Overhaul, etc.

I started my Complete Body Overhaul yesterday. Go to the Great SlimDown. You’ll be hearing more about the Overhaul here, but the Great SlimDown will be the main source of information.

I've been mailing out the Murder by the Acre bookmark, designed by the talented Frenzied Feline, and everyone who has received it -- and I do mean everyone -- have raved about how nice it looks. My older sister said it was one of the nicest she had ever seen, and as a librarian, she receives a lot of bookmarks from authors and publishers. Perhaps FF needs to start a career as a graphic designer. I bet she would be great.

Speaking of the MBTA bookmark, one can be yours in the Win A Bookmark contest. Just 1) comment in comments that you want one and 2) send me your snail mail address (mailing address), and I'll get one right out to you while supplies last. I have 44 bookmarks left for this giveaway.

I spent today doing housework and working on the September (!) family newsletter. I finished it. I'm printing it now. I started the October newsletter and hope to finish it this week. Then I'll do the November one before end of the month. I hope.

I wrote the following humor column for the September family newsletter. I thought I'd share it here.

The joys of getting older and other lies

I celebrated my 47th birthday in July. Well, not really celebrated. Mourned might be the better word. Not that I minded getting older. In fact, other than cold sweats, weeping, wailing, sudden fits, and gnashing of teeth, I was quite calm about it.

Just think: the world has endured – uh, enjoyed 47 years of me. This does explain a few things, doesn’t it? Global warming, environmental degradation, those CD cases that are impossible to get into without a cutting torch — I had nothing to do with any of those so why are you blaming me?

What really annoys me about getting older is how my body is wearing out. You’d figure after all this work I’ve done in avoiding work in any fashion, I’d be in better shape. I mean, why would my body be wearing out? It hasn’t had to do anything in years!

But my eyes are going bad, my back wants to fold up like a Republican’s conscience, my waist is expanding faster than a Democrat’s budget, my hair is departing my scalp and moving into my ears, and my brain is forgetting things I didn’t even know I knew.

Speaking of my brain, the other day someone asked me some question and I was trying to remember something when someone else came by and maybe asked the same question and I told another someone about how that first someone was always asking something about something, if you know what I mean.

I’m not saying I’m over the hill, but the view is awesome from where I’m at. I can see for miles and miles and miles, or I could if I could find my glasses. Oh, they’re on top of my head. Who put them there? Someone’s been sneaking in and moving things around my house. Probably those pesky Methodists again.

I blame my siblings for my advancing age: my older sister gets older and she pulls my older brother along, and he pulls me along, and my younger sister pushes me from behind! It’s no wonder I’m not as young as I used to be! If my older sister would just stop, this senseless aging would be over. I’m sure my other siblings wouldn't. But she has up a head of steam, and if I know my older sister — and I do, despite her claims that she’s never heard of me — she’s not going to stop until we all reach our 90s. Or older.

Well, there are worse things than being only 37. Shut up now. No one needs your math.

And now I'll close. Night! Talk to you tomorrow.

Click here to order Murder by the Acre in softcover.
Click here to order Murder by the Acre in hardcover.
Click here to order Murder by the Acre merchandise.