There's a song by Dizzy X called "Show Me." I'm in a "Show Me" mood. I have been for weeks. Maybe months.
"Show me, show me that you need me ..."
I was praising my cast tonight. I was talking about giving gold stars, and I thought to myself, what would they do I suddenly starting asking them for gold stars. What if I told them that I needed praise, too? But I clamped down on that. Directors don't do that. I don't do that.
"Show me, show me that you want me ..."
There are so many times that I would give my soul for someone, anyone to say that I'm doing a good job, that I matter, that I'm worthy. That someone would give that to me without me asking. That someone would know that I needed it and would give it freely before I even knew I was empty.
"Show me, show me that you love me ..."
I wonder if people realize how much of my life I spent keeping silent. I wonder as I stroke their egos and listen to their problems and try to help because that's what I do, I wonder if they ever consider that someday I might break like bloody glass and shatter. But I keep silent. That's what I do. That's what I am.
"Show me, show me, show me, show me ..."
I'm tired tonight. That's all it is. Me being tired. My defenses get low. Too many problems I can't fix. Too many people I love who love me less than I love them. Isn't that my fault for not being more lovable? No one promised us we'd be loved in this life. No one. If I have a gift, it's that I love. Foolishly and impulsively and totally. Maybe it's a curse. Today it feels like one.
"All I need is ..."
But if you hear someday that I broke and ran away to an island and I never looked back and left people wondering, you'll know why, won't you?
