Press conference

Hello. I'm Stephen B. Bagley. Thank you for coming to this press conference. Today we're going to be talking about the recent release of my latest mystery novel Murder by the Acre, the sequel to last year's Murder by Dewey Decimal. In the new novel, librarian Bernard M. Worthington and reporter Lisa Trent stumble on the body of a local jeweler and ladies’ man in an underground house. As the young couple and Police Chief Donaldson investigate, they find themselves drawn into a confusing mystery of lies and alibis that involves the upper crust of Ryton, Oklahoma. Questions abound: Who killed him and how? Why doesn’t the widow care that her husband is dead? Why doesn’t his mistress? What does the mysterious Aventura Corporation have to do with the murder? What is the corporation hiding? Soon events spiral out-of-control as the killer strikes again and again. As the three dig for the truth, they upset powerful, vengeful people. The chief might lose his job, but Bernard and Lisa could lose their lives. We'll open the floor for questions now.

Will it keep zombies away?

Uh ... what?

Will it keep zombies away?

Sure. Whatever. Next question.

What about evil aliens from distant stars?

What? Yeah, of course.

Does it come with a guarantee?

Of what?

That it keeps evil aliens away.

I don't ... Why don't we move on?

On the zombie question, I'd like to follow up. Why do zombies always want to eat brains?

Good question!

Thank you. I felt like it needed to be asked. Livers, sure. Kidneys, certainly. But brains?

I really have no answers on any zombie questions. Murder by the Acre is not horror or science fiction. It is a murder mystery set in a small town in Oklahoma. Let's stay on course. Does anyone have a question regarding my book?

Yes, I do. Why is there so much sex in the book?

Sex? There isn't. I mean, there is some adultery because of the nature of the mystery, but it's not a ...

So when you think sex, you think adultery.

... sex book. No, that's not what I said. Did you read the book?

I find reading the book only confuses the issues.

Exactly.

Oh, good point.

I'd really like to get the zombie question settled.

I do find it interesting that he never answered it.

"They" probably got to him. The military/secret service. The men in black. Don't expect any answers from him. I pity him.

Is there anyone who has a question about my book? Anyone?

I was probed once.

How exciting! Was it the greenies or the grays?

Anyone? I'm beggin' you.

My second cousin knows a man whose brother's wife's uncle's son was probed. It changed his life. He became a free-range Methodist.

I once dated a Methodist. Don't they wear those skullcaps?

You're thinking of Northern Baptists. They wear skullcaps?

The beings who probed me wore skullcaps. Could they be connected to the Northern Baptists?

I guess we'll close. You can order Murder by the Acre below. I need an aspirin.

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