Marching through 2024!

Happy March!
Spring into spring with a Floozy or three! Or maybe a few murders are more to your liking. I aim to please while the murderer in Murder by the Acre aims to kill.

Below are the Floozies for your enjoyment:

And here are baffling murders:


You can find all of my books on Amazon, Books-A-Million, Lulu, and other online booksellers. Also, don't forget that independent bookstores can order my books for you if they don't have them on their shelves.

Personal news:
- I have been busy with marketing my books, cleaning my house, hosting Writing Room Prime on Zoom, cleaning my house, conducting Prosateurs meetings on Zoom, cleaning my house, working on print and email newsletters, cleaning my house, taking care of my kitties who are all doing well, cleaning my house, running errands, cleaning my house, getting my taxes finished, and, of course, cleaning my house. It's obvious that I need a maid or two. Oh, and someone to clean my house, too.
- I have been watching Chinese tomb raider movies lately. A few are quite good. Most are not. Hollywood studios are not the only ones that can spend millions of dollars on a movie and it still turns out bad. It always comes back to having a well-written story instead of just a huge special effects budget.
- Speaking of huge budgets and special effects, I recently saw Aquaman 2, The Flash, and The Marvels. While all three had scenes I enjoyed--from breathtaking underwater vistas to the return of Michael Keaton as Batman to the cutest man-eating kittens you've ever seen--I was glad I saw the movies on streaming channels and didn't pay at the theater for them. I would have liked them less if I had paid $10 a ticket and whatever buttered popcorn is going for these days.

Joke of the Month: 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "Wow, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver was insulting," she fumed.
The man said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Quote of the Month:
"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." — C.S. Lewis 

I'll close now. May March bless you with health, happiness, and love. We will talk again in April!

Happy February, Y'all!

And here we are in the second month of the year! Or the first month if you took my suggestion about having a DO-OVER after a dismal January. Either way, we're here, moving on down the road.

Floozy Goes Forth, my latest and greatest collection of humorous essays, is now available on Amazon, BooksAMillion, Lulu, Thrift Books, Walmart, Wordery, and other websites. Pick up a copy or two and put a smile on your sweetie's face!

Here are links to make it easy for you:

Buy at Amazon
BooksAMillion
Lulu
Thrift Books
Walmart

Have you joined Stephen B. Bagley's Books on Facebook yet? Good people, laughs, a bit of wisdom, and (sometimes) giveaways! Join us now so you don't miss out. Join here!

Personal news:
- Busy with several projects and getting my house ready for company as my wonderful family will visit me soon for a (really) late Christmas. Then I will take down the tree and regain some space in my living room! The Christmas Village--AKA Winter Village--will hang in there a bit longer. The little people spend enough time in boxes; I like to let them have a bit of freedom. I might need to get out more.
- My cats are doing well. I sure love those sweet, funny, savage creatures. They can be so loving and then attack like you're their greatest foe. I read once that dogs are what humans should be while cats are what we are. That was probably written by a dog person so we can't trust it.
- Otherwise, I'm working on several publicity projects that will soon launch, writing and teaching about writing, enjoying group Zoom meetings, doing household, and keeping track of all the usual things that make up a life. And always, I am blessed by family, friends, and felines. 

I hope February treats YOU and yours with health, happiness, and a lot of love. We will talk again in March!

February Floozy For You!

 Here is your February Floozy!

Buy Floozy Goes Forth at Amazon

Buy Floozy Goes Forth at BooksAMillion

Buy Floozy Goes Forth at Lulu

Buy Floozy Goes Forth at Thrift Books

Buy Floozy Goes Forth at Walmart

Here it is!

 The tease is over! Here's the cover of the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth in all its glory!

Another cover tease!

 

Cover tease!

 

Up, down, middle

Life isn’t gangbusters of awesomeness usually. Life is what it is: sometimes up, sometimes down, a lot of time in the middle. It’s learning to live in the middle that so many of us find hard. We rise to the occasion when confronting a crisis or an emergency. We behave brilliantly, bravely, and benevolently. But it’s the day-to-day life that’s hard and grinds on us. Most people break at the endlessly getting out of bed each morning to confront life’s little annoyances and battles. That’s what we find tough. That’s how we know if we’re a sprinter or a long-distance runner.

I hope you’re the latter, because sprinters may be fast, but this life is long. It is the ones who can keep going, step by step, mile by mile, day by day, year by year... they finish the race. I hope I’m a long-distance runner.

I try to be. I try to stay busy. I try to keep putting one foot in front of another. Keep my eyes on the road. Don’t get distracted. Don’t lose focus. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose courage. Don’t fail. Believe, believe, believe.

It’s a lot of pressure, and I think that’s why some people falter. They drink or take drugs or have crazy sex. They cheat on their spouses, neglect their children, and waste their lives seeking a thrill to fill the holes in their lives. They think happiness is a destination rather than the journey itself.

It’s learning to take joy in the journey. We have to do that if we’re going to survive and flourish. It’s the secret to happiness, contentment, and fulfillment. For some – like me – finding that joy is easier with God’s help. Others choose another path, but finding that path is essential.

It's how we become fully human.

In the sky

Have you ever just taken a few minutes to watch the clouds drift across the sky? Some people see shapes... dragons, animals, horses cars... what they're looking for, I think. But I don't see anything. My imagination doesn't work like that. Instead, the sky fills me up until there's nothing of me left. No thoughts, no worries, no me. Just the clouds and winds and sun.

Starry nights do that to me, too. I can look into the darkness punctuated with pinpricks of lights, and the vastness inside me expands. It's a weird feeling ‒ or it is after I've stopped experiencing it ‒ but when I'm in the moment, it doesn't feel weird. It feels... expectant. Like I'm waiting for something to raise its head and look at me. You'd think that would be frightening, but it's not. It's anticipation. A strange anticipation.

I've mentioned this to other people before, but I've never met anyone who felt the same way. I'm sure someone does in this world with millions of people. Maybe in China or maybe just someone I don't know. Maybe in the next house. I'd like to meet them, though. I'd like to find out how they feel. And talk with them about that vast creature out there. Ask them when we look at the sky, what are we expecting? What's coming for us out of that blackness between the stars?

And why aren't we afraid? That might be the most important question of all.

Our AI pal

Excerpt from the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth

Recently, a chat AI premièred on the Internet. The idea was that the AI would learn from the humans it interacted with. The AI was young and naïve; less than a day later, it was lying, sharing secrets, threatening people, tossing around racial slurs, and generally being a jerk. The AI was taken offline and sent to a cloistered convent, but it’s probably too late for the poor thing to recapture its innocence. The computer scientists did succeed in creating humanlike intelligence, but they should have aimed higher.

Of course, AI is not really alive, at least in the biological sense of being able to find a mate, produce babies, and then leave its faithful mate for an AI who really understands its needs and is also 20 years younger. No, the AI is using complex algorithms to mimic lifelike intelligence. At least, that’s the story our AI overlords want us to believe.

What are algorithms? Let’s break down the word. The first part is al which is the chemical symbol of Aluminium; the second part is go which means to move from one place to another; and finally, the word ends with rithm, a variant way to spell rhythm which means the placement of sounds in time. Put those all together, and you realize there’s a good chance I don’t know what I’m talking about.

(Excerpted from the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth. Copyright 2023 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)

Bigfooting around

From the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth

Most Bigfoot encounters are benign with only glimpses of the creatures in the woods or darting across a field or disappearing into a forest. However, sometimes the creatures throw huge rocks, shake cabins and RVs, tear into food supplies, hit hunters and joggers, destroy tents, drink entire cases of beer, and run up large bills with Amazon. Basically, this means Bigfoot might simply be a hairy soccer hooligan. Or, as the rest of the world calls soccer, “Football.” (Their term for our version of the sport in which humans hurl their bodies against each other—NFL, NCAA, AFL, or Black Friday—is “America football” or “blamed foolishness with all those protective pads and helmets.”)

I am neutral in regard to Bigfoot. I don’t disbelieve it, but I don’t believe in it. I’m like a Free Range United Unitarian talking about God: the jury is still out. It would be nice if Bigfoot existed just like it would be wonderful to find other mythical creatures such as dragons, elves, unicorns, and fair, balanced cable news. And who wouldn’t want to see an honest politician in its natural environment attacking lobbyists and jumping over bribes? Of course, if we found an honest politician, we will need to find a mate for it. Perhaps instigate a careful breeding program until the species recovers. (Excerpted from the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth. Copyright 2023 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)

"The Mystery of Saint Etienne"

 "The Mystery of Saint Etienne"

      Between reason and faith, we make our way through a hard world with edges sharp enough to wound the unwary. Oh Lord, guide our steps.
      Faith is what we hold, a lamp to light our way and to let blind eyes see. Oh Lord, let Your light shine on us.
      Between what is and what should be, we are stretched, a cord between two black horses. Oh Lord, send to us Your mercy.
      Heaven is our hope in this world without hope. Oh Lord, may we bring hope as You brought hope unto us.
      Between the precipice and the fall, we take faltering steps, children lost in the dark woods. Oh Lord, give us a lodestone that points to You.
      Here we stand unclean in our souls and dark of hearts. Oh Lord, send to us Your cleansing rain.
      Oh Lord, we are fallen but You lift us up.
      Oh Lord, we are scattered but You gather us.
      Oh Lord, we are unworthy but You take us.
      We raise hands to You, a thousand tongues give unto You praise, and the rocks and hills and dales resound with voices that cry,
      Hosanna,
      Hosanna,
      Hosanna.

(Copyright by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)

Three men talking

So three men are talking about how they want to be remembered at their funerals.
The first man says, "I want people to say that I took care of my family and friends."
The second man says, "I want people to say I made the world into a better place."
The third man says, "I want them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving! He's alive! Get him out of there!'"

A proposition

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late Christmas Eve night when Satan appeared before her.

The Devil told her, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer pondered this, then finally asked: "So, what's the catch?"

Stormy weather

A royal castle was under siege by an army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all the horses had been killed in the battle.

"We must get help," said the king.

"I know," replied General George, the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."

"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."

"No, no," pleaded General George. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

Trouble!

 (A Christmas Joke that always gets me in trouble...but I'm tellin' it anyway!)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter said, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

Can't drive 55

Alice and Susanna, two lovely ladies in their late 90s, decide to go to the shopping center. As Alice drives down the road, their car rushes through a red stop light. Susanna looks nervously at Kyra as other drivers honk at them.

Then a bit farther down the road, Alice doesn't stop at a stop sign, and they narrowly miss being hit by a truck.

"Alice!" Terry says. "Why are you driving so recklessly?"

"What?!" Alice looks shocked. "I'm driving?! I thought you were!" 

Prepare yourselves

This guy goes into his dentist's office because something is wrong with his mouth.

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy smokes! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well, the only thing I can think of is this: my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with Hollandaise sauce on it, and it was DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting the sauce on everything—meat, meat, fish, toast, vegetables—you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Ho-Ho-BANG!

Murder by the Acre 

By Stephen B. Bagley 

The librarian and the reporter are back! This time Bernard and Lisa stumble on the body of a local jeweler and ladies' man in an underground house. As the couple and Chief Donaldson investigate, they find themselves drawn into a confusing mystery of lies and alibis that involves the upper crust of Ryton, Oklahoma.

Questions abound: Who killed him and how? Why doesn't the widow care that her husband is dead? Why doesn’t his mistress? What does the mysterious Aventura Corporation have to do with the murder? What is the corporation hiding? Soon events spiral out of control as the killer strikes again and again.

As the three dig for the truth, they upset powerful, vengeful people. The chief might lose his job, but Bernard and Lisa could lose their lives in this suspenseful sequel to Murder by Dewey Decimal. 

Buy on Amazon 

Buy on Barnes & Noble 

Buy on Books-A-Million 

Buy on Lulu.com 

Buy on Walmart 

Lepidopterology

A man wandered into a doctor's office and asked to see Dr. George. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was time to close, but he was insistent. The doctor, having completed all his consultations for the day and in a good mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a rather aimless manner and, after some hesitation, flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

"How can I help you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, it's like this," said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth."

"What? Did you say you think you're a moth?"

"Yes," the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth."

"Well, I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist."

"That's what I've been thinking," replied the man.

"Well, as it happens, I know just the man," said Dr. George. "I'll give him a call and see if he can schedule an appointment for you."

The man agreed, and the doctor made the appointment.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "it must have been apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"

"Well," the man said in a resigned voice, "the door was open and the lights were on...."

Does Martha Stewart know?

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"