Taters away!

I’m living a nightmare. A terrible nightmare. What’s so sad about this is that I chose this nightmare. As I lay awake at night struggling with these terrible urges, I tell myself I chose this. But it’s cold comfort when I’ve got the shakes and need a large order of French fries now!

Yes, I’m attempting to give up potatoes. I’ve started the 7-Day Potato Famine. Seven long days with no potatoes. And this gets worse: although seven days start the famine, I’m supposed to give up potatoes forever. No French fries, no baked potato, no hash browns, no scalloped potatoes, no sour cream and potato soup, French onion potato chips … Pardon me while I weep.

Of course, the problem with potatoes is they’re loaded with carbs. Delicious fat-producing carbohydrates. (Why can’t lettuce be delicious?) Even medium-sized potatoes have 33 grams of carbs, and that’s before you add all the tasty toppings: the melted butter, the cloud-like sour cream, the savory bacon bits … Makes your mouth water, doesn’t it?

And that’s what I’m giving up. For my health. Whee. I can contain my excitement. I’ll live longer, of course. Without potatoes. Sigh. Although I’ve done it so far. With almost no complaints or none to speak of if you know what’s good for you.

The Potato Famine isn’t even the worst of this diet I’ve placed myself on. The Soft Drink Drought is coming. I dread that more than I do a root canal. Listen, I dread that more than I would listening to another political speech!

And I haven’t started talking about Walking to Jericho, in which I, a few other people, and some irritable camels attempt to walk from my town to Jericho. Six thousand eight hundred and eighty-four miles. Only 6877.5 miles to go. Yes, it’s sheer madness. Almost as mad as giving up potatoes forever. (See the Great SlimDown for details and progress reports on our fantastic journey.)

When I’m thin, I will have a potato again. Once in a while. But that’s a hundred pounds off. That’s right. Not a single potato will pass my lips to end on my hips until I’ve lost 100 pounds. And if, God forbid, I die before then, please see to it that my coffin is filled with Idahoes.

Of course, you’re reading this while eating potato chips. I can hear you chewing. No, it’s too late. You can go ahead and swallow. I won’t hurt you. Much. I’ll even give you a head start. Now put down the bag and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Copyright 2008 by Stephen B. Bagley

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