"Turn Does the Year"
By Stephen B. Bagley
the old year turns
either onto a new path
or onto the same
with only minor changes
we raise a cup or not
hoping a toast brings luck
even as we realize
it might not be as wished
in this changing moment
between then and now
and what will come after
drink deep the bittersweet
promised nothing, we still
scheme and plan
and if the fates be kind
a plan or two will bloom
we make promises
we might not keep
even though we will try
and cry and laugh and run
dance with me
love with me
pray with me
kiss your sweet lips now
think of what we leave behind
walk toward what is before us
most importantly hold my hand
as the old year turns new
(Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.)
Monday, December 31, 2018
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Surviving Christmas Again
So...how ya doin'? You enjoyed/survived/tolerated/rejoiced in/bah humbugged/delighted in Christmas. And you're still here. Good for you. Be proud of you.
If you know anything about me, you know I love Christmas. Yet, like many of you, my Christmases carry loss and sorrow as we mourn those who aren't here with us. I miss my parents so much that it hurts. Not all the time, of course, but sometimes the pain takes my breath away, still so sharp and clear after all these years. And other precious family members and dear friends, all lost now...I remember them, too. Even so, I still rejoice in Christmas. Not because of the gifts or the food or the shopping or the TV specials on PBS, although they are all enjoyable--except the shopping, but that is the price we pay for wanting to give to those we care about.
No, I rejoice in Christmas not for any of those things, but for the hope. The idea that the birth of a small child would cause a ripple in history. A child who would grow up and go forth and preach a message of love and acceptance. He would suffer terribly and he would be killed for his words.
A huge story started then, a story that would change the world and set in motion great times and small things, terrible events and glorious actions. That's the story of Easter: tragedy and terror, loss and sorrow, murder and miracle, redemption and glory.
But on Christmas, we remember the beginning, the trembling fear and overwhelming joy every parent feels when they hold their newborn, the expectation of things to come, that moment when it seems the world pauses in expectation, the first lusty breath and then a baby's first cry rings out in a silent night....
I rejoice in Christmas because it is a reminder of those things. A reminder of hope and how things can change. It's a new beginning. That's what Christmas is for me. I hope it is that for you, too. Whatever you believe, that's what I pray for you.
If you know anything about me, you know I love Christmas. Yet, like many of you, my Christmases carry loss and sorrow as we mourn those who aren't here with us. I miss my parents so much that it hurts. Not all the time, of course, but sometimes the pain takes my breath away, still so sharp and clear after all these years. And other precious family members and dear friends, all lost now...I remember them, too. Even so, I still rejoice in Christmas. Not because of the gifts or the food or the shopping or the TV specials on PBS, although they are all enjoyable--except the shopping, but that is the price we pay for wanting to give to those we care about.
No, I rejoice in Christmas not for any of those things, but for the hope. The idea that the birth of a small child would cause a ripple in history. A child who would grow up and go forth and preach a message of love and acceptance. He would suffer terribly and he would be killed for his words.
A huge story started then, a story that would change the world and set in motion great times and small things, terrible events and glorious actions. That's the story of Easter: tragedy and terror, loss and sorrow, murder and miracle, redemption and glory.
But on Christmas, we remember the beginning, the trembling fear and overwhelming joy every parent feels when they hold their newborn, the expectation of things to come, that moment when it seems the world pauses in expectation, the first lusty breath and then a baby's first cry rings out in a silent night....
I rejoice in Christmas because it is a reminder of those things. A reminder of hope and how things can change. It's a new beginning. That's what Christmas is for me. I hope it is that for you, too. Whatever you believe, that's what I pray for you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
2018 Prosateurs Christmas Book Catalog!
🌟
Do
Do
you
need
any last
minute gifts?
The Prosateurs have
the books for you! From
cooking, children's books, humor,
mysteries, horror, inspirational, and
more, you can find the right book for all
the lucky people on your list--and for you!
Monday, October 01, 2018
NEW RELEASE FROM MRH
MRH PUBLISHES NEW BOOK FLOOZY COMES BACK
“Stephen’s
first collection of humorous essays, Floozy
and Other Stories, is one of the top books we’ve published and the readers
wanted more,” said Ms. Pru Simmons, MRH associate editor. “Finally, after too
long a wait, we have a new collection of these hilarious stories.”
OKLAHOMA—Many Rivers Harbor announces the
publication of Floozy Comes Back, a
new collection of humorous articles from author Stephen B. Bagley. The book is on sale now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, Lulu, and other
online retailers.
“Stephen’s
first collection of humorous essays, Floozy
and Other Stories, is one of the top books we’ve published and the readers
wanted more,” said Ms. Pru Simmons, MRH associate editor. “Finally, after too
long a wait, we have a new collection of these hilarious stories.”
Simmons
said most of the essays in Floozy Comes
Back had been published in print and online magazines and newsletters and
in various anthologies. “Stephen wrote several new ones just for this book and also
restored a couple of articles previously published in the first Floozy
collection that had been cut by various editors to fit space and theme
requirements.”
“I enjoy
revisiting these essays,” Bagley said. “They’re like old friends. I’m glad to
get to share them again with the readers.”
The book’s contents include: A Tale of Two Goldfish, Spice Boy, Hamlet or Another Four Hours I Won’t Get Back, The Terrible Truth about Women, Tanning My Hide, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, Taking Aim at Cupid, Needs Something More, Irish Dancing as Performed by Roofers, Pumpkin Pinterest, The Story of the Second Thanksgiving, Getting Lit at Christmas, Much Ado about Carbs, and many other reader favorites.
The book’s contents include: A Tale of Two Goldfish, Spice Boy, Hamlet or Another Four Hours I Won’t Get Back, The Terrible Truth about Women, Tanning My Hide, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, Taking Aim at Cupid, Needs Something More, Irish Dancing as Performed by Roofers, Pumpkin Pinterest, The Story of the Second Thanksgiving, Getting Lit at Christmas, Much Ado about Carbs, and many other reader favorites.
Floozy Comes Back retails for $16 in trade paperback.
For more information, visit manyriversharbor.blogspot.com.
Stephen B. Bagley co-wrote Undying, a collection of poetry with poet Gail Henderson. He wrote Murder by Dewey Decimal and Murder
by the Acre, both in the Measurements of Murder™
series. His other books include Tales
from Bethlehem, Floozy and Other Stories, and Endless. He wrote the full-length plays Murder at the Witch’s Cottage and Two
Writers in the Hands of an Angry God and
co-wrote Turnabout. He coauthored two one-act plays (“Hogwild” and “There’s a
Body in The Closet”) that were published by Dramatic Publishing Company. His
poetry, articles, short stories, and essays have appeared in Writer’s Digest, Prosateurs: Tales & Truth, Blackbirds First Flight, Blackbirds Second Flight, Blackbirds Third Flight, By-Line Magazine, Nautilus Magazine, Pontotoc County Chronicles, Tulsa World OKMagazine, Your Country Music Magazine, Free Star, Dark Prairies & Deep Rivers, New Journeys & Destinations, the Creations anthologies
2012-2015, various newspapers in Arkansas and Oklahoma, and other print and
online publications. He graduated from Oklahoma State University, Stillwater, Oklahoma,
with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism. He is a member of Oklahoma Writers
Federation, Inc. and a founding member of the writing group Prosateurs. Visit
his website at StephenBBagley.blogspot.com.
ABOUT
MANY RIVERS HARBOR
Many Rivers Harbors, a micropublishing
company based in Oklahoma, is dedicated to helping authors publish and promote
their books. For more information about MRH publications, visit MRH at manyriversharbor.blogspot.com or email
at manyriversharbor@gmail.com.
Friday, September 28, 2018
"Up, Up & Away in My Beautiful Semi-Rigid Airship"
I’ve always loved dirigibles, those huge gas-filled flying machines
that naturally would make us think of Congress if they were filled
with hot air, but no, they’re filled with a helium mixture these
days. I remember seeing the Goodyear blimp float over my town once.
As it made its slow, majestic way across the sky, I felt true wonder in
my soul, like the first time I saw Pamela Anderson in a bikini.Even now, some people talk wistfully about days of the passenger airships. They were luxury cruisers and fast enough when compared with other modes of transoceanic transportation. The Hindenburg made it across the Atlantic Ocean in about four days, faster than even Michael Phelps could swim it.
Unfortunately, the Hindenburg disaster on May 6, 1937 put an end to the airship era. It shattered the public’s faith in airship transportation, although statistics showed airships were safer than cheating on your spouse.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Thursday, September 27, 2018
"We Like Big Trucks; We Cannot Lie"
Recently a major American automobile company announced it
was going to stop selling almost all its cars and concentrate
on big trucks. The idea being that fossil fuels will last
FOREVER—or at least until our generation is safely dead and then it’s
not our problem.Not the company’s fault, of course. They’re making what the public wants, and apparently, the public wants vehicles large enough to be seen from orbit.
I myself drive a sensible four-door sedan. I would like a flashy sports car that can go from zero to sixty in a blink, but I am stopped by one) not having enough money to afford one, and two) if I did have one, I would have to butter myself to get inside and it would take the Jaws of Life and the fire department to get me out. I no longer have the body for a low-slung sports car.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
"The Truth about Trees"
But it’s not plumbing problems that have me riled up about trees this time around. Nor is it their world domination schemes that are aided by the squirrels but opposed by the noble chipmunks. (Oh, Chip and Dale, the terrible price you’ve paid for your selfless bravery!) No, it’s a new complaint: I’m trying to learn how to paint, and trees are hard to do.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
"Inner Peace or Something Vaguely Like That"
I regarded him doubtfully. He was young and had seemed healthy enough four weeks ago when he replaced my last therapist who had apparently entered a monastery, but he had gone downhill fast. I wonder what was going on in his private life that had caused this change.
“Yoga? You mean that chanting thing where they sacrifice chickens, go into trances, and make zombies?”
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Monday, September 24, 2018
"Congress and Other Monstrous Things"
I don’t know how such frightening shows such as The Walking Dead, Fear the Walking Dead, The Talking Dead (a talk show about The Walking Dead), and Dancing with Barely Remembered Stars can pull in the viewer numbers that they do. If people really wanted to watch something horrific, they should watch C-SPAN. If what goes on there doesn’t frighten you, you’re most likely already dead or living in Washington, D.C., a fate well known to be worse than death.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
"Much Ado About Carbs"
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Friday, September 21, 2018
"Irish Dancing as Performed by Roofers"
Yes, they do fall off the roof. I actually got to see one of them do that. He rolled off the carport nearly in front of me. Naturally, his fellow workers sprang into immediate action showing their concern.
One of them called, “Hey, you okay?”
The one on the ground said, “(Expletive), yeah.”
And then everyone laughed uproariously, except me, of course, because I had to rush inside to see if my home insurance would cover a liability claim if someone did get hurt while working on my property. I already knew it didn’t cover other people’s pets who wander into large model rockets.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
"I CAN Drive 55; I Don't Wanna"
Okay, I can understand running out of blinker fluid. It happens.
Apparently. Let’s not get up on our high horse about that. After
all, when was the last time you had your car’s blinker fluid
level checked?
But this whole I-don’t-see-the-stop-sign-so-it-doesn’t-exist thing, that’s odd. I don’t understand it. Toddlers believe something similar; that’s why peek-a-boo is such a hit with them. You disappear for a moment, and then you miraculously reappear. You’re the most amazing person they’ve met in their short life! Of course, that feeling doesn’t last, and by the time your toddler has grown into a teenager, you’re quite possibly the dumbest parent who has ever walked the earth and only put here to “totally” embarrass her/him. Which you should do at each and every opportunity. It’s your duty.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
"The Burden of Beauty"
I just had a sudden insight that I’m sure may have escaped your attention.
Well, don’t feel bad. After all, I’m a genius, and you’re
not. But you have a sweet spirit and will probably be spared when
I crush the thrones of this earth under my booted heel. But that’s not a
promise. Stop being so needy.
Anyway, my insight was about The Burden of Beauty. The capitals on The Burden of Beauty should clue you in that this will be our topic. Or really my topic. I’m writing, and you’re reading. It’s good to keep those roles straight. Yes, it’s true that beautiful people get the best jobs, make the most money, get better care in emergency rooms and hospitals, receive more respect from their peers and loved ones, and live longer. These statements are all supported by real statistics, not ones I made up.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
"Needs Something More"
This morning I got up at five and thought I’d watch the sunrise. As I watched the scarlet fingers of dawn stretch across the majestic vault of the sky, I thought, Hmm, it could do with a bit of dramatic music and maybe a car chase or two. By sharing that, you might think I’m blind to the wonders of nature. Not true. I just feel nature is better behind a TV screen, door, picture window, wall, moat, 20-foot-tall electrified fence with guard posts every 30 feet...because nature frankly never saw a human that it didn’t want to bend, fold, perforate, or eat.Yes, I know, Disney has made you think that nature is filled with lovable bunnies, cute ducks, and adorable deer. Did you know that deer cost us over 4 billion dollars in property damage and medical bills each year by their habit of jumping in front of moving cars in their imitation of trainspotting? And the number of people shot by bunnies with guns stagger the imagination! Truly, it would. I can’t even discuss the fowl things ducks do.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Monday, September 17, 2018
"That Buzzing Sound You Hear"
Yes, I know that supposedly they lay eggs that somehow survive the winter’s cold, and those eggs hatch into larvae, which grow up to suck blood and lay more eggs to survive the winter, but I don’t believe it. Have you ever seen a mosquito nest? Me, neither. What really happens is they follow the sun to torment South Americans. Mosquitoes live many years, and all of them speak fondly of me, their Promised Land of white, soft skin that conceals the most delicious and nourishing liquid.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
"Taking Aim at Cupid"
Ordinarily in February, I make a few disparaging remarks about
Valentine’s Day, or “Passover” as I call it in my house, but
never within earshot of any of my Jewish friends as they do
get the joke, but they don’t think it’s funny, and I hate it when they go
all Samson on me.
But this year, I’ve decided to direct our attention to that clothing challenged archer who wings around shooting people with arrows to make them fall in love with people guaranteed to ruin their lives. I don’t understand Cupid.
Oh sure, I get the metaphor that love is like a sharp weapon that pierces your spleen and makes you hemorrhage to death while your lover runs off with your best friend, but beyond the obvious, what’s up with him?
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Friday, September 14, 2018
"A Tale of Two Goldfish"
I bought another fish recently to keep Churchill, my fancy goldfish,
company. It’s a fantail goldfish, and its name is Bo. The other fish
at the store had apparently heard of me. While my back was
turned, I quite clearly heard the phrase “aquarium of death” bubbled
around. I ignored them.
As I checked out, the clerk leaned close to me and asked, “Do they fry up good?” Apparently, she thought I had been buying so many goldfish because I was dipping them in batter and serving them with chips on the side. I didn’t reply, just smiled and shook my head, even though everyone knows you can’t fry goldfish. (You have to bake them in a low-temperature oven—or so I’ve heard.)
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
"What Did You Say?"
I’ve been accused of not paying attention more than once in my life. By teachers, parents, siblings, girlfriends, friends who are girls, just plain friends, fellow employees, teammates, etc., and who say I’m the poster child for Adult Attention Deficit Syndrome. I think it’s time to explain this once and for all—if I’m not paying attention, it’s because you’re not being interesting. If you’d step up your game, I’d be with you more.Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
"My Fitness Goal—and, Yes, I DO Have One"
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Monday, September 10, 2018
"'Hamlet' or Another Four Hours I Won't Get Back"
You all know Hamlet by William Shakespeare is one of the greatest plays ever written. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can go to bed knowing you learned one thing today.You may be surprised to also learn I am not a fan of the play. Oh, I recognize the genius of it, and it has one of the most famous and moving soliloquies ever written (To be or not to be...) but frankly it doesn’t have a role for Dolly Parton, and I don’t like plays that preclude the chance of casting her.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back on sale now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Saturday, September 08, 2018
"Je ne parle pas Français!"
I keep trying to learn French even though it’s obvious I will never master it with enough expertise to not horrify a Frenchman. I once had dinner in a French restaurant in Tulsa and attempted to impress the waiter with my French. With an expression on his face like he had a severe case of constipation, he attempted to repeat my order to me in bad English while I attempted to correct him in bad French. I would have gone hungry except the menu had pictures on it, so I was able to point at items and received excellent food. I’m not sure what it was, but it used a lot of garlic, cream, and butter, and how could you go wrong with that?I don’t even know why I want to learn French. I have no particular desire to travel to France, although it seems lovely and they did give us the Statue of Liberty, which is much nicer than a gift card but not as easy to carry.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Buy at Amazon
Friday, September 07, 2018
"The Jonesmyth Expedition"
T’was a cold day in late December in fair London town in the meeting room of the Literary Works Explorers Club in the year 20— when Sir Neil “Nellybelly” Shanksview made a most audacious proposal: to mount an expedition of brave men to read the entire ‘Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’ of the somewhat United Colonies of the Americas.“By Finnigan’s foot, it’s not possible!” Brigadier Frogsworth “Froggy” Speartoad exclaimed and spilled his whiskey and goat milk.
“Compose yourself, Frog,” the forthright and handsome Lord Thomas “Pigsworth” Jonesmyth said calmly. “With the proper equipment and planning, such an expedition could be done in...let me think...in—”
“Eighty days!” interjected the youthful Martin “Martin” Cowpert.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Buy at Amazon
Thursday, September 06, 2018
"To a Fault"
Whenever something terrible happens, you should always ask yourself, “Is Stephen okay?” If so, then it’s not that terrible. At least not for me, and I’m sure we all agree that’s what’s really important. Naturally, I’m concerned about you, too, and will do anything to help you—as long as I’m not greatly inconvenienced or busy or my favorite shows aren’t on TV. I have to have priorities, which I know you understand because I’m such a high priority for you.To a judgmental person, it might possibly sound like I’m self absorbed, but let’s be honest, if you were as awesome as me—if that were even possible, and frankly, it’s not—you’d be self-absorbed, too. I’m definitely marvelous. People are fascinated by me, particularly doctors who want to study me in a specially controlled environment.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Buy at Amazon
Wednesday, September 05, 2018
"The Fine Art of Sighing"
My old computer died. You would have thought I lost a beloved pet by the way I moped around my house for a couple of weeks. During that time, my answer to any question was a sigh of despair with a hint of brave long-suffering and a touch of woe-is-me. It was one of my finest series of sighs.Not that I’m the master of sighing. No, that title belongs to my brother. He can create sighs that are the verbal equivalent of the Mona Lisa. For some unaccountable reason, I am the cause of many of his sighs, and I can tell you they are capable of making strong men weep or at least check to see if the tires of their cars are leaking. His sighs convey the overall theme of “my brother is nuts and why am I burdened with him” with layers of such emotions as “life is a mystery of sadness and joy” and “geese fly south in the winter as the year moves toward its end.”
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now! Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Buy at Amazon
Tuesday, September 04, 2018
"Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"
She wanted something “tasteful but cheerful.” She found an illustration of those charming but theologically unsound cherubs painted by the Renaissance artist Raphael and decided one of those cute winged angels would permanently fly on her left shoulder. She priced various tattoo artists and located one with the lowest prices. His establishment was clean, and he was courteous and professional.
All in all, an unremarkable event, except she probably should have found an artist who charged more.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Monday, September 03, 2018
"Way Too Hot"
However, we’re experiencing a run of hot weather here in Oklahoma that has daunted even me. Going outside and hearing your sweat sizzle can take the spring out of anyone’s step. And if you’re heavy like me, you soon realize that you have enough fat on you to fry yourself if you’re not careful. You would only need to add sides of lmashed potatoes and collard greens to make a meal fit for any southern cannibal king.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Saturday, September 01, 2018
"Catchy Tune, but Can You Cuss to It?"
I think this means I am officially old and not in tune with modern music. In fact, I’m only a few years away from sitting on my porch and yelling for the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, those young snotfaces with their iPhone this and iPad that. They’re going to be mighty surprised when my iCane impacts their smart-alecky heads. They’ll probably run home crying, “iHurt! iHurt! iHurt!” Whiners. Or more correctly iWhiners.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
From where we are
Sometimes things can't be undone. A friend of mine did an unkind and hurtful act several months ago. Naturally, there were apologies and acceptances...but now we're not as close. Despite our best intentions, we no longer feel the same toward each other. There's an old saying about how we might forget what a person does, but we never forget how they make us feel. This is a validation of that. It's sad, but you go on from where you are, and you lose people along the way.
I've never liked this. I always wanted to bring everyone along. But that's not how it works. And who knows? The future might bring a renewal of the friendship. I learned a long time back to never say never since the universe has a way of making us eat those words. But for now, we go on from where we are.
I've never liked this. I always wanted to bring everyone along. But that's not how it works. And who knows? The future might bring a renewal of the friendship. I learned a long time back to never say never since the universe has a way of making us eat those words. But for now, we go on from where we are.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Enjoy!
Enjoy this collection of wild and wacky tales, including:
Spice Boy,
A Tale of Two Goldfish,
Tanning My Hide,
Kindle the Barbarian,
The Fine Art of Sighing,
Pumpkin Pinterest,
Mr. Manners Speaks,
Much Ado About Carbs,
Congress & Other Monstrous Things,
Work in Your Underwear,
The Terrible Truth About Women,
and many more in Floozy Comes Back!
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!
For reasons that surpass my understanding, Barnes and Noble has launched Floozy Comes Back today! I didn't even know she was back in the States!
Here's the link: Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!
Here's the link: Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
"Catchy Tune, but Can You Cuss to It?
I think this means I am officially old and not in tune with modern music. In fact, I’m only a few years away from sitting on my porch and yelling for the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, those young snotfaces with their iPhone this and iPad that. They’re going to be mighty surprised when my iCane impacts their smart-alecky heads. They’ll probably run home crying, “iHurt! iHurt! iHurt!” Whiners. Or more correctly iWhiners.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Travels with Floozy
Okay, I really haven't been jealous of Floozy's world travels until now. Isn't this lovely? She's visiting the beautiful Lake Louise located in the Banff National Park in Alberta Canada. Lake Louise is one of the most visited lakes in Canada, and you can see why. #FloozyCB
Friday, July 20, 2018
"Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"
A friend of mine got her first tattoo recently. She had wanted one for years, she told me, and she finally took the plunge. (Plunge being an apt word choice in this instance, as you will see if you keep reading and why wouldn’t you? It’s not like you have much of a social life.)
She wanted something “tasteful but cheerful.” She found an illustration of those charming but theologically unsound cherubs painted by the Renaissance artist Raphael and decided one of those cute winged angels would permanently fly on her left shoulder. She priced various tattoo artists and located one with the lowest prices. His establishment was clean, and he was courteous and professional. All in all, an unremarkable event, except she probably should have found an artist who charged more.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Floozy arrives!
My copies of Floozy Comes Back are here! Woohoo! Now, what does that mean for her online debut? I don't know. I'm not sure either is connected, but I have my copies! So that's good!
Monday, July 16, 2018
London calling...
Sweet land of Goshen...that's Big Ben, isn't it? Floozy is in London. She's getting around more than Doctor Who. #FloozyCB
Saturday, July 14, 2018
Floozy in Paris
Seriously, Floozy, Paris?! You're in Paris? Any chance that's Paris, Arkansas? Sigh. I do like the beret, though.
Friday, July 13, 2018
Floozy goes skiing!
I thought when Floozy said she wanted to go skiiing, she meant water skiing! I don't even think that mountain range is in the United States. No wonder she asked about frequent flyer miles!
Thursday, July 12, 2018
My mistake
Because I made the mistake of saying this day couldn't get any worse, Floozy Comes Back ran into a problem at the publisher. It's fixed, but it's off schedule now. I know she will go on sale on Lulu.com on the 30th. I'm hoping Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BAM!, and the others will also have her on sale that day. If not, they will have her the first or second week of August. Right now, they're saying they will "attempt" to hit the July 30th date. We'll see. Of course, I will have my copies by then so the local folks will be able to get it. There's no particular charm about the 30th, but it happens to be my birthday and I thought it would be a cool thing to have her premiere on that day. Okay, universe, you proved your point. I won't say that particular phrase ever again!
Oh, here's Floozy under the island palms. Where I'd like to be.
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
"The Fine Art of Sighing"
My old computer died. You would have thought I lost a beloved pet by the way I moped around my house for a couple of weeks. During that time, my answer to any question was a sigh of despair with a hint of brave long-suffering and a touch of woe-is-me. It was one of my finest series of sighs.Not that I’m the master of sighing. No, that title belongs to my brother. He can create sighs that are the verbal equivalent of the Mona Lisa. For some unaccountable reason, I am the cause of many of his sighs, and I can tell you they are capable of making strong men weep or at least check to see if the tires of their cars are leaking. His sighs convey the overall theme of “my brother is nuts and why am I burdened with him” with layers of such emotions as “life is a mystery of sadness and joy” and “geese fly south in the winter as the year moves toward its end.”
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
"To A Fault"
Whenever something terrible happens, you should always ask yourself, “Is Stephen okay?” If so, then it’s not that terrible. At least not for me, and I’m sure we all agree that’s what’s really important. Naturally, I’m concerned about you, too, and will do anything to help you—as long as I’m not greatly inconvenienced or busy or my favorite shows aren’t on TV. I have to have priorities, which I know you understand because I’m such a high priority for you.To a judgmental person, it might possibly sound like I’m self absorbed, but let’s be honest, if you were as awesome as me—if that were even possible, and frankly, it’s not—you’d be self-absorbed, too. I’m definitely marvelous. People are fascinated by me, particularly doctors who want to study me in a specially controlled environment.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Sunday, July 08, 2018
"Those Whom Gods Would Destroy…Publish First"
It recently occurred to me that people do foolish things all the time. Even now someone is thinking about running for president, which is doubly silly since no sane person wants that job and the next presidential election has already been decided by our alien overlords. But be that as it may, I was thinking about those people who wake up one day and say, “I’d like to publish a book!” And even though that only leads to madness and worse, off they go.I speak from experience. I’m in the middle of publishing a book right now. It’s been nearly three years since my last publication, mostly because it took me that long to recover. However, my creditors were hounding me again, and I embarked on another publishing voyage somewhat similar to that undertaken by the Titanic, but more tragic since it involves me.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Saturday, July 07, 2018
"Je ne parle pas Français!*"
I keep trying to learn French even though it’s obvious I will never master it with enough expertise to not horrify a Frenchman. I once had dinner in a French restaurant and attempted to impress the waiter with my French. With an expression on his face like he had a severe case of constipation, he attempted to repeat my order to me in bad English while I attempted to correct him in bad French. I would have gone hungry except the menu had pictures on it, so I was able to point at items and received excellent food. I’m not sure what it was, but it used a lot of garlic, cream, and butter, and how could you go wrong with that?I don’t even know why I want to learn French. I have no particular desire to travel to France, although it seems lovely and they did give us the Statue of Liberty, which is much nicer than a gift card but not as easy to carry.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Friday, July 06, 2018
From "Floozy Comes Back"
You all know Hamlet by William Shakespeare is one of the greatest plays ever written. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can go to bed knowing you learned one thing today.
You may be surprised to also learn I am not a fan of the play. Oh, I recognize the genius of it, and it has one of the most famous and moving soliloquies ever written (To be or not to be....) but frankly it doesn’t have a role for Dolly Parton, and I don’t like plays that preclude the chance of casting her.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Monday, July 02, 2018
From "Floozy Comes Back"
What Did You Say?I’ve been accused of not paying attention more than once in my life. By teachers, parents, siblings, girlfriends, friends who are girls, just plain friends, fellow employees, teammates, etc., and who say I’m the poster child for Adult Attention Deficit Syndrome. I think it’s time to explain this once and for all—if I’m not paying attention, it’s because you’re not being interesting. If you’d step up your game, I’d be with you more.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Sunday, July 01, 2018
From "Floozy Comes Back"
At the gym—yes, I was at the gym; that shocked expression doesn’t look good on you—I was asked what my fitness goal was. And I answered promptly, “I want to be one of those obnoxious skinny people.” You know the ones I mean: they eat like starving pigs, but they never gain weight. In fact, they are so used to their incredible metabolism that burns fat like a Congressman spends money that they are baffled by people who are overweight.
From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
"What Are You Reading?"
Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Saturday, June 09, 2018
"Country Life"
Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Friday, June 08, 2018
"Unexpected"
Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Thursday, June 07, 2018
"Random Act of Kindness"
Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Wednesday, June 06, 2018
"Autumn Sonnet"
Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
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