Over the past week or so, I've been witness to a young married couple doing their dead level best to damage their marriage. Of course, they don't see it that way. They're mad at each other over a few thoughtless comments that mushroomed into a vicious yell-fest, and now they're busy trying to "win," even though winning promises to be a Pyrrhic victory. I don't know why they're doing it. I can't see why saying, "I'm sorry" and "I'll try to do better" is so hard, particularly considering how painful this conflict is.
I think part of the problem is that they're addicted to the myth of right and wrong in relationships. Of every argument having one person who's right and one person who's wrong. And truthfully, in most instances, no one is always right, no one is always wrong. Not that we're taught to see it that way. Our media, novels, TV, and so on portray a right/wrong world. Oh, there are complex novels, movies, etc., that try for something more, but for the most part, our stories are about someone winning and someone losing.
You see this in politics. I have friends on both sides -- conservative, liberals, Republicans, Democrats, Tea Party, Coffee Party -- and they are all positive the other side is simply wrong, wrong, wrong. And if you tell them that they hold that attitude, they will argue with you and tell you, "No, we don't. It's them. We want to work together, but they don't."
There's nothing wrong with simple stories. Sometimes it's easy to see who are the good guys and who are the bad. Our mistake is thinking that the world conforms to the simple stories all the time. Rarely is one side completely right and the other completely wrong. It's always a mix of varying degrees. Learning how to pick and choose the right from both sides ... that's the problem.
If we, as humans, as the only sentient species on this planet, could finally learn to do that, we would be taking our first steps to becoming grownups. We might actually be live up to our potential. We might be great.
But don't hold your breath.
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5 comments:
"YOUNG married couple" emphasis on young. I hope they can work through thier problems before things go to far. I wonder if fiction writers are able to look at things in the middle and compromise more because we have to look at all angles and see things from alternative points of views.
Constance, I hope they do, too. Sometimes people don't realize how fragile our relationships are until they're broken.
Good point on fiction writers working to see all sides. I hadn't considered that, but it would explain why the writers I know seem more balanced in their views than other people.
I tell people it's not about being right, it's about being happy. The sooner we learn to own up to our mistakes and learn to forgive, the better off we are.
I dislike it when people say marriage is a 50/50 partnership. It is once in a while, but some days, it's 25/75, other days it's 0/100.
EJ, that's an excellent way to look at marriage.
It's worked for us for 22 1/2 years.
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