease. So go ahead and brush your teeth and shower once in a while. Deodorant is, of course, optional.

Customer Service Tip #211: Bitterness is never attractive. Learn to fake sincerity, and your customers will love you until you turn on them like a mad badger and gnaw their legs off.

Customer Service Tip #236: Never tell a customer you’re going to have him/her hunted down and killed in the street like a dog. It will upset them. No, let it be a total surprise when it happens.

I hope these help you retain your precious sanity. If not, you'll probably do great in management, particularly if you can jettison those pesky morals.

Copyright 2012 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. No copying without written permission from the author. Thanks for reading.

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