Query

Ever feel like your warranty has expired and you're going along dropping parts and duct-taping repairs as you can?

Hm?

No?

Well, just thought I would ask.

No reason.

Intervention

Let's go over this again because some of you didn't get the message:

I think it's time we have this out. I've tried to be nice about it, tried to avoid the subject, tried to be a peacemaker, but there comes a point where I have to make a stand: onions should be cooked until they are caramelized. Always. Soups, burgers, you name it.

I know you might feel differently. You might like them raw chopped up in your salad or in thick slices on your cheeseburger. God love you, you're wrong.

Now, this isn't a huge sin; you will still get into Heaven--I think--but it's important you understand how wrong it is. It's a gateway vegetable, and soon you will be mainlining raw turnips if you don't stop right now.

There. I've said it. I'm sorry if it hurts you, but sometimes people who love you--and I mostly tolerate you, which is in the same city as love if not the same neighborhood--have to step in and save you from you.

Satisfaction

Dear Black Truck,
Yes, you were annoyed that I was driving just about a mile below the speed limit. You rode my bumper so close that I really thought your truck and my car might be conceiving a baby. And when you roared past me--on a double line no less--I'm sure you found much satisfaction. Short-lived satisfaction as it turned out because you discovered why I was being so careful in my observance of the speed limit: I was following a police car. But you know that better than me because the police officer flashed his lights and pulled you over. Meanwhile, I crept past and might have enjoyed a deeply felt and longer lasting satisfaction in knowing you were being ticketed.
Sincerely,
Me

Reciprocity

Was talking a friend yesterday who suffers from a common aliment in his marriage: He loves her more than she loves him. That mismatch in affection is painful, not that she doesn't love him, but she doesn't show it often.

I hear that a lot from my friends about their significant others. And I always tell them the same thing: Love doesn't carry with it any promise of equal reciprocity. Love just is, and it's a worthy thing to love even if they don't love you as much as you love them. It's a hard thing, but love also doesn't say it will be easy. Love is kind of a jerk at times.

Nectar

I can't be needing a Dr Pepper 10 this early in the morning. "There's something wrong about that," I say as I'm pouring the fizzing nectar over ice.

Day 2

How is your new year going? Broke your resolutions yet? I do like making resolutions and think it's good for me to think about how to be a better human, but I don't get too upset when I slip. Every day is new day and a new chance to do better. Almost a motivational poster, but not quite pithy enough.

Interesting idea

Apparently, Walmart is testing a program where it delivers groceries to your fridge even when you're not home. As long as it pays for them, too, I could support this. And what about cooking the food, too? Come on, Walmart, step up!

We're all in this together

I think it's important in this day and time to remember we're all part of the United States. We're one family going into the future together. And most importantly, you're completely wrong.

I do

I want tacos. The sheer ridiculousness of wanting them at this time of night.... But I do want them. Three of them. Maybe four.

And no, I'm not driving to Taco Bell at midnight. My diabetes nurse would lecture me within an inch of my life. Not that I would care as long as my mouth was stuffed with tacos!

Visiting the Pope

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer met the Pope on Sunday. One assumes it was for an exorcism....

Cafe Stephen

The weather was so pleasant last night. Cool. Calm. The only sound was the slurping noise as the mosquitoes sucked my blood...and the smacking noises as they licked their tiny mosquito lips...hmmmmmm good blood, they buzzed.... I think I might be delirious from blood loss.

Misinformed

Hmm. I thought the eclipse was supposed to make people go crazy and strip off their clothes and run up the streets, shouting, "Bumpdabump my baby woogie woogie." Well, now I just feel awkward....

I'm a tree

My diabetes nurse has this chart where she logs your weight and then figures out how tall you should be. Apparently, I should be a Redwood.

Unsent Letter

Dear Diet,
Our relationship is in terrible trouble. You're bland and boring, and I can't stop cheating on you with Little Debbie.
Worried,
Me

My inner voice

My diabetes education nurse says we all have an "inner fatty" who talks to us. Mine talks all the time, and I must say he has many tasty ideas.

Seriously

Autocorrect is a terrible nuisance. The other day I tried to order "salad" and autocorrect changed it to "four tacos and an order of nachos." They really need to get that drive-in microphone fixed.

Doctor's orders

Well, my doctor told me that I cannot host dinners for six people. Unless, of course, the other five people are actually there eating their share of the food. Spoilsport.

Problem

So sad. I saw my coffee cup by my desk and I thought maybe there was coffee left in it because I usually take it to the sink when I finish the cup so I raised it up and it was empty.... Sigh. It's actually too late to be drinking coffee if I want to sleep--and I do despite what you may have heard--but I thought a swallow or two wouldn't hurt. But it was empty. Then I thought I would share this because the world is facing real problems and so am I. I should probably do a Facebook post, too....

Good Advice

It's hard to find a friend who is intelligent, handsome, funny, charming, humble, and kind...so y'all shouldn't misplace me. Who knows when you'd be lucky enough to find someone like me again?

Wish someone would try

Listen, you can't buy my love, really you can't...but you sure can buy a whole lot of liking from me