"Catchy Tune, but Can You Cuss to It?

The other day I heard a song on the radio. It had a catchy beat and noises that vaguely sounded like words. I liked it—right up until I got home and looked up the lyrics. Then I hunted down the singers, washed their dirty mouths out with lye soap, enrolled the boys in military school, and sent the girl singer to a nunnery. Then I shot their record producer and dropped his body in an alligator-filled swamp. Just a regular Saturday for me actually.

I think this means I am officially old and not in tune with modern music. In fact, I’m only a few years away from sitting on my porch and yelling for the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, those young snotfaces with their iPhone this and iPad that. They’re going to be mighty surprised when my iCane impacts their smart-alecky heads. They’ll probably run home crying, “iHurt! iHurt! iHurt!” Whiners. Or more correctly iWhiners.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Travels with Floozy

Okay, I really haven't been jealous of Floozy's world travels until now. Isn't this lovely? She's visiting the beautiful Lake Louise located in the Banff National Park in Alberta Canada. Lake Louise is one of the most visited lakes in Canada, and you can see why. #FloozyCB

"Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

"Tattoo Buyer Regret" AKA "Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

A friend of mine got her first tattoo recently. She had wanted one for years, she told me, and she finally took the plunge. (Plunge being an apt word choice in this instance, as you will see if you keep reading and why wouldn’t you? It’s not like you have much of a social life.)

She wanted something “tasteful but cheerful.” She found an illustration of those charming but theologically unsound cherubs painted by the Renaissance artist Raphael and decided one of those cute winged angels would permanently fly on her left shoulder. She priced various tattoo artists and located one with the lowest prices. His establishment was clean, and he was courteous and professional. All in all, an unremarkable event, except she probably should have found an artist who charged more.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Floozy arrives!

My copies of Floozy Comes Back are here! Woohoo! Now, what does that mean for her online debut? I don't know. I'm not sure either is connected, but I have my copies! So that's good!

London calling...

Sweet land of Goshen...that's Big Ben, isn't it? Floozy is in London. She's getting around more than Doctor Who. #FloozyCB

Floozy in Paris

Seriously, Floozy, Paris?! You're in Paris? Any chance that's Paris, Arkansas? Sigh. I do like the beret, though.

Floozy goes skiing!

I thought when Floozy said she wanted to go skiiing, she meant water skiing! I don't even think that mountain range is in the United States. No wonder she asked about frequent flyer miles!

My mistake

Because I made the mistake of saying this day couldn't get any worse, Floozy Comes Back ran into a problem at the publisher. It's fixed, but it's off schedule now. I know she will go on sale on Lulu.com on the 30th. I'm hoping Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BAM!, and the others will also have her on sale that day. If not, they will have her the first or second week of August. Right now, they're saying they will "attempt" to hit the July 30th date. We'll see. Of course, I will have my copies by then so the local folks will be able to get it. There's no particular charm about the 30th, but it happens to be my birthday and I thought it would be a cool thing to have her premiere on that day. Okay, universe, you proved your point. I won't say that particular phrase ever again!

Oh, here's Floozy under the island palms. Where I'd like to be.

"The Fine Art of Sighing"

My old computer died. You would have thought I lost a beloved pet by the way I moped around my house for a couple of weeks. During that time, my answer to any question was a sigh of despair with a hint of brave long-suffering and a touch of woe-is-me. It was one of my finest series of sighs.

Not that I’m the master of sighing. No, that title belongs to my brother. He can create sighs that are the verbal equivalent of the Mona Lisa. For some unaccountable reason, I am the cause of many of his sighs, and I can tell you they are capable of making strong men weep or at least check to see if the tires of their cars are leaking. His sighs convey the overall theme of “my brother is nuts and why am I burdened with him” with layers of such emotions as “life is a mystery of sadness and joy” and “geese fly south in the winter as the year moves toward its end.”

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"To A Fault"

Whenever something terrible happens, you should always ask yourself, “Is Stephen okay?” If so, then it’s not that terrible. At least not for me, and I’m sure we all agree that’s what’s really important. Naturally, I’m concerned about you, too, and will do anything to help you—as long as I’m not greatly inconvenienced or busy or my favorite shows aren’t on TV. I have to have priorities, which I know you understand because I’m such a high priority for you.

To a judgmental person, it might possibly sound like I’m self absorbed, but let’s be honest, if you were as awesome as me—if that were even possible, and frankly, it’s not—you’d be self-absorbed, too. I’m definitely marvelous. People are fascinated by me, particularly doctors who want to study me in a specially controlled environment.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"Those Whom Gods Would Destroy…Publish First"

It recently occurred to me that people do foolish things all the time. Even now someone is thinking about running for president, which is doubly silly since no sane person wants that job and the next presidential election has already been decided by our alien overlords. But be that as it may, I was thinking about those people who wake up one day and say, “I’d like to publish a book!” And even though that only leads to madness and worse, off they go.

I speak from experience. I’m in the middle of publishing a book right now. It’s been nearly three years since my last publication, mostly because it took me that long to recover. However, my creditors were hounding me again, and I embarked on another publishing voyage somewhat similar to that undertaken by the Titanic, but more tragic since it involves me.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"Je ne parle pas Français!*"

I keep trying to learn French even though it’s obvious I will never master it with enough expertise to not horrify a Frenchman. I once had dinner in a French restaurant and attempted to impress the waiter with my French. With an expression on his face like he had a severe case of constipation, he attempted to repeat my order to me in bad English while I attempted to correct him in bad French. I would have gone hungry except the menu had pictures on it, so I was able to point at items and received excellent food. I’m not sure what it was, but it used a lot of garlic, cream, and butter, and how could you go wrong with that?

I don’t even know why I want to learn French. I have no particular desire to travel to France, although it seems lovely and they did give us the Statue of Liberty, which is much nicer than a gift card but not as easy to carry.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

Hamlet or Another Four Hours I Won’t Get Back

You all know Hamlet by William Shakespeare is one of the greatest plays ever written. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can go to bed knowing you learned one thing today.

You may be surprised to also learn I am not a fan of the play. Oh, I recognize the genius of it, and it has one of the most famous and moving soliloquies ever written (To be or not to be....) but frankly it doesn’t have a role for Dolly Parton, and I don’t like plays that preclude the chance of casting her.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

What Did You Say?

I’ve been accused of not paying attention more than once in my life. By teachers, parents, siblings, girlfriends, friends who are girls, just plain friends, fellow employees, teammates, etc., and who say I’m the poster child for Adult Attention Deficit Syndrome. I think it’s time to explain this once and for all—if I’m not paying attention, it’s because you’re not being interesting. If you’d step up your game, I’d be with you more.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

My Fitness Goal—and, Yes, I DO Have One

        At the gym—yes, I was at the gym; that shocked expression doesn’t look good on you—I was asked what my fitness goal was. And I answered promptly, “I want to be one of those obnoxious skinny people.” You know the ones I mean: they eat like starving pigs, but they never gain weight. In fact, they are so used to their incredible metabolism that burns fat like a Congressman spends money that they are baffled by people who are overweight.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"What Are You Reading?"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Country Life"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Unexpected"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Random Act of Kindness"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Autumn Sonnet"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Naked Scalloped Potatoes"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Incident on Orwell Street"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"Melting Away"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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"The Thanksgiving Tree"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!

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New Anthology Released!

OKLAHOMA—The writing group Prosateurs announces the publication of the judged anthology Prosateurs: Tales & Truth. The anthology features short stories, recipes, humor, memoirs, poetry, devotionals, articles, and other works from the group’s members. It’s now available from Prosateurs members and online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, and other retailers.

Author Kathy Akins won Best of the Book with a memoir of her mother’s battle with dementia. “It was honest, sincere, and well-written,” said Submissions Judge Gail Henderson. “A reader both sympathizes and learns from it.”

Henderson co-wrote the poetry collection Undying. She collaborated with noted Oklahoma photographer Michael Duncan to produce Bare, a book of poetry and photography that explores the enigma of womanhood in the world. She wrote Red Bird Woman, a collection of her poetry under the name Gail Wood. Her work has appeared in Blackbirds First Flight, Blackbirds Second Flight, Blackbirds Third Flight, Creations 2012-2014 and ByLine Magazine. She holds a Masters of Education in English and Social Studies from East Central University. Currently she serves on the Board of Directors for Lake Superior Writers, Duluth, Minnesota.

For more information, visit Prosateurs.blogspot.com.

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The anthology authors include:

Kathy Akins has won several awards with her poetry, devotionals, and short fiction. Her works were published in Blackbirds Third Flight and the Creations anthologies 2014-2015. A love for history, family, and animals inspires her stories. She lives in Oklahoma and shares her home with miniature long-haired dachshunds and a rescued Catahoula. Her dachshunds assist her when she presents educational programs for children in her capacity as an American Kennel Club (AKC) Canine Ambassador. She is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc., Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, and American Christian Fiction Writers. Visit kathyakins.blogspot.com.

Debbie Anderson wrote the novel Friend or Foe in 2018. A longtime storyteller, she has written stories since she was a child. The oldest of eight children she used these stories to entertain her siblings. She spent eighteen years in the travel industry. As a result she has been to nearly every state and six countries. She left the travel business after 9/11. Since then she has written business documents such as manuals and procedures for the electronic and oil industries. She writes short stories, memoirs, novels, children’s stories, and how-to books. She has been published in Creations 2017.

Stephen B. Bagley co-wrote the poetry collection Undying. He wrote Murder by Dewey Decimal, Murder by the Acre, Tales from Bethlehem, Floozy and Other Stories, and EndlesS. He wrote the plays Murder at the Witch’s Cottage and Two Writers in the Hands of an Angry God and co-wrote Turnabout, Hogwild, and There’s A Body in the Closet. His writings have appeared in Writer’s Digest, Blackbirds First Flight, Blackbirds Second Flight, Blackbirds Third Flight, ByLine Magazine, Nautilus Magazine, Tulsa World OKMagazine, and other publications. He graduated from Oklahoma State University. He is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. Visit StephenBBagley.blogspot.com.

Kelley Benson is a pastor who has a passion for using everyday opportunities to help people recognize how God works in their lives. He and his wife Jade are raising their  children to see how God should be part of everything people do. Since 1997, he has participated in a wide range of ministries and been involved with the investment industry, the insurance industry, teaching, and carpentry. He published On Target, a book of devotionals, and writes a weekly newsletter. His articles were published in Creations 2013-2015. He is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. Visit kelleybenson.blogspot.com.

Nita Beshear began writing as a young child. If her family wasn't moving from one state to another, they were moving across town. Stories gave her continuity. Her friends in her stories went with her to every new home. Beshear writes nonfiction, historical novels, and short stories. Her books include Devoted to Quilting and Beyond the Grief: A Widow's Survival Guide. Her fiction appeared in Romance-The Spice of Life. She is a member of the Material Girls (the Allen Oklahoma Quilters), McAlester McSherry Writers, Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc., and Duncan and Okmulgee Toastmasters. Visit nitabeshear.wordpress.com.

Wendy Blanton published the novels, The Dragon’s Lady, Rogue Pawn, and Sword and Scabbard, under the name Elizabeth Joy. Her short stories appeared in Blackbirds First Flight, Blackbirds Second Flight, and Blackbirds Third Flight. She writes novels and short stories in several genres. She graduated from the University of Mount Olive, North Carolina, and served in the United States Air Force. An apprentice bard, she tells Celtic folk tales at Scottish Highland Games and other venues. She and her husband are members of the Clan Campbell Society. She is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. Visit wendyblanton.wordpress.com.

D. E. Chandler wrote the thriller Bone Sliver. In 2013, her poem, “Oppenheimer” and her short story “One Way Window” won honorable mention and publication in Outside the Lines. In 2015, her poem “Carroll After Dark” won first place and publication in the Tulsa Review’s 2015 Spring contest issue. Her works were also published in Blackbirds Third Flight, The Green Country Guardian, The Sapulpa Herald, and Sapulpa News and Views. She graduated from Rogers State University. She lives with her husband Tom in Oklahoma. She is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. and Oklahoma Women Bloggers. Visit dechandlerwrites.com.

Barbara Shepherd has received more than 300 writing awards. She is the Oklahoma 2017 Voice of the Fair Poet, a Lone Stars Poet, a Woody Guthrie Poet, and a former Nominee for Poet Laureate of the State of Oklahoma. Shepherd served as a field editor for Taste of Home and contributed to other magazines, including: Outlook, Oklahoma D.O., Oklahoma Woman, Edmond Life and Leisure, Bella, and ArtBeat. Her books include: The Potbelly Pig Promise, River Bend, Vittles and Vignettes, and Patchwork Skin. Her writing appeared in: Women’s War Memoirs, Heavenly Patchwork, Voices In Time, and numerous other publications. Visit barbarashepherd.com.

Joanne Verbridge was born in Oakland, California, spending her early life experiences in Northern California. Family brought her to Oklahoma where she enjoys writing memoirs and crafting. She works to inspire her young nieces to take an interest in story telling and writing. Her memoirs, short stories, and articles have been published in Oklahoma newspapers and in the Creations anthologies 2012-2015.

How to say it

A friend asked me how to pronounce "Prosateurs."
It's "Pros uh tours."
It simply means "a writer of prose."

Motto

You may have noticed that the motto of this blog has changed. It was "No good deed goes unpunished or revenged." It's now Hay que poner un poco de locura a veces en la cordura. Translated: "You sometimes need to interject a little madness into the sanity."

I came across this Cuban saying in a recent Smithsonian article about historian Eusebio Leal who lay down in front of steamrollers to keep them from asphalting over a rare wooden street. That took place in 1967. Leal is now the official historian of the city of Havana and responsible for saving many historical buildings and revitalizing Havana. An amazing man, but I'm not sure I would think of him as insane as much as driven.

Another word for driven is committed. I think anyone in a creative endeavor has to have that commitment. We only have so much time in this world; every choice we make means another choice isn't made. Our choices have to move us toward our goals, whether it's to write a book or paint a landscape or save a building.

Although I do think getting in front of a steamroller in Cuba--not a place that encourages civil disobedience even now--might have a touch of insanity about it. Or maybe an overwhelming commitment.

Coming in May!

This should go on sale in May. Don't have the exact date, but will share, of course, when I do. It has a couple of articles and short stories in it by me. Excited to see my works among the others. The submissions judge did a great job in selecting the best from the submissions. (Although she didn't select several of my submissions. Sigh.) The anthology has articles, memoirs, short stories, poetry, and even recipes! Good writing from good authors. Anyway, here's the cover! #PT&T #Prosateurs

Last Day of April

The year is speeding by. Worries me how quickly time is passing. It seems when I was younger, a year was an impossibly long time. Now, I turn my head, and it blurs by. Either time is speeding up—not entirely impossible by our current understanding of physics as long as we don't equate time with light—or my perception of time is off. After all, a day is a day is a day...to paraphrase Stein a bit. 

Anyway, April is almost gone. What a strange April it has been. Our Oklahoma weather jumped from freezing to sweaty in the space of a day or two. Then repeated. And repeated a few more times. We seem finally to be past the temperature fluctuations, but now we're looking at possible tornadoes this week. Weather in the state has always been unexpected, but this is pushing it even for us.

Possibly this is a manifestation of climate change. Hard to know since climate change mostly talks about global changes, which will affect various areas, but the science is imprecise in what exactly those changes will be. None of the discussed changes, by the way, are ones that will create a paradise. No, they’re ones that will cause our grandchildren to hold us in contempt.

Whether such changes in the weather are possible for us to control or to mitigate...I don’t know. Okay, yes, we can, but we lack the will to make those changes. As long as the will is lacking, we will continue to have discussions about climate change until the time for doing anything is long gone. 

Setting that aside, it should be an interesting week here. Time for us to watch the sky.

Angel over the ape

We might not create Eden, but it doesn't have to be a wasteland. We can take a compassionate, reasoned, pragmatic approach to life. We can do what we can to make the world better and trust that others will pick up where we falter. We each day must choose the angel over the ape.

A Way Forward

A Hard Truth: If the sides in a political conflict don't give the other side a way forward, then a political equation is reduced to they're wrong, we're right. And that will never lead to a path forward because the defeated side will not support the way chosen. As long as we see problems as Us vs. Them, it is an equation that leads to societal destruction and misery. Somehow, we have to open our tables to everyone.

As Christians, it is our responsibility to open our table to everyone. To set a place for those we disagree with. To allow them to disagree with us and still break bread with them. The politicians--Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Greens, Tea Party, Coffee Party, etc.--want to reduce our interactions into heroes and villains. That simplistic view makes "compromise" into a naughty word and allows them--they think--the ability to control the public.

It's up to us to find a way forward. It doesn't include memes. It doesn't include fake news. It doesn't include personal attacks. It doesn't include lies. It doesn't include fake science.

It does include us. Every broken one of us. It means learning how to draw together instead of drawing apart. It means trying to understand other people and seeing their views. It means we will not get everything we want, but we can get what we really need. We cannot remake Eden on Earth--that is true because there is evil that we must oppose--but we don't have to create Hell on earth, either.

It means being an adult and making adult decisions.

It's up to us to decide if we will be angel or ape.

Reciprocity

Was talking a friend yesterday who suffers from a common aliment in his marriage: He loves her more than she loves him. That mismatch in affection is painful, not that she doesn't love him, but she doesn't show it often.

I hear that a lot from my friends about their significant others. And I always tell them the same thing: Love doesn't carry with it any promise of equal reciprocity. Love just is, and it's a worthy thing to love even if they don't love you as much as you love them. It's a hard thing, but love also doesn't say it will be easy. Love is kind of a jerk at times.

Nectar

I can't be needing a Dr Pepper 10 this early in the morning. "There's something wrong about that," I say as I'm pouring the fizzing nectar over ice.

Day 2

How is your new year going? Broke your resolutions yet? I do like making resolutions and think it's good for me to think about how to be a better human, but I don't get too upset when I slip. Every day is new day and a new chance to do better. Almost a motivational poster, but not quite pithy enough.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I hope the new year blesses you and yours

with joy, peace, health, and wealth!

Stephen B. Bagley

Christmas Joke 15

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late Christmas Eve night when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told her, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer pondered this, then finally asked: "So, what's the catch?"

Boosting the Signal

Boosting the Signal: Back up your computer! Recently I heard that a writing friend's laptop died. I don't know what was lost, but I imagine lots of things. We all have precious photos and documents on our computers and phones now. BACK THEM UP! One of the easiest ways of doing this is by paying for Carbonite, an automatic backup system for computers. I use it and recommend it, but if you do use it, make sure you know what folders it's backing up, particularly if you use different folders than its presets. But there are other apps that will do that, also, for your computer and phone. (If you use a backup system, please share it in the comments.) Don't lose your digital memories.

Christmas Joke 14

A clergyman is walking down a country lane, enjoying the freshly fallen December snow, and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look exhausted, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come to my house and have a hot chocolate while I change to work clothes."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Christmas Joke 13

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends at Christmas. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became stuck. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane in a tractor. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer said to the husband, "You know, you're the 20th car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to tend your farm? At night?"

"No," the farmer replied. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Christmas Factoids 2

“The Nutcracker” is the most famous Christmas ballet and was used by the Chinese to break the

wills of political prisoners. It is outlawed by the Geneva Convention as is the playing of “Jingle Bells” more than 1,754,322 times during the holiday season.

If you received all of the gifts in the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” you would receive 364 presents, none of which you could return. By the way, why are there so many birds in that song? Doesn’t it seem fowl?

Holly berries are poisonous, which does explain why holly berry cookies aren’t popular even though there was a heavy marketing push for them during the 1950s. It joined the ranks of other failed food products: stone ground hemlock bread, foxglove fajitas, poop pie, and of course, green tea.

In 1843, A Christmas Carol was written by Charles Dickens in only six weeks. Many of us feel he should have taken more time with it and added some spaceships and several hot alien females.

Excerpted from Floozy and Other Stories on sale here:

Amazon

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Lulu

Bonus Christmas Joke 13

The traffic was terrible as Herman was driving down the freeway to the mall. Everyone was out shopping for Christmas presents, and they were driving like crazy people!

His cell phone rang. Answering through the car speakers, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Christmas Factoids 1

Christmas trees started in Germany in the 16th century. On Christmas Eve, Martin Luther was walking home under a starry sky, which was so beautiful he wanted to recreate its beauty for his children. He decorated a large evergreen with lit candles. He followed his creation of the "First Christmas Tree" with the development of the "First House Fire Caused by a Christmas Tree."

Since 1947, the people of Oslo, Norway, have given a Christmas tree every year to the city of Westminster, England. The gift expresses Norway’s gratitude for Britain’s help during World War II, despite the fact that the tree is never on Britain’s Christmas list. Britain would prefer a gift card.

The first president to decorate the white house Christmas tree in the United States was Franklin Pierce. This is the only notable thing Pierce did while in office and as such should be remembered, but not by me. I’ve already forgotten it. Franklin who?

Traditionally, Christmas trees are taken down after Epiphany or whenever the husband has been nagged beyond human endurance.

Excerpted from Floozy and Other Stories on sale here:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Lulu

Recommended book!

River Bend
By Barbara Shepherd
Historical - Belle Strong expected her husband to meet her when she stepped off the ferry in north Texas, but she was in for a surprise—her husband is dying. Pregnant and alone, she faces challenges along the Red River where her world includes fur trappers, Indians, and a rugged sea captain.
Jacob Owens spends most of his life on the high seas and is a self-proclaimed bachelor. But when a green-eyed beauty enters his world, he finds his thoughts drifting in different directions. Why can’t he stop thinking about her, and why is he trading fine beaver pelts for exquisite fabrics to surprise Belle to use in her quilting?
Can she protect her son in such an uncivilized country? Or will she be forced to rely on a complete stranger?

Buy on Amazon

Buy for Kindle

Buy from The Wild Rose Press

FCB Excerpt

If a woman asks you if you think another woman is pretty, the answer is simply “no.” I don’t care if a multitude of angels are singing the other woman’s name because of her glorious beauty, you say, “No.” If you can convincingly add, “She’s an ugly hag,” things will go even better.

But don’t get cute on this. A friend of mine and his wife went to a cocktail party, and afterwards, as they drove home, his wife casually asked if he thought a woman at the party that they knew from college was pretty.

He immediately said, “No. She has aged so badly.”

“Now, don’t be rude,” his wife said, slightly smiling and resting her hand on his knee.

Warmed by her approval, he stupidly continued, "It’s obvious she’s had her boobs done. They’re so perky and round.”

Poor guy.

-- From the forthcoming book Floozy Comes Back, copyright 2017 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

FCB Excerpt

"Many people are horrified the Pilgrims practiced pillorying, the act of fastening someone in a wooden framework in a public area so the Pilgrims could insult and demean them. You should remember this was long before Facebook and Twitter. The Pilgrims had to make do with what they had. And it was better to be pilloried in the New World than in the Old World. In the latter, they would throw rotten vegetables at the pilloryee. The Pilgrims had no food to spare for such fine sport and had to make do with mud, rocks, and—wait for it—dung. On second thought, it wasn’t better at all."
-- From the forthcoming Floozy Comes Back by Stephen B. Bagley. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved. 

FCB Excerpt

"Pumpkin spice is a powerful movement these days. You can find that spice in lipstick, candles, lotions, body sprays, perfumes, bath salts, shampoos, potpourri, air fresheners, facial tissue, toilet bowl cleaners, deodorant, sachets, dog biscuits, toothpaste, lip balms, and much more. And that doesn’t count all the pies, cakes, coffees, tarts, fried pies, muffins, and other desserts. There’s really something quite uncanny about it. It’s entirely possible that zombies want pumpkin spice brains, and vampires want pumpkin spice blood."
-- From the forthcoming Floozy Comes Back by Stephen B. Bagley. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved. 

Perfect for Halloween!

Blackbirds Second Flight 

Perfect for Halloween! 

Featuring thrilling stories and poetry from Stephen Bagley, Wendy Blanton,

Gail Henderson, Ken Lewis, 

Jean Schara, and Heath Stallcup!

Buy on Amazon!

Buy on Barnes & Noble! 

Buy on Books-A-Million!

A bit about the Blackbirds

The anthology Blackbirds First Flight featured stories from Stephen B. Bagley, Kent Bass, Wendy Blanton, Gail Henderson, Jean Schara, and Tamara Siler Jones.

To quote Pru Simmons: “Blackbirds First Flight is an anthology of stories and poetry with a dark, sensual twist. The stories run the gambit from thrilling Gothic adventure to modern urban fantasy to fantastic encounters with the macabre. The poetry is uniformly excellent and tells dark stories of its own, many related to mythology.”

Here's a bit about the authors:

Stephen B. Bagley wrote Tales from Bethlehem, Murder by Dewey Decimal, Murder by the Acre, Floozy & Other Stories, and EndlesS and co-authored Undying with Gail Henderson. His works have appeared in Writer's Digest, Creations 2014, Creations 2013, Creations 2012, ByLine Magazine, Free Star, Nautilus Magazine, OKMagazine, and other publications. He graduated from Oklahoma State University with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism. He is a member of Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. Visit https://stephenbbagley.blogspot.com for more info.

Kent Bass enjoys writing Gothic action/adventure stories. He graduated from Oklahoma State University with a Bachelor of Science in Business and from the University of Oklahoma, with a Master of Science in Accountancy. He and his family live in Dallas, Texas, where he works for the nation’s leading tax software company. Blackbirds First Flight was his first publication.

Wendy Blanton published three fantasy novels, The Dragon’s Lady, Rogue Pawn, and Sword and Scabbard under the pen name Elizabeth Joy with co-author Scott Carman. She has a Bachelor of Applied Science in Business Management from the University of Mount Olive and served in active duty for the United States Air Force for eight years. She is an apprentice bard and tells Celtic folk tales at Scottish Highland Games and other venues. Visit https://wendyblanton.wordpress.com for more info.

Gail Henderson co-authored Undying with Stephen B. Bagley. She collaborated with noted Oklahoma photographer Michael Duncan to produce Bare, a book of poetry and photography. Red Bird Woman, a collection of her poetry, was published in 2013. Her work has appeared in Creations 2014, Creations 2013, Creations 2012, and ByLine Magazine. She holds a Masters of Education in English and Social Studies from East Central University. Visit https://redbirdwoman.blogspot.com for more info.

Tamara Siler Jones is a wife, mom, writer, quilter, and cat-wrangler from rural Iowa. She has numerous novels in print/eBook, including Ghosts in the Snow, winner of the Compton Crook Award for best first novel of the year in the Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror genre; Threads of Malice; Valley of the Soul; SPORE; and the newly released Morgan's Run. Visit http://www.tamara-jones.net for more info.

Jean Schara retired from a 28-year career in the United States Air Force in 2008 and took up residence in Texas. She is a graduate of the University of Maryland University College with a Bachelor of Arts in Professional Writing and of the Troy State University with a Master of Science in Adult Education. She has had several book reviews published in the Air Power Journal and several articles published in Vision: A Resource for Writers. Visit http://pmtoo.jeanschara.com journal for more info.

Blackbirds First Flight is available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Lulu, and other online retailers. Visit https://blackbirdsflights.blogspot.com for more info.

Perfect for Halloween!

Enjoy stories and poems from authors 

Stephen B. Bagley, Kent Bass, Wendy Blanton, 

Gail Henderson, Jean Schara, and Tamara Siler Jones

in this dark, thrilling anthology!

Buy Blackbirds First Flight at Amazon!

Buy Blackbirds First Flight at Barnes & Noble!
Buy Blackbirds First Flight at Lulu!

Interesting idea

Apparently, Walmart is testing a program where it delivers groceries to your fridge even when you're not home. As long as it pays for them, too, I could support this. And what about cooking the food, too? Come on, Walmart, step up!

Autumn come quickly

I am so looking forward to that first hard freeze of autumn...that nip in the air, the changing leaves, the crunching sound made by the tiny frozen bodies of mosquitoes as I walk down the lane...autumn...time for you to come now.

Horse to water...

You cannot help people who don't want to be helped. Why is it so hard for me to remember this and to accept it? Maybe it's the sheer illogical thinking that I rebel against. Why would someone choose ugliness instead of something better? My brain refuses to comprehend it.

We're all in this together

I think it's important in this day and time to remember we're all part of the United States. We're one family going into the future together. And most importantly, you're completely wrong.

I do

I want tacos. The sheer ridiculousness of wanting them at this time of night.... But I do want them. Three of them. Maybe four.

And no, I'm not driving to Taco Bell at midnight. My diabetes nurse would lecture me within an inch of my life. Not that I would care as long as my mouth was stuffed with tacos!

Visiting the Pope

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer met the Pope on Sunday. One assumes it was for an exorcism....

Cafe Stephen

The weather was so pleasant last night. Cool. Calm. The only sound was the slurping noise as the mosquitoes sucked my blood...and the smacking noises as they licked their tiny mosquito lips...hmmmmmm good blood, they buzzed.... I think I might be delirious from blood loss.

Misinformed

Hmm. I thought the eclipse was supposed to make people go crazy and strip off their clothes and run up the streets, shouting, "Bumpdabump my baby woogie woogie." Well, now I just feel awkward....

Jungle creatures

      Tomorrow morning, I will get up, and despite personal failures, diabetes, family tragedies and illness, rotten health, global warming, riots in the streets, the sun burning out in five million or so years, I'll still be right here.
      Praying, hoping, believing against all intelligent thoughts otherwise, striving, writing, dreaming unreasonable unlikely things, losing, winning, loving for all the wrong reasons...
      Living.
      Still here.
      I'll still be here.
     You be here, too.

Eleanor: We're jungle creatures, Henry, and the dark is all around us. See them ... in the corners? You can see their eyes.
Henry: And they can see ours. I'm a match for anything. Aren't you?
(From The Lion In Winter by James Goldman)

Turn the page

Closing The Book

By Stephen B. Bagley

It surprised me when I swept off

all the books on the shelf. I thought

I had long since spent my passion

in purchasing your faithless heart.

You feel uncertain of our life,

you tell me. What you mean is your

better love than me may still be

out there. Why settle for less here?

So go. Leaving is how you show

how little you care, how little

you understand the rarity

of love in this non-fiction world.

If this were a story, you would

come back broken, and I would let

you love me or even better

introduce you to my new love.

Since this is not, I will pick up

the scattered books and set them back

on the shelf, being careful to set

yours to one side to box later.

.

Excerpt from Undying by Stephen B. Bagley & Gail Henderson. 

Copyright 2015. All rights reserved. 

Purchase Undying at Amazon

Purchase Undying at Barnes and Noble

"Places I'd Rather Be"

Places I'd Rather Be 
By Stephen B. Bagley

On a beach --

No, on a beach with white sand --

Wait, on a beach with white sand and the only sound the ocean --

Hey, on a beach with white sand and the only sound the ocean and a tall cold fruity umbrellaed drink in my hand --

Yes, on a beach with white sand and the only sound the ocean and a tall cold fruity umbrellaed drink in my hand as I lounge in the shade beneath palm trees and you walk toward me, smiling, the sun glistening on your wet skin as you rise out of the waves ...

In your arms.

(Copyright 2017 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. From the forthcoming book "Eternal." Thank you for reading.)

Weary

Do you ever feel inexpressibly weary of this world's stupidity? Or really just the stupidity of man? No, I'm not throwing in the towel on us yet, but I remain astonished and dismayed by the utter and complete disregard for true science and true faith that is rampant these days. We have set ourselves up as little gods, and the reckoning will be terrible. God really doesn't have to do anything for us to destroy us in an apocalypse; we'll do it all on our own.

We'll blame Him, of course. We always do when bad things happen, even though many of these disasters are the result of our bad planning and bad decisions, but we won't take the blame for not installing tornado shelters, for not moving populations away from earthquake and tsunami zones, for not following safety standards in food and buildings, by not addressing inequities in food and wealth so that children don't starve to death, for letting hate-filled demagogues win our political offices, for not stewarding our environmental resources so that we can be sure our children's children's children will still have farmland and forests.... You can easily add to this list of disasters. They're all our decisions. It's easier, cheaper, faster to make bad decisions now. After all, we can always blame God later on.

I think the biggest tribute to God's love and mercy is that He hasn't swept us off this earth already. If I were God, I know...as I watch the news about North Korea, Charlottesville, Burkina Faso, Wisconsin...I know I would be sorely tempted.

And this is why I rarely watch the news, Alice. Now you know.

A religious ramble

A good friend of mine has said that she has reached the age where she doesn't have to associate with people she doesn't like or simply doesn't enjoy. I understand this. I think time and self-respect do the same for most of us. However, it does mean when I don't hear from her in a while, I wonder if I'm in that group now. :)

The danger in this may be if you're basing your choices on skin color or race or other superficial qualities. There's much to be said for going outside what you usually enjoy. We grow in that way. She isn't basing her choices on that so don't think I'm taking a potshot at her. In fact, in many ways, I've done that, too, in my life, but I try to ensure I'm including a diversity of friends in who I'm keeping.

One subset that I've been dropping is people who blame the world and circumstances for their problems instead of realizing their decisions have consequences. I want to point out a common error in so-called Christian thinking--the Bible never says God will rescue you from the troubles caused by what you did on this earth; He promises to be with you throughout and will welcome you into His care after your life is over, but He's not a genie granting your every little wish.

I call such thinking "The Gumball God." We put in a prayer, and we expect a blessing as easy and simple as that. Just like putting a quarter into a gumball machine, out pops our blessing. We're busy in attempting to make God into something we can control or at least understand. We keep trying to put Infinite into the Finite and are frustrated when God just doesn't fit.

One of my ways of looking at God is He is the ultimate artist. He made this beautiful world filled with mountains, oceans, forests, humans, animals, and so much more. Like any artist, He doesn't like it when people destroy His art. A good way to make decisions might be to ask yourself if what you're doing is making His art more beautiful or if it is marring His work. It's how I try to live my life. I fail often, but it's what I aim for.

Yes, I've wandered all over the place in this. Hope you enjoyed the ramble.

I'm a tree

My diabetes nurse has this chart where she logs your weight and then figures out how tall you should be. Apparently, I should be a Redwood.

Unsent Letter

Dear Diet,
Our relationship is in terrible trouble. You're bland and boring, and I can't stop cheating on you with Little Debbie.
Worried,
Me

My inner voice

My diabetes education nurse says we all have an "inner fatty" who talks to us. Mine talks all the time, and I must say he has many tasty ideas.

Seriously

Autocorrect is a terrible nuisance. The other day I tried to order "salad" and autocorrect changed it to "four tacos and an order of nachos." They really need to get that drive-in microphone fixed.

Doctor's orders

Well, my doctor told me that I cannot host dinners for six people. Unless, of course, the other five people are actually there eating their share of the food. Spoilsport.

Problem

So sad. I saw my coffee cup by my desk and I thought maybe there was coffee left in it because I usually take it to the sink when I finish the cup so I raised it up and it was empty.... Sigh. It's actually too late to be drinking coffee if I want to sleep--and I do despite what you may have heard--but I thought a swallow or two wouldn't hurt. But it was empty. Then I thought I would share this because the world is facing real problems and so am I. I should probably do a Facebook post, too....

Good Advice

It's hard to find a friend who is intelligent, handsome, funny, charming, humble, and kind...so y'all shouldn't misplace me. Who knows when you'd be lucky enough to find someone like me again?

Wish someone would try

Listen, you can't buy my love, really you can't...but you sure can buy a whole lot of liking from me

Wednesday Night Writers Discuss Aging Characters

"What I want to know is why every older person in a book either has to be filled with wisdom or is decrepit," Faraway said. "What's wrong with having a mature person who is just like the other characters in the book -- messed up and passionate."

Divine looked startled. "Passionate?"

Faraway frowned at her. "Don't tell me that you believe old people don't have sex."

"I believe they do, but I try not to think about it," Aromance muttered. She shuddered.

"America is aging," Faraway said, glaring at Aromance. "The Baby Boomers are going to be in their sixties and seventies soon. They won't be content to wither away quietly. Books should reflect that, and they don't. Instead, books feature young people. TV shows feature young people. Movies feature young people. Listen, kiddies, I don't worship in the cult of youth. I never met a teenager yet that could carry on a decent conversation about anything important."

"The blueberry muffins I brought have fiber added," Cookbookins said. "And we each get two. TWO. No more, no less." She held up two fingers.

"Did you say two?" Realer asked, with a smirk. He waggled three fingers at her.

"I think fiction will change to accommodate an older audience," Begenre said. "I've recently read several mysteries that feature sleuths in their sixties and seventies. I think fiction overall will reflect an active maturity as we see more vital people in real life who are in their sixties and seventies. Remember, it's only been in the past few decades that medicine has allowed people to live longer and healthier lives."

"TV is to blame," Eongo said.

The others sighed.

"Even I can see that TV isn't the greatest evil on earth," Divine said. "And I write letters protesting that degenerate MTV all the time."

"No, listen to me," Eongo said. "Advertisers want to buy advertising on programs that target young people because young people spend more on disposable items."

"Like bling," Faraway said.

"Exactly," Eongo said. "So networks and television studies make shows that feature young people because those are the ones that make the most advertising revenue. Remember what happened to Murder She Wrote when it was placed opposite of Friends?"

"I saw those shows on NetFlix, I think," Teenwriter said, uncertainly. "Don't any of you watch Game of Thrones?"

"That was more of an audience decision," Begenre said. "More people wanted to watch Friends than Murder She Wrote. You can't blame the networks for that. They're only giving the public what they want."

"I can blame them and do," Eongo said. "They create the demand for the shows. They only show us programs with young people so people are influenced by those shows to want more shows with young people. They create the demand for youth-oriented shows and so they produce youth-oriented shows and that creates more demand for other youth-oriented shows. It's a vicious circle."

"If the choice is between older people and hot young people like Matthew Perry, the hot young people are always going to be the audience's choice," Aromance said.

"Angela Lansbury was just as hot as Courtney Cox," Eongo declared.

Realer spewed muffin across the room as he coughed. Begenre thumped him on the back.

"Seriously, do any of you watch Netflix?" Teenwriter asked. 'And who is Matthew Perry?"

"Just because you wasted a good muffin doesn't mean you get another one," Cookbookins said.

"That's my point," Eongo said, pointing at Realer. "We've been conditioned to think youth people are desirable. What's wrong with showing older people who are desirable?"

"I'm not sure that has anything to do with fiction," Begenre said. "I think it has to do with babies."

"Babies?" Eongo asked.

"Throughout history, men have wanted younger wives because they could produce more babies," Begenre said. "If you believe in evolution, then we have a biological need to reproduce, and so we orient toward young people because they can have more babies than an older person can."

Divine frowned at the mention of evolution.

"Then you saying fiction will continue to feature young people," Faraway said. "That's unacceptable."

"I agree," Divine said. "We are more than biology." She looked at Begenre. "Much more. Fiction doesn't just reflect reality; it can also shape reality. As writers, we have a responsibility to write books that uplift the readers and change their values in a positive way. To claim that you're only giving the public what it wants is to cater to the lowest common denominator. It's using your writing gift simply to profit yourself and not others. Great fiction challenges the reader. It helps them grow."

"It's like chocolate-dipped pineapple chunks," Cookbookins said, shaking the crumbs of a muffin off her dress.

The others looked at her.

"See, I was dipping strawberries in chocolate for my niece's wedding reception," Cookbookins said. "But I didn't have enough strawberries because the store was out. So I looked around my kitchen and saw several cans of pineapple chunks. I drained the chunks and then dipped them in chocolate." She smiled at the group.

A pause.

"I don't quite follow you," Begenre said slowly. "How does that relate?"

Cookbookins sighed. "Isn't it obvious? I wrote in my newspaper column about using pineapple for dipping, and several of my readers wrote in to tell me that they had tried it and liked it, too. I wrote about it yesterday. Doesn't anyone read my column?"

"I haven't had a chance," Faraway said. "But I will as soon as I go home."

"I don't take the paper," Begenre muttered.

"My point is that by writing what I did, I influenced my readers to do the same," Cookbookins said. "So I -- how did you put it? -- shaped reality."

"Ah," Begenre said. "I get it."

"That actually made sense," Realer said with wonder.

"And it related to what we were talking about," Aromance said.

"Of course, it did," Cookbookins said. "I always make sense. You just don't understand me."

"We'll try to do better," Realer said. He exchanged bemused glances with the others.

"Since we can shape reality, we need to careful to portray mature characters in an active and interesting fashion," Faraway said. "Old age is not the same as useless and uninteresting."

And on that note, we were out of time.

(Copyright 2017 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)

Whispers

Whispers
By Stephen B. Bagley

He whispered as he held her:
This could get messy --
this thing between us.
We could lose everything
for a stolen moment.

Stolen from this empty world
that breaks everything
eventually. We will break
too, you know.

A cross word, a sideways glance,
a silence at the wrong instant.
I'll be cold, you'll be hot,
timing is everything and all 
clocks wind down.

We shouldn't. It's not wise.
It's beyond stupid. We're 
risking battered hearts.
We might not survive.

So we walk away now.
We forget. We go back.
We do the smart thing.
The smartest thing.

She whispered:
I'm sure you're right
but if it's so,
why then am I
still in your arms?

He didn't reply
and held her close
as the moon sailed toward
the shores of morning.

(Copyright 2017 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved. From the forthcoming Many Rivers Harbor book Eternal.)

Bit of an update

I've been looking for authors who might be a good fit for a professional writing group that I lead. I thought I had found one, but fortunately before I asked her, I discovered that she didn't support other authors. She said she needed readers, not authors, and she wouldn't read other authors' posts nor buy their books because she was focusing on her own career.

I have no patience with that. Like I said, I hadn't yet mentioned the writing group to her, so no harm, no foul.

The minimum an author can do is cheer on fellow authors. People who do not...I do not respect them and will not waste my time helping them when they do not help other people.

That professional writing group is meant for authors helping other authors, authors supporting other authors, authors contributing to other authors, and authors sharing knowledge with other authors. She did not belong, and it is no loss to us...but it might be one for her.

***

I've not been pursuing my creative goals the way I would like to. Lately, I've been focusing on my health. I'm determined to regain my strength and endurance if that's possible, and I believe it is. Right now, simply walking a fair distance leaves me exhausted. It's slowly getting better, but oh so slowly. I have to keep reminding myself that it took years of neglect--and bad genetics--to get me in this shape. Fixing the problems isn't going to happen overnight. As for the genetics, there's research that shows exercise, proper diet, and healthy lifestyle can cause bad genes to stop expressing themselves and trigger good genes. So...it's possible. Just going to take some time. A friend likes to say, "You're not in a dash; you're in a marathon." True.

But with my energies focused on my health, I find my imagination mostly focuses on sleep. I've always struggled with getting enough sleep--my brain is a busy monster--so I imagine what it would feel like to get eight hours uninterrupted sleep and wake refreshed and ready to go. Like when I was 20 and didn't think about bouncing out of bed.

I've been wondering I need a new bed. I see a lot of commercials talking about various beds, so many so that I can't figure out what would best. It's something I'm going to research over the next few months. Input would be appreciated.

Anyway, this is me signing off. Hope you have a great night.

Modern Life

It's good advice to dance like no one is watching you. Because they're not. They looking at their iPhones. Unless you dance like fire ants have invaded your undies and then they're pointing their phones at you so that they can post the video online. #IHateModernLife #DoNotAskHowIKnow