A proposition

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late Christmas Eve night when Satan appeared before her.

The Devil told her, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer pondered this, then finally asked: "So, what's the catch?"

Stormy weather

A royal castle was under siege by an army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all the horses had been killed in the battle.

"We must get help," said the king.

"I know," replied General George, the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."

"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."

"No, no," pleaded General George. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

Trouble!

 (A Christmas Joke that always gets me in trouble...but I'm tellin' it anyway!)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter said, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

Can't drive 55

Alice and Susanna, two lovely ladies in their late 90s, decide to go to the shopping center. As Alice drives down the road, their car rushes through a red stop light. Susanna looks nervously at Kyra as other drivers honk at them.

Then a bit farther down the road, Alice doesn't stop at a stop sign, and they narrowly miss being hit by a truck.

"Alice!" Terry says. "Why are you driving so recklessly?"

"What?!" Alice looks shocked. "I'm driving?! I thought you were!" 

Prepare yourselves

This guy goes into his dentist's office because something is wrong with his mouth.

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy smokes! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well, the only thing I can think of is this: my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with Hollandaise sauce on it, and it was DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting the sauce on everything—meat, meat, fish, toast, vegetables—you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Ho-Ho-BANG!

Murder by the Acre 

By Stephen B. Bagley 

The librarian and the reporter are back! This time Bernard and Lisa stumble on the body of a local jeweler and ladies' man in an underground house. As the couple and Chief Donaldson investigate, they find themselves drawn into a confusing mystery of lies and alibis that involves the upper crust of Ryton, Oklahoma.

Questions abound: Who killed him and how? Why doesn't the widow care that her husband is dead? Why doesn’t his mistress? What does the mysterious Aventura Corporation have to do with the murder? What is the corporation hiding? Soon events spiral out of control as the killer strikes again and again.

As the three dig for the truth, they upset powerful, vengeful people. The chief might lose his job, but Bernard and Lisa could lose their lives in this suspenseful sequel to Murder by Dewey Decimal. 

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Lepidopterology

A man wandered into a doctor's office and asked to see Dr. George. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was time to close, but he was insistent. The doctor, having completed all his consultations for the day and in a good mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a rather aimless manner and, after some hesitation, flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

"How can I help you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, it's like this," said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth."

"What? Did you say you think you're a moth?"

"Yes," the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth."

"Well, I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist."

"That's what I've been thinking," replied the man.

"Well, as it happens, I know just the man," said Dr. George. "I'll give him a call and see if he can schedule an appointment for you."

The man agreed, and the doctor made the appointment.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "it must have been apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"

"Well," the man said in a resigned voice, "the door was open and the lights were on...."

Does Martha Stewart know?

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" 

"Clothed & Happy"

Excerpted from 

Floozy Comes Back

By Stephen B. Bagley

Have you seen that TV show Naked And Afraid on the Discovery Channel? It’s a (so-called) reality show where they drop two total strangers—a man and a woman—into a harsh wilderness environment with only one item apiece. Neither item is clothing.

You might think this is a recipe for hanky-panky or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but after a day or two with the couple being bitten and stung by hordes of hungry insects, sunburning in places the sun really shouldn’t get to, feeling ravenously hungry and desperately thirsty, having their bare skin slashed by vines and plants, limping on feet bleeding from thorns and bruised by rocks—hanky-panky is the last thing on their minds. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn the show is sponsored by the Clothing Manufacturers of America after seeing what clothes and shoes protect us from.

Of course, the Discovery Channel blurs what needs to be blurred; you’ve seen more skin at the beach or the lake. And since these are not supermodels, the skin you do see isn’t skin you’d necessarily want to see—if you can follow that.

“Experts” give them a Survival Rating at the start and end of the show. By choosing to participate in such an insane and life-threatening situation, it’s obvious the participants have the survival skills of deranged lemmings and the intelligence to match. I suspect their family trees are more like telephone poles.

Read more in Floozy Comes Back.

Give the gift of laughter this Christmas with Floozy Comes Back!

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