And I'm back. Had my CT scan today. It went fine other than a very upset stomach caused by the radioactive dye they injected in me. Won't know anything about what it showed if anything until next week. Then maybe I'll get some answers. Or if not, more tests. I'm rather tired of tests.
Rather tired of everything today. A bit discouraging to spend $1,200 and not have anything FUN to show for it. I should at least have a tattoo or something. This whole health care thing is weighing me down. I had hoped to pay off all my credit cards this year and make a substantial dent in my second mortgage. In my plan, I had hoped to pay off my second mortgage next year, and then be out of debt completely. Not going to happen now. If only I had health insurance. If only I could get it. If only I had asked to be tested for diabetes years ago. If only I hadn't given up on my relationship with S.G. back in college. If only I had made other decisions. If only I had another life. If only.
Well, I don't. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work. Tomorrow I will walk at the Family Life Center. Tomorrow I'll try to figure out ways to bring Murder by the Acre to people's attention and sell a few more books. Tomorrow I'll pick everything up again. Tomorrow.
Tonight I'm going to watch Leno and The Last of the Summer Wine and then go to bed. Where, if I'm lucky, I won't dream. Dreams can kill you. They bring hope, and hope is cruel. Tonight I'm too tired for hope. Tomorrow I'll hope again. And dream. And plan and work and generally be the original bump-n-go boy. But that's tomorrow.
Tonight I'm going to sign off now. Talk to you soon.
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6 comments:
We must be under the same dark cloud...
I think it is lack of sun. I want to go outside and ride horses today and I have to sit at a desk and run tests. But hey i have a job so far so I should be happy.
Roen
I hope you get positive results. I'm sorry about it setting your debt reduction plan back, but you will persevere and triumph. I'm confident of that.
I hadn't realized Stephen was the first Christian martyr. What were your parents thinking? It's a beautiful name, but I hope they weren't planning on martyring you. Has that ever been a point of reflection for you? As for the customer, I can only shake my head is frustration for you.
I know my dad named me, but I really have no idea why. I have appreciated through the years that "Jean" is a somewhat gender-neutral name, and in the early years as gender-equality has been gaining a foothold, I've appreciated the "cover."
FF, the sun will break through.
Roen, I'm getting lots of sun and I also have my "natural" sunlamp. That seems to help.
Jean, thank you for your support. Yes, over the years, knowing that my parents deliberately named me for the first Christian martyr -- as opposed to just liking the name -- has given me pause. Possibly it's what has influenced me to speak out on issues when it would be wiser or at least safer to keep my mouth shut!
So, maybe they had a plan after all. If you find it a source of strength to do what is right, then they did well.
Maybe, Jean. But I remember as a child hearing the story of Stephen for the first time. I was quite sick when they got to the part when he was stoned to death. And when he looked up and saw Jesus, I thought God was going to rescue him. When God didn't, I threw up. I always felt betrayed by that. Naturally I eventually learned the point of the story, but I still remember that feeling of loss and confusion when I realized sometimes the good guy loses down here.
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