More than you wanted to know about tea

      The little green tea people are after me because I made some unkind remarks about their elixir of life, their beverage of the gods, their cure-all for any and all ills including baldness and the dreaded creeping earlobe fungus. So I thought I'd send them into a stupor with a long discussion about the various teas.
      Tea is basically the dried and processed leaves of one plant species called camellia sinensis. (Herbal teas are not really teas, but simply dried flowers and/or herbs. They are more correctly called herbal infusions. Remember that. It will be on the test.) Even though all teas come from only one species, there are three major varieties: the China, the India (or Assam) and the Hybrid. All have a slightly different taste. Americans are most used to the India or Hybrid teas, both of which are easier to grow than the China variety. (Which is why China teas are more expensive. Please note, though, you can grow the China variety in other places than China, but that seems sort of silly.)
      You will find four main types of tea on the shelves: white, black, green and oolong. The difference in them is mainly in processing and, of course, how they're spelled. Basically, processing is taking the raw green leaves and deciding how much oxidation (or fermentation) if any should take place before drying them out. (This is not unlike what AA does for its members, but they stress the drying out portion and discourage the fermentation.)
      Tea leaves have enzymes in their veins. Don't be shocked. They're supposed to be there. When the leaf is bruised or crushed, the enzymes are exposed to oxygen resulting in oxidation. The amount of oxidation depends upon how much of the enzymes are exposed and for how long. Just trust me on this, and let's move on.
      White teas are the least processed of any tea and therefore taste the most like fresh leaves or grass. Yummy. They also have the lowest amount of caffeine and most likely have the highest antioxidant properties. Tea leaves meant for white teas are immediately fried or steamed after letting them air dry for a short period of time. (The steaming and frying neutralizes the enzymes, thus preventing oxidation.) There is no rolling, breaking or bruising of the leaves. The tea police see to this, and violators are forced to drink coffee. Black. No sugar. While standing on their head and balancing a box of knives on their feet. The tea police don't fool around.
      Black teas are the most processed of the four types of teas. They are the highest in caffeine, but still have antioxidant properties, just not quite as much as others. They are rolled, crushed, bruised and generally folded, torn and mutilated and then allowed to completely oxidize, thus giving the leaves their blackened color. You can find places that boast that their teas "age three months," but that really doesn't mean anything, as the oxidation is pretty much complete as soon as the leaves turn black. We'll let them keep bragging about that because frankly if that's all they have to brag about, who are we to rain on their parade?
      Green teas processing is similar to that of white teas in that they aren't allowed to oxidize. They might want to so that they can get that rich, strong, delicious taste of black tea, but once again the tea police step in (and then step out and put their right foot in and shake it all around. The tea police are good dancers, but let's be honest, our brave members of the FBI are much better.) After the leaves are plucked, they are laid out to air dry (or wither or Bushized) for about 8 to 24 hours. This lets most of the water evaporate. Then the leaves are steamed or pan-fried (or Clintonized).
      Oolong teas are the hardest to categorize, despite having the most fun name to say. I often go into stores and ask the clerks if they know where the oolong tea is at. Oh, the look on their faces is simply priceless, I tell you, priceless. Man, I need a life. Anyway, oolong tea requires only a partial oxidation of the leaves. After the leaves are plucked, they are air-dried for about 8 to 24 hours. Then the leaves are tossed in baskets in order to bruise the edges of the leaves. Much rejoicing is heard from the happy leaves who never get to play in the fields. But it does leave them bruised. This bruising causes the leaves to partially oxidize because only a portion of the enzymes is exposed to air. Next, the leaves steamed in order to neutralize the enzymes and stop any more oxidation for happening. Oolong tea can have varying degrees of oxidation. Some are closer to black teas, and some are closer to green. Some would like to be orange or even purple, but they are whisked away by the tea police and never seen again, although I'm sure you've heard the rumors.
      Now hopefully the little green tea people are safely asleep and won't take me away in their spaceship. But if they do, and you never hear from me again (although if the evening news starts featuring reports about someone running wild, naked and free through the suburbs and shouting, "The success of any serious relationship depends on complete honesty, true compassion and lots of duct tape," you'll know I'm still out there, watching and waiting and scratching) let me say right now that I love all green teas equally. I'll let you work that one out for yourselves.

TEST

1. Isn't oolong a great word? Use it in a sentence in which you make it into a verb. For instance, I want to oolong with you.

2. Do you believe in alien abduction? Have you ever been probed for your genetic secrets? What are your genetic secrets? Come on, tell us. We know you have them after seeing your six toes.

3. Have you ever been herbally infused? Really? Did you feel used afterward?

4. Did you read the question number 2?

5. What about question 3?

6. How about this one?

7. Discuss the Boston Tea Party and why they didn't have any of those delicious almond cookies.

8. Are you dating anyone? I mean, in real life, not another of those creepy Internet things where you send fake photos back and forth and talk naughty and then meet and discover your netpal was Jabba the Hut's older, less mannered sister and get all upset even though your photo was of Brad Pitt that you PhotoShopped your head on, but enough about my life.

9. Would you like to date anyone? Say, someone that collects explosives and comic books? Why not?

10. I'm lonely. And I have lots of duct tape. Why does that seem to upset people, particularly the police? Answer true or false.

Time's up. Pass your papers to the front. Now, let's all take a break and have a nice cup of orange juice.